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Tired of apologizing

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 50

Leslie,

I completely understand what you are going through. I feel I just might die of frustration if I have ot go one more day apologizing and explaining myself to my boyfriend. My partner is here for me now and says he is willing to be patient. But my fear is: what if I can't get better? Or what if i can't get better soon enough for him to still want to be around me? There are times when I just want to end it all, but I know that loneliness is one of my biggest issues that I deal with. Truth is, even when I am with my boyfriend, I still feel alone. There seems to be no end to this lonely feeling. I feel so apart from everyone I know and love. I truly do feel for you. Some days I am really trying to help myself and our relationship, bu its hard to do both. I don't even have myself in order. Keeping our relationship in order is another big task. I can't stand hurting him but everytime I promise I will get better, it gets worse again. I can't keep apologizing. I am tired of other asking me whats wrong, when I know it will be the same answer every time: I don't know. My partner things I am not trying hard enough or digging deep enough when I tell him I don't know why I feel the way I feel. But the truth is I really don't know whats wrong with me. Nothing is ever enough. I still remain blue.

I didn't mean to blab about myself, I do apologize. I just started doing this today and I feel like I just wanna pour it all out at once. I do feel for your feelings and hope your troubles soon come ot an end.

All the best,

Fallabe12

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Leslie, Even though it is scary, hurts sometimes, is confusing, I can tell you it's well worth it. Don't do like I did and try to rush through it. Take your time, work through it, redo what you didn't quite grasp and ask questions. I also didn't finish but I've returned to finish what I started! I use some of the sessions again when I get hung up on something.

You will be amazed at how much of a difference it makes. Keep posting on how you are doing, questions that you have, and issues going on in your life. This forum is just as much a part of the forum as any other part.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 199

I just want to thank you all for responding to my post. goofy,Diva, Dunner, Mandy, Amanda, Ashley, & Breanne. Reading your posts has helped me a great deal also. Its good to know that I am not the only one that has these feeling and that I am not alone in this. Its good to know that there may be help for me, help for all of us. This gives me great hope. I am going to try and take Ashley's advice to read and work through the program. I am a little scared a lot scared and I think that has kept me from getting started. I really feel I need to give this a try now for ME I am worth it and I just need to keep telling myself that. I want to thank you Breanne and Ashley for reminding me of that. I guess it s time for me to get to know the real me and to learn to love my self for who I really am.

God bless you all,

Leslie

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

hmmm, how to put on a happy face when you don't feel like it? I faked it till I made it. Do I still have to fake it, yeah sometimes. And I can tell you faking it is exhausting. I did what the program suggested. I made small goals, scheduled things for me, things I used to enjoy, thinks I wanted to learn to enjoy and took babysteps. And now I smile most of the time, because I want to and life is good. Other times, well, I have to fake it. Is it right to fake it? I don't know the answer to that one. But I know it was instrumental in helping me get to where I am.....so I did it - right or wrong!

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hey Dunner,

Glad the site is making a difference for you! It helps me a lot! Please post often!

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 955

Dunner,

It is so great to hear that this site has made a difference for you. As you mentioned in your post, the program will be key to your journey and well-being. Other members here will soon be along to provide their own support, advice, and encouragement.

Please continue to post and let us know how you are doing. We are here for you whenever you need us!

Sarah, Health Educator

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 4

Ashley,

Thank you for you words of encouragement and kindness. The little I have been on this site as already made a difference for me. I read through chapter one last night. I am going to do my homework and try real hard to work this program.

I am encouraged today that this program and the people here are going to be helpful to my success and survival. The key will be sticking with it. I am great at starting things but not sticking with them.

Thank you again to all who share themselves here. It is a blessing.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11216

Dunner,

I am glad you were able to find comfort in another member's post. I am sure many members and readers will find comfort in your posts as well.

I have already suggested you start with the program in another thread but I want to stress again the importance of the program. Begin as soon as you can and stick with it.

I would like to reflect on something you said, "I hate being crabby and negative but it is just who I am. I am not always chipper, I am moody and I don't like myself." Now I want to stress, this is not who you are. This is the depression. It can be hard sometimes for people, especially people who have been suffering with depression for a long time, to distinguish the difference between depression and who they are. A lot of the depressed ways of thinking have become so ingrained we feel that it is us that that is the problem and not the depression. You CAN be a person who is not crabby, moody and negative. You CAN like yourself. I am sure you know this, but I want you to really reflect on this. With that in mind how can you make this situation easier for yourself? How can you feel less exhausted? I know if you had the answers you probably wouldn't be here but let's discuss this.

Members and Dunner, how do you put on a happy face that is genuine and not faked?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 4

Leslie,

When I read your post tears came to me. I felt like I was reading my very thoughts and feelings. Your post explains exactly what is going on in my life that led me to finding the depression center.

It is like everyday I drag my myself out of bed, it sucks and I get crabby becasue I have to get up and go to work. Then I get to work and have to be happy or people are like whats your problem. Then I come home and I have to be happy some more becasue otherwise my family says whats your problem. I never have time to breath!! I hate being crabby and negative but it is just who I am. I am not always chipper, I am moody and I dont like myself. I put so much effort into surviving each day with the "happy face" that I am flippin exhausted!! What is the alternative, alone, jobless and homeless. I feel so stuck over a barrel. The depression kicks your butt so you HAVE TO struggle through every day, then you get exhausted, then you make everyone around you mad, then you feel guilty, then you feel sad, then you hit a low and rebound for a few days....the the flippin circle starts again and you go around and around. When does it stop? How do you make it stop? Ending my life is NOT an option but dang the daily struggles are so incrediable hard and so frustrating!!!

I know this may not help hearing others issues and here I go....I am sorry. But, I did find comfort in reading your post. Knowing there are others out thers like me and knowing I am not goofy. Beleiving I was sent here for a reason and praying I will find help in the program and peace in the postings I read.

I wish you peace and strength!!!

Dunner

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hey Mandy

Welcome to the forums! I get what you are saying. I get what everyone is saying. I apologize a lot too. I am working on it though lol. My husband finds the apologies more annoying then what I am apologizing about most of the time hahaha! So I get it. Hang in there!

And hey, in a way, whether we suffer from depression or not, we are all works in progress!

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Tired of apologizing