Phew!

think i've worked it out but unfortunately seem to have missed you. Was late getting to computer, just had bad phone call, my 86 year old mother in law just taken a bad fall, 10 stiches in her head and she is home with my sister in law. They are angry at my husband and i as we have not been in contavt for past few weeks due to my illness. Havent been up to calling them. Feel pressure to go visit tomorrow, of course i want to as Im worried at the repercussions of such a fall at her age. Its an hours drive and I'm not sure I'm up to it as meds are still new and my concentration and co ordinationis terribly. Will have to. Well this is u.k and it never just rains but pours. only 5 mins of tears today though so maybe tomorrow will be even better. Will be back on line around 9am x

Anyone care?

Oh Lady, Have been logged on for most of this morning but my concentration has been on getting into the im. So sorry you feel like that about no response. i too have had a little of that as my u.k. time seems to be out of wack with most others. You were doing so well. Please dont downward spiral. People do care, I care. Sorry for not seeing the post before now. Took time out to take a shower and it exhausted me. Damn meds, I know they are important but they sure as hell wack me out. Also doesnt help that I was up most of the night with tremours and sweats. etc. take care keep posting if you give me a time when you think you might log on i will see if i can be here. X

so sick of death and grief

just going to take a look at session 3 myself. even though its really too soon sometimes i find it helpful to see the next stage

Anyone tried acupuncture?

Have tried acupunture some years back, took alot of sessions to get any pain relief but it did help. Helped more in that I used to sleep better rather than pain relief. My friend gave up smoking with it though so it definately works for some things. Have tried almost everything for pain over the years, tens machine, faith healing, just about the lot. when you are so bad you'l try anything. Am currently having chiropractic treatments. 3 a week and in 3rd week. Not sure yet as unclear of results as have had such a bad time with the change of all the medication. Will let you know.

I'm Back. Should I take Effexor?

hi nullpointer happy your doing so well on this, makes me think that my 1 tablet which i had a very bad reaction to may have been that maybe dose was too high. too late for me to try the effexor as just gone back on to the lofepramine but its making me very agitated and no sleep. think its the lack of sleep thats making me even more depressed. Your story is encouriging though as i know i need to give these a good chance. Just how long does it take for the side effects to go down let alone to start feeling any better?

Big mistake

Well, another huge mistake this weekend, Totally flipped, for no reason a sane person may say. Went to chiropractor sat morning, felt a bit dizzy and faint due to meds but husband drove so all seemed to be fine. Got home and had to go visit his 86yr old mother who had taken a bad fall. I am still at this time holding myself together. Then as I went to walk out the door I fell. Really badly, hurt shoulder, my shins landed on a step so now very bruised and swollen and to top it all the bruise on my back horrendous. At the time it was more shock than pain so guess what, hubby still insists that i go with to see his mum. When we got home he obviously wanted to watch the rugby in the evening, I went to have a rest. When i got up he had said he was recording a programe that was on same time as rugby but actually he had fogotten to press the record button but accused me of deleting it. something so silly made me snap. I just went for it all guns blazing and couldnt stop myself. I knew i just had to get out of the house and decided to drive to my sons. My husband took the keys to the car away from me and told me what a nutter i was and worse, so i took the keys to his beloved van. He was saying , not the van not the van, I dont know, it just really got to me. should he not have been worrying about me rather than the van. Well i drove his damn van to my sons where i spent the night. my husband went to bed and didnt even bother to try to find out where i had gone. Well the upshot of all this drama was I returned home on Sunday morning and locked myself in the bedroom. Couldnt face hubby, you know for a moment i was filled with hatered, sadness and despair all at the same time. also had missed my meds as had gone to my sons without even any shoes, what a sight. My son came round Sunday afternoon and had a long chat with me, said how sorry he was that he hadnt realised how sick i was. Could see now that i had been telling him for weeks and he just really wasnt listening or couldnt belive that Mum wasnt in control. He then went into the lounge and lectured my husband, said he understood how my hubby couldnt cope or understand but it was up to them to learn about the illness and they would have to cope. But he demanded to know one thing. Did my husband want to help as if not he must say so that my son and daughter know whats happening. He said, Dad dont tell us you will do something for mum and then not do it. She has always been there for all of us and we have let her down. It broke my heart to hear him but the relief of knowing that I may get some support is encouraging. I will have to wait and see if words = actions but at least i feel as though i have someone on my side. The pain of the bruising today is awful and this morning I thought i was doing o.k. until my father phoned and demanded something from me and i just crumbled again. I guess it really is 1 step forward and 2 steps back but I am hoping that at some point the forward steps will be more than the backwards ones. Husband bringing the his lap top back for me around 2pm GMT will try to go on im and see if anyone around. take care all. till later x ps. love the new picture Daily Llama.

