I hate feeling empty, lonely, lost and scared. This recent setback has been bad. It seems worse for some reason. I was doing so well and I feel like I have taken a big step backwards. I know missing my kids has been hard and not knowing how to fix the situation with them is hard as well.
What do I do to comfort my kids who are so hurt by the way I have been. How do I live with myself?
Okay, I uploaded the video. I went downtown today, met with a friend did a meeting and worked out.
Most of the day during all this, I thought about my Son, Josh and what he said. It is so hard to live with myself right now, it was hard before, but he really let me have it. I love him so much, I never meant to dissapoint him.
I did, I failed as a father, something I promised my son I would never do. But in my recent email from my step daughter I realized even before I struggled with depression I was always too busy or tired. I did work a lot, but that is no excuse. I say I love my kids, but I hurt them so much by not being there. I feel horrible.
Today was another waste, I couldnt get up to go in to seattle and a meeting. Once again I feel scared, lonely and hopeless.
Today will be a fine day to resume smoking, go to the bar and see what happens. My son hates me as does my daughter, wife and all her family. I cant take being alone and the hurt my kids feel anymore.
