I just received a phone call telling me that I can go to my sons and his wifes house on Christmas to drop off the xmas gifts again this year.  I was told again that they are not having any one up to their house on Christmas day or Christmas eve and that I can drop off the gifts for the grandkids tomorrow or on Monday or Tuesday of this week. 

This is how my Christmas has been for the last few years and I do not know how do deal with the pain and grief it causes me.

I wish it could be different but I have to accept the fact that it never will be. I told myself it would be different this year but here I am again with my heart broken and I really dread Xmas every year and I still have to drive up and take my grandchildren their presents and try to put on a happy face for them.  How do I do it again this year? What about next year?

How do I accept this and resolve this in my mind?  I think that I should just send money next year and plan on being out of town next Xmas.  I can not keep doing this every year.  I think about it all year and it is ruining my life and making it had for me to move on with my life and be happy.  I do not want to hurt my son or grandchildren but it is killing me and making me very depressed.  I do not to be selfish but I just do to know what to do any more. It spoils any Xmas I may have on my own and I feel I will never feel good about the holidays. I am just wondering how to get through this and try to enjoy my life. All I can think of doing is praying to god and asking him take the pain away.

 

Red

 

I have a correction to my previous post.  I meant to say I received a call form my son saying he was supposed to call me and tell me that I CAN NOT go to his house and drop off presents on Christmas or Christmas eve this year they are not planning have anyone over. I was told this last year and the other grandmothers showed up at their house.  I am very depressed by this  and I will not be getting any sleep tonight.  I have tried taking xanax to sleep but don't expect it to work.  Xanax can't fix a broken heart.   Anyway I was thinking that maybe I could see if they might want ot come down to my house for Xmas dinner on Monday or Tuesday but I don't  think my daughter will agree to it because of my grandsons food allgeries.  Then I thought I could cook the ham and offer to take it to their house which is 1 hr away. I am pretty sure she will not agree to this either.  I really don't know if I can take another rejection.  I suggested that we should get together for a barbecue sometime when they stopped by at thanksgiving but she said their barbecue wasn't big enough.  I was told that I do not spend enough time with my grandkids and that if I didn't want to be a part of their family than they would write off.  I have tried on several occasions over the last 2 yrs to be a grandma and have suggest that we get together to barbecue or go camping or have a picnic but get no positive response.  They say they want met to come up to see the grandkids but when I do I do not feel welcome and spend most of my time outside in the garage watching the kids with no one to talk to.  So I suggested we do some of the things I mentioned above and asked them to come up with something and I would be more than willing to come.  Well I guess I will have to take the presents up their with no family dinner or anything and be happy to sit in the garage or the upstairs loft and watch the grandkids play.  I really don't want to do this anymore and am sick and tired of the whole situation and am wondering how I can get thought it again.   This is very very depressing and it is ruining my life, I wish they would make up their mind what they want and quit trying to make me feel guilty for not being a good grandmother when it seems to me that they really make it hard if not impossible for me to be a grandmother or part of their lives.  I am really a my wits end with this, at the end of my rope and really don't know what to do from here.  I do know that if I want to be less depressed and have some happiness in my life this has got to come to a end. I really need to put this behind me move on with my life.  I just can't figure how to do it.  How do I quit hurting?   I am  really sorry this is really long winded but I really needed to vent and didn't know what else to do.  I am not trying to be negative or bring any one else down but I am in so much pain and at my wits end and hoped vent would help me. I am sorry if I upset anyone with all this.

 

Red

 

Rebbie,

 

Thank you for your concern and prayers.  I do not think a conversation with them would help at this point I have tried this before and I really think I need to put a end to this abusive relationship once and for all.  Your heart is in the right place through and I appreciate your support.

Red

I did call and talk to my daughther in law about a year ago and asked her if their was anything I could do to make it easier for everyone when I am their to visit.  She said I do not know what you mean and that I needed to be more specfic. I didn't know what to say and the conversation ended.  I also sent a apologie letter and emailed before this stateing that I am sorry if I have done anything wrongand that I'm very happy that her and my son have each other to share their lives with.  I stated that I would like to come to family gathering and asked them to let me know ahead of time so that I can make sure that I am in town so that I will not miss out on being there and that I would love to come.  Her response to me via email was that I would find out about family function the way I always had.  I didn't know what to make of this.  I have continued to send birthday cards and have suggested going on a camping trip together and that I would cover the cost of  the trip and all they need to do is let me know when  they are available to go.  They responded that they are very busy and don't know when they can go. Anyway this is how is goes and I do not want to bring this up again in front of my grandchildred when I am droping off their xmas presents and spoil their Christmas.  So I really feel this a hopless situation and the ball needs to be in their court now and that I have done all I can do to be a part of their lives. I feel I need to move on with my life in a more positive direction if I ever want to get over this depression and have a happy life.  This is way to destructive at this point and it is not helping anyone.

Red

 

 

Ashley.

 

Being on a downward spiral in like free falling into bottomless pit of despair.  You have that empty feeling in the pit of your stomach.   You shut yourself off and go into your own world of torment and despair.  You feel like you are drowning in it and you can not come up for air. Its the abyss and you can't find your way out of it.

My answer to your question is yes.  Yes growing up in a house hold where I felt I like I never belonged, I felt isolated and alone and invisible.  That is all I can say about this at this time.  This is all I can handle talking about and remembering for now.   We can revisit this at another time.    Thanks for being there and helping me.

 

Red

The answer to your first question Yes.  

The answer to the second question is. I am still in the process of finding myself and finding where I belong in this world. I can not be specific at this time.  I do know that I would like to live out my days in a quiet and peaceful place with at lease 3 acres of land where I can relax and enjoy nature and the wildlife.

I want to thank you for talking to me and helping me through this and these feelings.  I am feeling much better now.

 

Red

I reached out for help again today and received it

I was able to talk out my feeling and come to some decisions

I have been checking out some campgrounds and am working on a backup plan for Xmas

The campground is the picture I use for my Blog a very healing place that I love, a bird watchers paradise

I worked on my crochet project last night when I couldn't sleep

I think I handled this last episode much better than I usually do

I am still working on session 2 its taking me a little longer than I expected.  I am having a little trouble staying focused and motivated at the moment.  I have been busy thinking about Christmas and all that goes with it.  I have also been having vertigo for the last 2 wks and headaches for a few days  now and of course my usual trouble of not getting enough sleep.  I am sorry I am falling behind but I am sure it will get better after new years.  I'll try to catch up with you all later, but for now I am going to have to slow down and do this at my own pace.

 

Merry Christmas to everyone & Happy New Year

 

Red