whats the point

Hi back from hospital with no meds as was waiting to be addmitted. Health insurance wont pay. Its £6500 up front so no way I can pay either so its back to going it alone. Have to wait for the consultant to fax over the new prescription and hopefully will start them in the morning. Feel that I havent been able to offer support to anyone else properley on this site so feel bad about that also. Husband home feeling guilty, or so he says, as he had to come home to try to sort out the health insurance. I need to sleep but am so wired. No sleep last night, spent it on my knees praying. God is really testing my strengh and pushing his luck as the easy option looks the best option just now. will go for hot bath and try to sleep. Why is everything annoying me, He's just sitting there not doing anything! Its irritating, wash up or something, i dont care. well enough already, I will try to come back with a more positive mind frame. x

whats the point

dumpling, thanks, a hug would be so great! And so needed. I want my mum. At 53 i miss her so. My son poped round as I plucked up the courage to ask for his help. Funny thing trying to hide things from your adult kids, still being the mum and trying to protect them. Dont want them to be in the same position as I am with my father during the best years of their life. Still 1st thing he said to me was Mum you look terrible, you did Sunday and have done for a time. Dad also looks rough, he cant cope with you and doesnt know how to help. We all dont. Dont take the bloody tablets we want you back and if you have withdrawl symptoms they wont last forever. Then we concentrate on the pain medication and get that right. It all started with the terrible pain and we have to sort that. Now your heads stuffed and we cant even talk to you. You shout, cry and it cant be good to be taking all these things. Your right, we have been avoiding you. your just not you anymore. i want to help and dont know how. I love him for this but I'm really not sure that I can cope without any anti depressants I have gone too low. How can he understand that. But I will try for another couple of days to go totally without and then review the situation. My new prescription is for Mirtazapine. Has anyone taken it and what is your thoughts. I am terrified of the side effects. The insert says nightmares and uncontrolable hunger. would love some feedback before i pop one of these. Feel better now that my son knows, he says my daughter already knows but is very upset and finds it terrrible to hear her mum and Dad fighting and me being horrible all the time. Thats how the world sees mental health, not as an illness but us being horrible or unreasonable or angry and and and. Tomorrow I am starting to work through session 2. my goal is to organise my lounge. (the paper work pile is going in a box) i have a millitary service next week at my home. Not sure i am up to this but will have to be, its an annual rememberance for a serviceman who died at my home in the battle of Britain. he was only 21, we have to honour the brave. So I will pray that day for all the brave people who log on to this site who go into battle everyday just to get through the day. That is my goal for this week, to make this service happen. guess that means I have my own battle in Britain to make it. x

Feeling Alone and Frustrated

Hi dont know if this helps at all but found out about my husbands 1st affair when my son was only 2. Blamed myself? forgave but unfortunately you cant ever forget. We got over it and had our daughter. She was 17 when i found out about the next affair, well maybe there were others that i never new about, there will always be that doubt. The girl he was seeing was only 19. How could i compete? again i blamed myself and as, like you, it seemed that the only broken sole was me. Still for better or worse i hung in there. Not sure if that was the right thing to do or if that would be right for you. What I do know now was that it wasnt my fault. Not any of it. It was his own lack of self esteem. He needed to feel fanciable, he needed the attention, he needed to see if he still 'had it' This is not your fault. You are broken and feeling the fall out. Dont punish yourself. Take time out. Be angry, you have every right. He has hurt you, deeply. before you take any major decisions get yourself stronger. Then weigh it all up, life with him or life without him only you will know what you can live with. good luck. keep posting x

It's More than Okay to be Selfish

dumpling, The other grandparents are far from perfect people and you know it. Know one is perfect, and to be even close they would want their grandchildren to have both sets of grandparents who can offer them different qualitys, different social skills, different ideas of fun. Money doesnt instil good moral grounding or a set of values. look at poor Britanny spears all the money in the world cant help that poor kid and her own kids. It also doesnt buy happiness, are they truly happy if they have to keep trying to prove they are better than you? Maybe they could use some of their wealth to maybe give you more help, say around the house, a cleaner or something to take the pressure off you. Now that would may make them nearer to perfect. Dont beat yourself up enjoy your time with your grandchildren and when they grow they will make up their own minds if they prefered money or time, love and effection when they were small. I guess it will be you the other grandparents they envy then, Good luck.x

