I gained about 2 lbs.. :) and accepted the grief/loss of the koi as I buried them. I also now know which of my neighbors and family members enjoy banana bread. The most rewarding part was being productive in a relaxed way and reaping the rewards while bread was still warm. Comforting feeling.
I understand what you mean. Driving is a long time fear I avoided the most. If you're driving and want to scream and give up, Scream, I am doing this, smile and continue. There is no greater feeling than kicking anxiety into a far corner in your mind by kicking its butt with that statement. I know, because I've done it. It's no worse than someone who sings really loud while driving and for me it felt really good screaming it out loud.
I wish I had words to help you. I will try my best. Fear is an emotional thing that serves us in fearful situations, like a tornado or fire. It helps us to make the decision of fight or flight. It shouldn't hinder us in our daily lives and activities. For some reason, with people like us it does for some reason. I want it gone too. I want to drive like I did years ago. I drove the highway to work daily, in any weather condition with no fear. Concern at times yes, but never this fear that is always there now. I tried to think of the genie that Davit suggested. My fear genie is ugly and evil looking. He's really big too. I can't picture the good genie though. Hopefully soon, I can picture the good genie. Keep in mind that setbacks happen. But, if you've done the program, you're not at step one, you're ahead of that. Keep that in your mind. That's what I do. Hang in there and repeat again tomorrow. If you give up and start the avoidance over again, it gets harder to do the next time. You can do this!! You want to!!
Yesterday, while sitting on porch, I realized how I was thinking. It was just there-mind chatter. Most of it was negative worry thoughts and was causing me anxiety. I did belly breathing for a while and then realized the worry thoughts were back. I am under a bit more stress than the previous weeks, but took note throughout the day as I did chores, the negative worry thoughts were there, going non-stop. I tried to distract myself with music, it worked for a short time, but again the thoughts were just there. I challenged the thoughts when I could logically take note of one or two. But there were so many, and so random. Maybe this is part of the process, recognizing it, and finding a solution.
It started again this morning shortly after I got up. I was using the phrase "stop the thought" and redirect my attention to something positive, but that works for a few minutes then it's back again. I tried to do my yoga nidra, but the thoughts even interrupted my concentration. Maybe, it's because I'm giving it attention knowing the thoughts are there.
I smiled when I read that, a real smile. Is it true? I might look like the Joker from Batman if I fake a smile. :)
Agua,
I used to follow up "stop the thought" with, you're better than this. At some point that fell away. I'll have to think up some gentle phrases while I try to go to sleep.
I read a book when I was first diagnosed with generalized anxiety a decade ago. I wish I could remember the name of the book. Stop the thought was theory to stopping negative thoughts and reducing anxiety also known as "thought stopping". I have been using "stop the thought, you're better than that" since then. It worked well, up until here recently, but I also realized I had dropped the "you're better than that". It was in the book. I had been successful with that phrase up until recently.
I believe in the CBT. I want to change how I think even if it means I have to be assertive and/or partially aggressive with my thoughts. Being a passive person along with many other stresses/factors and things from my past, in my opinion, is what led me to having this disorder in the first place.
I have worked tiredly on the worry worksheets the past two days. Today, I decided I was making a quilt and my thoughts are just going to have to go to the corner and wait. Do you know what happened? Those thoughts are still in a corner. 1. Because I told them to go there or 2. I worked diligently on the worry worksheets putting them to rest. 3. The quilt is in the washer because it's done, all sewed together and there isn't a negative worry thought in my head right now. If or when one of them come back, I will find a positive to replace it or challenge it over and over until it's gone. I want my 100%. I figure right now I have 70% cured daily with some days less. I'm going to work hard for that 100%.
If I can get to 80% panic free, my days would be better. 100% panic free and I would be relieved. I want it, and I'm working hard for it. I am so thankful for this group of members like me and the help I have got from this disorder on here. I know to expect setbacks, but knowing I can come into the forum and ask for help, gives me relief as well. That in itself helps with the anxiety. I didn't know sending my negative worry thoughts to the corner would work when I did it. I was overwhelmed by working so hard on the worry worksheets, frustrated would be the word for it, that I just did it like they were bad children hypothetically speaking. So far, so good. They're still in the corner.
I made the quilt for one of my grandsons. He is always asking what's in my pockets. He is three. I have an antique gumball machine so I always put a few pennies in my one of my pockets when I know they are coming over. He loves digging through my pockets for the pennies, so I cut up about 12 pairs of my jeans into squares, pockets included and made him a quilt out of denim pockets including front pockets. I sewed it backwards/inside out, so when I washed it, the denim would fray on the edges. It's more unique than lovely, and it has a sentimental story to it. I'm putting pennies in every pocket as well.
Today while sitting on porch in early evening before watering time for the flowers, I noticed they (flowers) were all in the shade. I looked to the shadow line and its about a foot and half more towards the north. We've lost about another half hour of sunlight as the sun is already setting here. I will enjoy the fall colors when they arrive. I have also noticed the mosquitos have lessened, but the sweat bees are plentiful. One was hovering right in my face as if to taunt me. It reminded me of a negative worry thought. I sprayed it with my mist bottle and told it to go away.
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