This turned in to a very bad week with this med thing I tried. Just woke up again, not leaving. I feel so guilty for not doing anything, but at the same time I have no one so Why?
I hope I feel right again soon, Havnt cried or felt like this for a long time. To make matters worse my wife called last night and that wasnt pleasant. I just cant get with it, just blah. Not even excited about 30 days.
That was STUPID!!!
What I meant by stupid was changing meds. I was doing good. So Why change. The crying is just a sudden bout of crying for no reason, like when your depressed. Nothings any different, its just how I perceive things based on my state of mind.
I read back on my posts from when I was on meds and not. Its like night and day, on meds I make sense, dont ramble etc. Past couple days I sound like a lunatic.
What can I say, I have a son 19 and a daughter 17. Through all my issues with depression, being bipolar, panic attacks and alcohol use, I ruined our relationship. They want nothing to do with me right now. I havnt seen them in almost a year. I miss thim and love them a lot. I used to mean something to them, I used to be there, I used to give them all I could, as they got older I wasnt able to give of myself. I have a relationship issue as well. I was a good dad when they were little and needy, but when they became their own person, I didnt know how to relate. lately im tore up again missing them, when my depression issues are worse, so is everything else.
This episode of trying to go off meds just made everything so bad. I want to sleep period. I was doing pretty good too. Is anything ever going to be better? I have been dealing with all this for 8 years now. I just want to be somewhat normal. To feel right, get up a have energy and be productive.
Going off the Mitazipine, not doing well and going back on has been the factor over the past couple weeks that has created a change in the way I have been.
I was feeling pretty good, doing a LOT, being positive and optomistic. Now Im sad, down, feeling hopeless again. I tend to think about whats wrong in this state as opposed to whats right. Although its very little their was a little right. I dont know, I just am plain down, sleeping too much. I hope it gets better soon.
I read were not supposed to base things on how we feel and use that as a indicator. But lately its hard. I have just been feeling like things will never get better. Constantly thinking about my kids and wondering when that will ever be better.
I start reading these programs, I am so distracted, cant seem to focus and Im trying to deal with this, the panic, the SSC, the panic away program, Byron katies the work and oter books and things Ive founf online. What should I be doing? Im still out daily to meetings and working out. I'm not doing any one thing fully, I just pick small parts and read. Lately Im lost, not sure if its still the med thing. The doc said it may be 2 to 3 weeks to even out, I just want to move forward, Im not patient. Every little thing is bugging me and now Im really letting the guys I stay with know it. Im becoming agressive towards them. They are annoying and disguisting to live with.
