I am new here.  I am 54 a female and a widow since 2003.  I have grief issues still.  My husband was sick for many years with ptsd from the war and dementia.  we were married for 27 yrs.  I have had a hard time also quitting smoking because of the grief associated with the loss of my cigarettes.  I also have anxiety which can be very disabling at times.  I have some ptsd associated with my husbands long term illness of ptsd and dementia.  I was his sole and only caregiver 24 hrs a day for 4 yrs until he passed away in 2003.  It has been really hard and depression finding my way back to a normal and happy life.

Thanks for listening

Sid

I am a little late in responding but I want to thank you all for your support in this time of need.  I have been very busy traveling meaning camping, to quite places in nature.  I find that this helps me think and heals my sole some what.  I am not sure what direction to go in yet.  I am still trying to find myself and some inner peace.  I just seem to keep running from I know not what.  I find it really hard to be around people for more than short periods.  I have been thinking about selling my home for the last few years and relocating to some where that is much more private, isolated and peaceful.  I am still smoking and really do not see a end in sight to the nicotine addiction.  Anyway I am still here trying to figure it all out.  I hope you are all well and having a happy New Year.

Sid

I got brave and decided to add a picture to my profile.  This is a picture of one of the many places I have gone to to find some inner peace.  I am still traveling around trying to find myself and that inner peace.  Sometimes I really feel like a stranger in a strange land in this world. I am trying to replace the sad pictures in my mind with pictures of things of beauty. When I look at the pictures I have taken it reminds me of the beauty in the world and helps lift my spirits when I start to feel I can not take this world any more. 

Sid

Welcome to the group Rocky!   I am pretty new myself.  I joined back in December.  I have been doing the running thing for a while now looking for myself and some peace of mind.  I have good days and bad days.  I also get pretty tired and have a hard time concentrating.  I really feel that this program might help me if I would just stop running and give it a chance.  I Hope to see you post on the board often.  I will check on you & post when I am home again and not traveling looking for myself and happiness.

Keep up the good fight,

 

Sid

blackcato9,

 

I want to Welcome you to the group.  The only advice I can really give you is to tell you to try not to be to hard on yourself.  I have found lately that pampering myself and resting helps with my depression & anxiety and thats its ok to allow yourself to rest and get well and to not feel guilty for taking of myself and loving myself.  We really are worth it and deserve to be happy.

 

Hope you feel better soon,

 

Sid

I have decided to take some time for myself  to read and not feel guilty about it.  I have bought myself some new glasses so that I can read again.  My first new pair in 6 years and I am so happy to be able to read again.  I just love to read.  I have been reading Helen Keller's auto autobiography and am enjoying it immensely.  I went to my first library book sale and had a great time doing it.  I decided  not to leave home to travel right now to look for a new home / larger property for my finensee's  hobby. I am not sure I really ever want to get married again. I told him how I felt and that I didn't feel like getting involved in a move or real estate right now that I was happy enough where I am living and that I wanted to do some  things that I enjoy like reading and gardening and wanted to relax  get well and enjoy my life for a while before I get involved in  anything as major as a move for a while. So I guess I will be here at home for a little while thank god.  I am feeling really good about having the courage to speak my mind and take care of my needs for once.  I have told him that he may have to move on without me if he is really not happy here.  He has agreed to let me rest and read and get well for the time being.  I know this is long winded but I feel really good about not letting the anxiety get to me and not doing things I really don't want to do.  I think I may be finding myself again.

 

Sid

I am really tired of apologizing to my partner for my depression and anxiety.  I am tired of worrying about how my feelings affect him.  Sometimes I just feel like I have to take a deep breath so that I can stand it all.  I get so tired of explaining myself to him.  I really feel that I do not want to talk about everything and have my brain picked.  I am starting to think that maybe I should just go back to living by myself again, but then the anxiety comes and I am on the roller coaster ride again.  I Don't know what I really want to do for sure but I know that I am sick of apologizing for my condition. My Partner has told me in the past that my depression, anxiety, and pain are hard to live with and ever and since that I just keep feeling bad about myself if I can't keep on the happy face all the time.  Any way I sure hope I can find my self and my way soon.  May be I just need some breathing room, may be I just need to be by myself again.  I really don't know what I need right now.

Leslie, formally Sid

Sarah,

My living situation has been ok I guess but I feel like I have to keep worrying about what he needs to be happy.  He wants to move and buy a larger property because of his hobby of working on antique engines he would really like at least 1 acre of land and a shop to house his engines & tools they are in storage near my house, my garage is not big enough for all his stuff, but he has enough room  to work on some of his engines here at the house. I spent 80,000 getting my house ready to sell but lost the market because of the real estate crash. It took 1 1/2 yrs to complete and was very tiring emotionally. I have been in this relationship for 4 yrs now we have gone through a lot of grieving together.  He lost his mother and I lost my husband, my mother and most of my family now.  I really don't think I am up to selling my house and moving right now I am not sure I could take it emotionally or physically. I went through some major treatment for liver disease after my husband died and am cured for the time being but have not really bounced back like I thought I would. He helped me through my treatments some what when I had no one. I have told him I can not move yet he says ok but I feel he really wants me to move with him now and I just can't right now. I have suggested that he move on his own if he needs to and I will come visit him but he doesn't want to do that either.  He seems to be understanding but I told him that I had to rest so that I could get well 4 yrs ago when we met and I still I haven't had the time to rest and get well yet after all my treatments,the renovations,and the blended family stuff. This has been a very emotional  and trying time and I am really tired now.  I am not sure if I was really ready to get  involved in a relationship 4 yrs ago and I feel I need so time to take care of me and find my self after spending my whole life taking care of other people. I do not feel that I can get away by myself with out him at this time.  I know this is long winded but I wanted to answer your questions honestly, and yes I keep apologizing for the way I am feeling.   I really feel I need to stick to my guns on this issue and not let myself be pushed into anything I am not ready for.  I really feel I need to take care of my self and my needs now for once in my life.

Thanks for listening

Leslie.

 

   I have been able to leave the house and do something good for me !!!

 

   I have started walking again around a beautiful lake with trees and birds.

 

   I have worked up to a 45 minute walk.

 

   I feel much better now both emotionally & physically after these walks.

 

   It really feeling good knowing that I am doing something positive for my health.

 

   I have hope that I can get my blood pressure & cholesterol under control without meds

 

  And most of important of all walking really helps keep my depression & anxiety at bay

 

  I really had a beautiful walk this morning & feel good this afternoon.

 

    Leslie