Hello

alikat hope you get as much from the group as I have. I think its fair to say that without the good people over this time i wouldnt be here today. Good Luck. Just ask away and vent if you need. x

me again

vent all you need rosie, The group have saved me for sure. Still have a long way before I find that light but will strive to find it. Good luck.x

wow, what choices

You are quite right of course, But what to do when the professional you are seeking help from changes the medication. I myself have been on lopeframine, 2years with the addition of clonazepam for 2 months only to change recently when the bottom suddenly fell out of my life. 5 days to come off the meds with 3 days clear before i could try the effexor. Very bad reaction so only took 1 tablet on psychologists advice. I was quite happy to stick with it if it was going to prove helpful in the long term but apparently the side effects were not the norm. So now for the new one Remeron which i admit i am afraid to take as I have no follow up as my medical insurance wont pay and my own Dr is next to useless. The ideal would be to have a professional person that you can have regular follow ups with who would see you through and find what works. In reality the health service here in the U.k. leaves a lot to be desired. Its hard enough to see a G.P but the waiting time to see a consultant on the N.H.S is 3 months. You can only work with the resorces you have available to you. I hope this clarifys a little why it appears that some of us are not on the medication long enough to see if it works. If only! If you have any experience of Remeron I'd appreciate the feedback. after 28 years with a broken back i am pretty used to long term medication. sorry just read this back and it sounds defensive, I just want ed to share the reasons why I have had to swap myself and dont know how to write it how i want to say it.x

whats the point

Patrick, Have searched and searched this site and seem to have lost the ability to navigate around and find replies, so bad, cant get up, no way of getting out of the house trembling. Have no insurance or money to get the help and support needed. Cant even have an appointment with the guy who prescribed the mirtazapine as he's private. Reason he didnt give over any advice was i was supposed to be an in patient and they would have watched over me and seen me through, talked about it all then. As that couldnt happen I was just faxed a prescription and left to get on with things. 3 weeks ago I was bad but knowwhere like now. I wonder until i can find the help I need if it wouldn't be best to go back on the lofepramine as i know it agrees with me and has seen my through the past couple of years. I would then be at a functional level to make phone calls and find help. cant function at all. some advice has been to go out and take a walk, i cant even walk down the stairs, not only through the back pain but because of the hell of taking no drugs whatsoever for the past week. I am desperate and dont know where to turn. Seems most people on the site are in the place i was 3 weeks ago and have some o.k moments even if they are brief and hard won. I really am in jack s... cant see as I'm typing this, how did my life end up this way? All avenues tried for help over the past few days have been blocked. I need something I know that. But I cant deal the new drug alone, they have only given me 4 days supply anyway and I cant go back to the same doc for more. Please give your thoughts its all spinning totally out of control. Have no friends locally to call on. No one. cant stand this feeling sheer panic srticken.

whats the point

Patrick thanks for the response. have done the breathing and feel just ok to type. i got the lofepromine from the same m.D but as it wasnt doing its job effectively after 2 years he thought that maybe a change would be right. It was this M.D who faxed my usless G.P who only gave me 4 days supply. Yes you are right the idea being that i was supposed to go back for a follow up now that i'm not an inpatient. That door has now been closed as it was private. Yes the N.H.S will prescribe but with no follow up or support if it goes tits up. As for the morphine it was a mistake to not take it. As i was going cold turkey with the lofepramine and clonazepam so i could start new meds I was so out of it I forgot what time/day it was and just didnt take it. Thats why in these circumstances we need someone to think for us for a while to make sure that the essential things are done for us, but if you dont have that luxury, its down to self reliance. i forgot so had withdrawal from that also. No wonder i'm in such a mess. I have an appointment with the spinal surgeon on 2nd November. Maybe they can help with the pain but they wont do anything about psych even though the whole pain issue was what through me into this downward spiral. Different department. I just want someone to look at me as a whole person and take all into acount. I am in the throughs of menapause and are on HRT patches. God what a junkie! would rather be back at the place I was a month ago even though that wasnt good I could still function a little. MD just called while I type to you and has said in view of the circumstances he thinks go back onto what we know (lofepramine) he will write to my G.P and then I am in the hands of the N.H.S. not ideal but its where i'm at. This country just sucks at medical. How I wish I was back in S.A where i have to say you have some of the finest medical help. Gosh the bad feelings have swooped over agin. its like a rush, a shiver of electric shocks. why do I stop breathig. Keep holding my breath? will work the deep breathing you suggest again. sorry must go lie down, feel very sick. x

Big mistake

Hi guys, Big mistake, huge. sorry took ages replying to dumpling and patrick only to have thread removed. Silly really just got carried away typing, you know, the tears etc. Wont happen again, worst of it is that i lost your feedback that gave me great comfort. i have gone back on the lofepramine, confused as obviously i came off it for a reason but without the help couldnt move on to the new pill. Have to think positive and hopefully will feel the benefits of the lofepramine in the coming weeks. Have an appointment to see spinal surgeon end of month so will then get the correct pain medication. till then will concentrate on working the programme and I truly appologise if my postings have upset any of you. I was just venting. x