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Posts created by Lance

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 194

Not any better

Thanks again, My Son, Josh is 19 and my Daughter, Mallory is 17. I have a step son and daughter as well. My step daughter is older and has a family, so she will talk and email me. My step son has a family, I havnt spoe with him in over a year. Everyone is having a hard time period right now. I had always envisioned me as being one of the strong ones to help them through hard times. I have such fond memories of my kids when they were little, then all of a sudden they were older. I always had a extra special place in my heart for Josh. He was my first born and at 9 months he started having seizures. They lasted until he was six years old. That was probobly one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with. It literally tore me up. The constant worry, every phone call at home or work, every noise from his room. The bathtub, pools, any water situation I was right by his side, never more than an inch. He had seizures in these situations and would have surely drowned. His seizures were idiopathic, yet mimicked febrile seizures, so temperature change with water was always a factor. He had one about every three weeks for the whole time. Today he is very healthy, lifts weights and is a fine young man. Everyone likes him a lot. Mallory is a wonderful girl, does well in school and is a cheerleader. Being 17, she has her moods. I miss them a lot right now. I know its the age, when I was that age I wanted to be left alone too.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 194

Dont want to deal with today

Thanks again, just hard to feel like I have come far, when i am no where near where I have been in life. But I hear you.

Tomorrow, I really want to work on my exposure and doing "The work". I printed it off, I just drag my feet on what I need to be doing. I want to spend time in my planner and working on a plan to get back to the point I was at. I think doing these things will make me feel like I am making progress. I think my problem is I get so many things started, then cant focus and keep on task. I was such a multi tasker in the restaurant, catering business. I had to be. I was able to run a commercial kitchen, help the cooks, while working on banquets, taking calls, ordering, booking, loading vans, preparing food etc. all at the same time! It was a lot more than that too, but it was insane. But, I could do it. Caters from 10 to 1400 people, all my resonsibility, usually with little support. I was fried, I never want that much responsibility again. Imagine having to cater five (5) Weddings in one weekend for 150 to 300 guests each! That was in addition to my restaurant duties. All the guests I served over 30 years were happy. Never had a complain, lot of nice thank you letters. But the guy I worked for, oh boy, nothing was ever enough. The sad part, everything that all that work got me, I no longer have. Im starting over, thats whats hard, Im not 18 anymore, life looks a lot different right now and what it looks like I dont know.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 194

Supporting each other on Thankgiving

Thank You Sid, I extend my hand to the next,

Read this late in the day....

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 194

Sleep Too much

Thats just it, once I do get to sleep. I want to stay that way. I really want to be up early, progressing and making things better. But for some reason I stay in bed and go back to sleep. Then I feel guilty when I do get up . Im feeling the scared thing again too. I dont know what causes that.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 194

Sleep Too much

Its hard to explain. I call it the "Fear Feeling" At certain times through out the day, I just feel "scared". Not sure if its not having a job or thoughts of my kids or what. Maybe for the first time in my adult life, im vulnerable, not in control of my life. Plus I feel alone too. Thats hard.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 194

Sleep Too much

Nothing for myself, havnt even worked out for the past week. Whats to do for yourself, thats free, when your back at not enjoying anything. I mostly just hang on the computer a lot lately. There is a lot to find there, dont watch TV, its boring. Plus when your nice 37" widescrenn you just bought is with the family and the 19" TV here has others shows on it, not much chance. I hope one day I will wake up, and this bad dream will be OVER.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 194

Sleep Too much

Also, why dont I feel like I am doing much to be bettering myself. Im just not up to my standards. I used to be able to do everything and anything for everyone. I just dont get it.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 194

My kids

The letter from my son is sooo, still on my mind. I keep reading it, looking for something in it that might be telling me something positive. Its not looking that way.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 194

Shopping

All my Facebook friends, they have lives. Talking about therir holiday shopping with their spouse's. Its really getting to me. I used to do that, with mine, for my kids, now I am not and it's so so very hard to deal with.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 194

My kids

I dont understand the fact that I have made numerous attempts to communicate with my family and they basically have told me they dont want me in their lives right now.

So How am I supposed to be there for my son, if he doesnt want me around. Im being blamed for having he issues I have. I never went out and asked to be bipolar, nor to have panic attacks or to be depressed. I dont like any of it one bit and I am hated because of it. I did so much and support so many for so long and I broke, thrown out like the trash.

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