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Failed as a Father

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 194

Thank you all of you for being so nice. I am so good at taking a negative and just blowing it up as big as I can. I met with my therapist today and i need to just fall back and regroup, get focused on priorities and get back to work. I fell way off track and was headed down the road of gloom. Im going to try to stay in some books, my planner and be more active so may not be here a lot. Tonight I need to rest, Im just emotionally exhausted and havnt slept too well.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 199

Lance: I agree with Rebbie I don't think your should read or post this email any more. I don't think it is helping you or anyone else. I would take it a step further and print it shred it or burn it and delete it from my computer,unless you really feel you need to save it because it is making you feel better. I would also try to put my energy into working the program here and consider doing some grief work. There are many books on the subject and a module in the program here on grief. In regards to starting to smoke and drink again being that you go to AA you might want to remember the Serenity Prayer and remember that you can not use someones elses behavior as a reason to drink or smoke anymore. You might want to consider writing an apology letter to your son and your family for yourself and mail it to them if you like, expecting nothing in return and to make amends. You are not alone in this you have AA, the sister sites here for addiction and panic and all of us here who have been supportive, so you are really very lucky. These are suggestion only and things I have tried myself that have helped me deal with my issues. You can take what you want from these suggestions and use any of them that you think might be helpful.

Remember One Day At A Time. Take baby steps but keep moving forward.

My thoughts and prayers are with you,

Sid

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

And btw, you haven't failed, just as my dad hadn't failed. You are just human and you are doing your best! Just keep trying and working on getting better and go from there! The only time you fail is when you stop trying!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hello Lance,

1- I won't repeat all she sais but I want to say that I totally and completely agree with everything Rebbie said! that was insightful and wise.

2- I want to share a little something with you and I hope it will help. When I was a child, my dad was a complete workaholic. I actually have few memories of him as a child while he was living with us. I remember throwing a fit once because my mom and siblings had eaten without me while I was napping and now I would have to eat alone with my dad. That is how little I saw him that being alone to eat with him was scary to me! Then my parents got divorced and my relationship with my dad got even harder. On top of it, my dad became an alcoholic sometimes during my childhood. He hid it well. We did not find him drunk or passed out. But still an alcoholic and with impaired judgement at times. That did not help our relationship. He also got remarried which did not help either as his wife took a pretty instant dislike to me I beleive. I used to go see him on the weekends and he would go off to work and leave me with her and her children. I was alone and lost andmiserable. Eventually I stopped going to my dad's at all. Then he would give me appointment to see me just me and him and he would skip out on them. Probably working or drinking at the time who knows... When he would actually come get me, then we would go eat at the restaurant and he would talk on his phone and read work documents the whole time. and I would sit in silence and go home sad. Later on, he pushed me really hard to be the best at everything. It gave me such anxieties. I always felt I had to deserve my dad's love. That I would not get it unconditionally. I lead myself into several depressions and burn-outs trying to be good enough to impress him and have him love me and be proud of me. One day, when my mental health issues caught up to me really badly and I was really bad and not working or in school, my dad told me he wouldn't help me anymore, that I wasn't sick, it was all in my head and I should stop being lazy and do something with myself. That is when I stopped talking to him! Now, these are just examples of why me and my dad have had a rough relationship. And why I had taken him out of my life. Now, why am I telling you this?

Because, as hurt and angry as I was then, I did not ever stop loving my dad or wanting him in my life. I might have said horrible things or said I did not want him in my life but that was the hurt and anger talking. I have ALWAYS loved my dad. Even when I was too angry to see it. And eventually my dad he took the steps needed to reconnect with me. And at first I was angry and hurt and I did not trust that this would last. But eventually when I saw sustained effort on his part to make up for the past, when I saw all that I let him back in to my life! And now me and my dad have a very good loving relationship. And of course my dad is not perfect. But then again neither am I. He still works a lot despite having to battle cancer. But he calls me regularly and when he speaks to me he gives me all his attention. He joined a mental health association as a volunteer to understand all that better. When we go out, he leaves his work in the car and he closes his phone and I get all his attention. Now, he accpets me in my good days and my bad days. He is my daddy and he loves me unconditionally. Our relationship repaired itself and grew into something much better.

And I know, every relationship is different and unique. But I told you this because I wanted you to know there is hope. And that under all that anger is still a little boy who needs his dad.