Big mistake

thanks wildcat and lady, whew, havent done any homework and had hoped to start session 3. Will start tonight when i have had a rest. Think I need to phone my Dad and appologise for my outrage this morning, iknow i wont feel better until i have spoken to him and feel calm now to do it. I know he will also be upset that he upset me even though it was over something that i have continuously asked him not to mention. My son has also spoken to my brother who very very reluctantly agreed to take charge of my fathers finances until i am strong enough although no understanding on his part, but i dont need him to understand just be prepared to share the load of my poor old disabled father. I guess I just took on the role after my mother died and no one has questioned it and why would they? Well now I cant push his wheelchair so my brother or his wife will have to help with hospital visits etc even if they do it grudgingly. My father knows that I love him and not negleting him because i choose too. He loves me unconditionally but also relies on me heavily, it will be ineresting to see if my brother even offers to do something for Dads birthday next week as I have always had all the family to me. Also Christmas, my Dad moves in for a month but he wouldnt go anywhere else and I wouldnt want him too. It will ust be interesting to see if my brother and his wife even offer. He is my baby brother by 5 years so I have always looked out for him too. Funny how life dictates from a young age who leans on who in familys. Seems to me that reading a lot of the posts it is some of the strongest most intelligent people who end up in this depression spiral. Do we take too much on? Do we ask too much of ourselves? Do we delegate enough? Are we invisible? Do we expect people to guess when we need help and for some reason not ask for it until we cannot cope anymore? Is this eldest child syndrome? Its my son who has stepped up, again the eldest child, My daughter who is bright, charming, sensitive who cares deeply for all, remembers everyones birthday etc. is still taking the lead from her brother and by golly is she one strong opinionated cookie. My husband is the youngest of 3, two older sisters so is still at 58 considered to be the baby of his family, is that why he thinks i should always take care of him? so many questions. Time to call Dad. X

heartbroken

You cant just deal with this, you can only know that the person that didnt listen still doesnt understand your pain or my be too afraid to. Some people, in fact it seems most people see the tears and cry for help as a weakness other than an illness. Would they have been so unkind if you were in tears because you had broken your leg? This is something all of us with depression are facing. Unfortunately the ignorance of others only makes us feel even worse. Its one thing to be unhelpful but unother to be destructive which it appears is what is happening for you. It is hard. Belive me, hard hard hard, sometimes it seems impossible just to get through the day but hang on in there and try hard to work the programe, also difficult when you feel so low but at least it helps you to feel that you are doing something to help yourself. Good luck , keep posting, talk to us. x

new people talk to us

Hi Rina, see your logged in, talk to us. x

new people talk to us

Hi rena Gosh, I have been there and still am but with the help of others on this site am getting stronger each day. (i think). It seems that all of us go one step forward and 2 back then at some point you jump 3 forward and feel a little ahead. Comparing yourself to other people in my opinion is not wrong, we all do it to some degree, its just when we are depressed we tend to compare ourselves to the people who can do it all and not the ones who cant. I havent been able to get out of bed for some 3 weeks but have made it to the shop last week. I cooked dinner yesterday, all normal things that I havent been able to do since this depression took hold of me. Dont beat yourself up. Try to do the programe. session 1 is easy and you only see how useful it is when you get onto session 2. Please give it a try. Have you talked about this to your doctor? Please do, I urge you to if you havent as my mistake was to leave things until they got so bad it will be such a hard slog to come back from the fog. You are not alone, you have help here, use it and keep posting your worries. There are a lot of great people posting that give some great advice. Hang on in there. Help is out there you have taken the 1st step. x