does the UK have something like meals on wheels? It is a service that takes meals to the homebound. You pay for it but only the cost. Does the health care system provide home care? My mother who is 87 has a red cross homemaker who comes in and checks on her. It is cheaper for the health system than a nursing home and she is happier. She got it mainly because my sister, who was the primary caregiver is dying of cancer.
It is very hard for relatives to deal with an illness that seems to be only self pity. My husband is great but I don't tell him when I feel really bad This group is good for that because you don't put stress on loved ones.
You said your kids were gone. My baby left for the US in August and all 3 of my children now live over 3000 miles from me. That, as much as anything, is what brought on my latest suicidal episode in late August. Get those meds sorted out and at least you will be able to cope. Now go to sleep so you can face tomorrow.
Happiness... Ah, but that really is the problem. Your constitution promises life, liberty and the PURSUIT of happiness, not happiness. Happiness is a fleeting thing for everyone. One minute your life is full and everything is going fine , then POW! something hits you in the face. And usually it is many somethings that hit you all at once. so savour happiness when it comes, but don't chase it because it is not something that can be caught.
What we really should strive for in our children is not happiness, but resilience. Than is what the group of us here lack. And that is something that I worked hard at creating for my kids. And succeeded (for them). But I still have not got there yet myself.
So seek to make them resilient and able to handle whatever comes their way and you will be a good mother. Because bad things come to everyone and it is how we handle them that marks us a decent functioning human beings.
You are right but as women we are conditioned to be the nurturers and feel selfish demanding it. Many of my recent episodes have been triggered at least partially by my #2 son. He was angry when I didn't "support" him properly during his divorce six years ago. I thought I was, by trying to get him to talk to me about his decision and make sure that he wasn't making a mistake. He said it was because he didn't want children (and she did) because we were such crappy parents and his father was always working and never there for him.
He didn't want to marry again so his girlfriend got "accidentally " pregnant (and he dumb enough to believe it)as soon as the divorce was final. So I attended the baby shower and developed a relationship with DIL #2. And helped her with the fancy wedding she wanted a year after they got married.
Her wealthy parents found them a house 3 blocks from where they lived (3000 miles from me) and #2 son took over their family business. Her parents were there every day and so when I came to visit the baby would cry if I picked her up because she didn't know me. Their second daughter (my son's idea) was better because she rarely got attention but it has taken 4 years for them both to know me when I come. They moved but her parents now stay with them 8 months of the year and have their own room in their new house. I have told #2 son that visits go well when her parents stay away but he just tells me to talk to his wife.
So at my last visit the first day we had the kids to ourselves and it was great. But then the other grandparents arrived with a $300 camera for the 4 year old and Christian Dior dresses for both. And I overheard the other grandma telling the nanny that I should not be allowed to be alone with the kids in the pool because I was too fat to take care of them (5'7", 200 #). I had just had another 10 pound weight jump due to low thyroid levels so this cut deeply but I bit my tongue. And I bit my tongue when she pointed out the furniture they had bought my son and DIL and the $20,000 area rug, that really was worth more because young girls go blind making them. And bit my tongue when they took the kids with them leaving us (hubby & I) alone during the day and slept with them at night so I couldn't even put them to bed. But when I found out that they were timing their visit to stay as long as we were and leave when we left I lost it.
I told my husband about the remark and how I felt and we decided to quietly leave immediately. But my son phoned, looking for his FIL, and I answered it thinking he might want to talk to us. I yelled at him; he told hid in laws to leave. I refused to let them and we stayed one more day and left early. #2 son did not speak to either of us
continued...
DIL spoke but was monotone and only as needed, but was "normal" to hubby. Son left the room when we entered. The other grandparents were fine. Daughter (who, since August lives with and works for son) was supportive. I left in a state of suicidal depression. Hubby left furious. I blamed my self for not holding my temper.
Got home Sept 1, back on Effexor, still suicidal. Made an appointment with DR for several weeks later (too many other commitments on my part). And when I got there she was sick. Her replacement told me I should try to be the happy, fun grandma and the kids would come to me.
But I did decide that it was time to be selfish. I wrote to the other grandparents. I told them that I did not mind them spoiling the grandkids, but I wanted a chance to spoil them too. And I could not do so if they were there when I was. And that for special days, perhaps I could come the week before and stay for the special day and they could come the special day and stay the week after. They have not responded.
To schedule pleasant events, I e-mailed my son 2 weeks ago and asked if I could come down the last week of Oct. He said they were planning a business trip but would ask his wife if they could leave the kids behind. I offered to coordinate the trip to babysit. No response. I wrote last week and he said the visit was OK but his wife 'might ' stay home. So I have booked tickets, told the other grandparents when i would be there, but I am VERY nervous. Hubby refuses to go.
it would be SO...oooo much easier to just walk out of his life and forget about grandkids. After all, I had resigned myself to having none when he announced that we were lousy parents and he didn't want kids. (My oldest son's wife had chemo and bone marrow transplant and can't have children and my daughter, who is 23, thinks she'll wait until she is 40!)
I am really worried about the upcoming visit. But I feel that I have to force myself to do it.
I am scared of a relapse. And I am not sure I am ready. I scheduled 5 days. I hope I can make it through. Any hint at criticism of DIL's parents sets off major reaction. They are perfect and I am a piece of dirt.
I am going to treat this as a behaviour experiment. Besides, son will not be there & DIL wants things to work. And I have asked the other grandparents to please stay away and allow me to bond with the grandkids.
I am a competent, highly respected, skilled person. People pay me well for my time and I have never had to "sell" anyone on my services.
I may not have material wealth but I have far more valuable things to give my grandchildren. My other children love and respect me. My husband loves me. My mother needs me; my sister with stage 4 cancer needs me. I have nieces and a nephew who think of me kindly.
I have many people I have helped along the way and only a few I have hurt. People remember me from over 40 years ago and I can't look too old because I have been warmly recognized by them.
Everything will be OK, and if it is not, I will hold my head high and take a long walk in the dessert. And when I come back I will deal with it. I can do this
Oh Gabs, I would just like to fly over there and hold you! I know exactly how you feel. It's how I felt for most of September. But you must hang in there.
Your hubby just sits there because he doesn't know what to do. He can't understand and doesn't know how to support you. In every marriage people feel like walking out at times. I have been married 40 years and have often thought I would like to walk away. And I am sure my husband has too. But the end is worth it. Someone who knows you better than anyone else.
Have you ever thought about talking to your father? I know you don't want to burden him, but I am sure he would appreciate being asked to help, rather than just accepting help from you. That can be a great gift to a parent, to feel needed.
Have you thought about a live support group? It will be hard to drag yourself out to it but you can say anything without feel of burdening those you love. And they are usually free.
But now you need to sleep. No praying or begging, just rock yourself to sleep. Or ask hubby for a back massage. It will help him to feel that he is doing what he can.
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