My advice to you, although I know you might not want it, is: Work the program here, do what you can to learn how to deal with your illness a

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 121

Lance: I know how painful that e-mail from your son is and it sounds to me that he's just speaking (writing) out of anger. The anger will eventually fade and you need to work on being the kind of father you want to be for your son by the time that happens. My suggestion would be to put that e-mail out of your mind for a while so you can work on some positive things about YOU. Don't read it. Don't even have it easily accessible. The e-mail is just bringing you down and keeping you there. Have you started the program on this site yet? If not, I suggest that you do so. It'll give you something positive to do while you're working on getting out of this "place." Good luck, Lance. Keep us posted......

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 194

Well my son does! This is what he feels, I read it over and over asking why>

November 22 at 7:24pm Report
remember when we had that talk on the couch in crofton? about how you always wanted to be in my life and teach me all the things i needed to know about becoming a man, and how you didnt have a fatherly figure when you were my age, and how you didnt wanna end up like him? how he wasnt there for you, you had to teach yourself everything and practically raise yourself. and you told me you wanted to be a good dad and not be anything like your dad because you felt like he wasnt there for you and you didnt want to be anything like him. well you're exactly like your father. you took yourself out of my life at a crucial point and im having to teach myself how to manage my bank account, pay car insurance, find jobs, and save for an apartment all by myself. i know nothing about fixing my car because i didnt have a fatherly figure to teach me so im having to read into it to teach myself to be safe and not drive a car that could break down or cause me to get injured. I'm doing everything myself, and this was your biggest and probably your only promise you've ever made to me, and this is why I hate you. Yes, we all know you've f up by becoming an alcoholic like your father, leaving your family to deal by themselves like your father. honestly since ive never seen my grandpa and only heard stories about him, he sounds like a better dad than i had. mom taught me manners and how to be a gentleman because you were only home for an hour a day before i went to sleep throughout my childhood, then when you finally had time to stay home and spend time with me, you slept on the couch for 72 hours in a row. way to be a good dad. you wanted to know why you lost your "buddy" so im telling you how i feel. its not easy bringing out my feelings and im not sure if you knew that because you dont really know me but this is the best i can do in telling you why I do not want you in my life, because in my eyes you never really were. I am teaching myself how to become a man and soon I'll have my own house and family and I am not putting aside ANY of my time to re-welcome somebody back into my life. So i suggest you find someone else that makes you happy in life, maybe not as happy, but that will let you in their life because you are not welcome in mine. Goodbye.

Lance November 22 at 7:37pm

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 121

Lance. I don't think you are/were a bad father. You did what you thought was best thing at the time: providing for your family. Unfortunately, sometimes we learn too late that when we think that we're doing the best thing for the ones that we love, it's not what they need or want right then and both parties fail to communicate that. I know you didn't intentionally decide that you were going to work hard for your family so you didn't have to spend time with them. It just doesn't make sense, does it? Please stop beating yourself up and start telling yourself that you did what you thought was the best thing for them at the time.

Also, as far as your relationship with your son; I know this has to be very painful for you. The only thing you can do is to continue to let your son know that you are there and that you love him. Eventually he will get over the anger and might listen to you. Continue to e-mail him, text him, and communicate however you can. When he learns that you'll always be there, he might come around. You need to be patient, though. It might take a very long time. But, it will give you something to work toward (for) and might alleviate some of the hopelessness that you feel. Continue to come here to this forum. We all care about what you're going through.

Rebbie

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2606

Lance,

I know this must be a really difficult trying time for you. You've come such a long way, you need to see this through! Begin writing an apology letter, or a list of all the things you need to make amends for. This way you can narrow your focus to the most important ones and set aside the ones that can wait. I watched your motivational video and I really enjoyed hearing you speak about your experience. You might want to make a video for your family or children. Even if you never send it to them, it may help to release certain emotions. We are here for you, continue leaning on us for support.

Samantha, Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 194

I did, I failed as a father, something I promised my son I would never do. But in my recent email from my step daughter I realized even before I struggled with depression I was always too busy or tired. I did work a lot, but that is no excuse. I say I love my kids, but I hurt them so much by not being there. I feel horrible.

Today was another waste, I couldnt get up to go in to seattle and a meeting. Once again I feel scared, lonely and hopeless.

Today will be a fine day to resume smoking, go to the bar and see what happens. My son hates me as does my daughter, wife and all her family. I cant take being alone and the hurt my kids feel anymore.

Reading this thread:

Evolution Health is not a healthcare provider and does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are currently thinking about or planning to harm yourself or someone else please call 911 or go to the nearest hospital emergency room.

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