My son sent me this on Facebook
remember when we had that talk on the couch in crofton? about how you always wanted to be in my life and teach me all the things i needed to know about becoming a man, and how you didnt have a fatherly figure when you were my age, and how you didnt wanna end up like him? how he wasnt there for you, you had to teach yourself everything and practically raise yourself. and you told me you wanted to be a good dad and not be anything like your dad because you felt like he wasnt there for you and you didnt want to be anything like him. well you're exactly like your father. you took yourself out of my life at a crucial point and im having to teach myself how to manage my bank account, pay car insurance, find jobs, and save for an apartment all by myself. i know nothing about fixing my car because i didnt have a fatherly figure to teach me so im having to read into it to teach myself to be safe and not drive a car that could break down or cause me to get injured. I'm doing everything myself, and this was your biggest and probably your only promise you've ever made to me, and this is why I hate you. Yes, we all know you've ****ed up by becoming an alcoholic like your father, leaving your family to deal by themselves like your father. honestly since ive never seen my grandpa and only heard stories about him, he sounds like a better dad than i had. mom taught me manners and how to be a gentleman because you were only home for an hour a day before i went to sleep throughout my childhood, then when you finally had time to stay home and spend time with me, you slept on the couch for 72 hours in a row. way to be a good dad. you wanted to know why you lost your "buddy" so im telling you how i feel. its not easy bringing out my feelings and im not sure if you knew that because you dont really know me but this is the best i can do in telling you why I do not want you in my life, because in my eyes you never really were. I am teaching myself how to become a man and soon I'll have my own house and family and I am not putting aside ANY of my time to re-welcome somebody back into my life. So i suggest you find someone else that makes you happy in life, maybe not as happy, but that will let you in their life because you are not welcome in mine. Goodbye.
A couple weeks ago I was doing pretty good. I tried going off meds and crashed. I was struggling when I got this message.
Now I feel like I was months ago, hopeless, depressed. I am stuck in life again. Just got out of bed, after 17 hours. I want to go back to bed and sleep forever. I not happy about myself at all. I have ruined my life and I dont know how to fix it.
I know the mirtazipine makes you sleep, but unless Im near manic, I cant wake up early and Its getting worse.
I talked to the dor about it and we weaned off the meds. I became very depressed, bad. Now im back on and I am still bad and dont want to get out of bed. I want to sleep forever.
Why dont your kids and family understand when you have mental health issues, that you still Love them, your just not who you want to be? Its tearing me up again. I hate this!
This has really turned in to a bad set back. Just the basics are hard right now. I havnt left the house in days. I want to sleep and thats it, but I cant, even at night. Last nigh I layed awake, was up and down for 7 hours. My head wont shut off. Then I finally do sleep and I dont want to wake up.
I have the fear feelings again, the hopeless and worthlessness back too. I lay awake and think bad senarios to deal with things and the holidays coming up with out my kids.
When all you had was family, you ruined it, they hate you and you have no one else. What do you do for the holidays?
Not sure if I should call my wife and kids or not. The last time I spoke with my wife it was pretty bad. My son just let me know he hates me and my daughter told me to stop stalking her. ( I sent her a message with my space ) Im supposed to be having dinner with people at another house affiliated with this one, and most of them I dont like. I have my driving issue on my mind and I want to smoke! ( lets just do it all here ) Drinking sounds good today as well. My joke yesterday was if I relapsed it would be with a smoke! I am just not ready to deal with the holidays this year. I thought all my years in the catering business was hard working 70-90 hour weeks, now dealing with not working and not being with my family is harder.
Last night I layed awake until about 3:00 again, I said Im going to be strong, not whine and cry on these posts anymore. So why cant I, why cant I be the tough strong person I once was. Im sorry.
