Thanks again, just hard to feel like I have come far, when i am no where near where I have been in life. But I hear you.
Tomorrow, I really want to work on my exposure and doing "The work". I printed it off, I just drag my feet on what I need to be doing. I want to spend time in my planner and working on a plan to get back to the point I was at. I think doing these things will make me feel like I am making progress. I think my problem is I get so many things started, then cant focus and keep on task. I was such a multi tasker in the restaurant, catering business. I had to be. I was able to run a commercial kitchen, help the cooks, while working on banquets, taking calls, ordering, booking, loading vans, preparing food etc. all at the same time! It was a lot more than that too, but it was insane. But, I could do it. Caters from 10 to 1400 people, all my resonsibility, usually with little support. I was fried, I never want that much responsibility again. Imagine having to cater five (5) Weddings in one weekend for 150 to 300 guests each! That was in addition to my restaurant duties. All the guests I served over 30 years were happy. Never had a complain, lot of nice thank you letters. But the guy I worked for, oh boy, nothing was ever enough. The sad part, everything that all that work got me, I no longer have. Im starting over, thats whats hard, Im not 18 anymore, life looks a lot different right now and what it looks like I dont know.
Not sure if I should call my wife and kids or not. The last time I spoke with my wife it was pretty bad. My son just let me know he hates me and my daughter told me to stop stalking her. ( I sent her a message with my space ) Im supposed to be having dinner with people at another house affiliated with this one, and most of them I dont like. I have my driving issue on my mind and I want to smoke! ( lets just do it all here ) Drinking sounds good today as well. My joke yesterday was if I relapsed it would be with a smoke! I am just not ready to deal with the holidays this year. I thought all my years in the catering business was hard working 70-90 hour weeks, now dealing with not working and not being with my family is harder.
Last night I layed awake until about 3:00 again, I said Im going to be strong, not whine and cry on these posts anymore. So why cant I, why cant I be the tough strong person I once was. Im sorry.