I also have a family history of depression. I am 60. My father was adopted and struggled with depression all his life until he developed a brain tumour and became outgoing and cheerful. My brother killed himself. My sister is a total recluse.
But i have successfully (more of less) broken the chain. I consciously thought about how to raise my children so that they would not suffer like I have. When I was about 11, I analyzed what I liked and hated myself and changed, as best I could, what I hated. And I thought about the environmental factors that had led to some of the things I hated and worked hard at not repeating the mistakes wehn I had children.
I have 3 children. One gets depressed from time to time but manages it well. The other two are fine. ( well, not perfect, but they don't get deeply depressed)
It definitely has something to do with brain chemistry but there is more than that going on
I thought I was doing OK, until I started talking about Christmas plans. Now I am crying and depressed and want to go to bed and pull the covers over my head for about a year.
So you may think that everyone but you is doing OK but that is not so. It it just that when things get really bad it is hard to get up the energy to do anything but lurk.
So you are OK, everyone has setbacks.
DL's suggestion is a good one. I think I am just an all round f-up. I found out grand kids would be in Hawaii indirectly. Pissed I wasn't told but strangely relieved to not have to spend xmas with son & DIL. I feel so uncomfortable at their place. As if I am being judged and found unworthy. I need to stop allowing my son to treat me like dirt. I don't know. I confused and screwed up
I am going to make some kits for grandkids. Last year I helped them make presents and was planning to do the same this year. Want to teach them that Christmas is about giving, not just getting. I'll just have to be more creative, since they will have to do it on their own.
anyhow thanks for the rescue, DL. I was plunging dangerously low.
Sometimes you need a lifeline. A stranger willing to be a friend. Not an impersonal suicide line. Not someone who is going to judge you. Not a relative who will feel trapped in the middle. Not a friend who may not be able to support you. And NOT a husband who loves you so much that it hurts him to know how bad things are.
Over the last 4 months this site has offered me that. It is frustrating because the conversations are rarely simultaneous. The chat is a great idea that rarely works because we are in different time zones with different schedules. I just want you all to know that you have been a help. You have kept me hanging on when I am down and when I am relatively OK perhaps I have helped some of you.
I know I need more help than I am currently getting, but I am so far behind in my obligations as it is that I haven't got time to seek it. When you are drowning it is hard to build the boat.
I won't see them before or after but I am making them some flannel nighties (They only have silk) and some lace angels they can decorate and give to their parents and other grandparents for a present. I bought them a Billy Goat Gruff book so they can remember the game we played on the "bridge" (a 3 foot slab of stone) in their back yard last time I was there.
I'm OK now. Christmas is a big deal for me. I have to remember that it isn't for everyone. And I will be with my other children. And even if I wasn't I would have a good Christmas.
that's interesting. I notice that when I am depressed I never sing. When I am "normal" I sing all the time. Singing can make you feel good. Singing with kids is great. The last time I saw my grandkids, I was singing to them (and they to me) while supervising them in the bathroom. My daughter and daughter in law came in to see what was going on. They thought we were nuts!!
A lot of people here talk about taking a leave from work as a way to solve their depression. I know that work is often the cause of stress and can contribute to depression, especially if it leaves you on a treadmill of no time/need money/poor performance/ may lose job/ more stress/etc.
Thirteen years ago I quit a high stress dead end job and went back to school. So I understand that leaving a job can help healing.
But work also forces you to be social which is something that is very hard to do if you are depressed. Social interaction is something that you need to prevent the downward spiral. I think that people need to be careful about the tendency to hide out from the world.
Work can provide an incredible support system and distract you from your troubles. Full time is probably too much for many of us but part time can really help. I just took over coverage for one of my clients who had to fire a manager. I was really reluctant to do it, remembering the stresses of the past. But I agreed to work 2 days a week. this is the end of day 2 and I feel so much better.
It is really gratifying to go in to see people who are glad and grateful for your help. (It helps that the previous manager was so bad I can do his job in 2 days, better than he did in a week).
When the staff found out that I was going to take over the department temporarily, I was greeting with hugs. Great for the ego. I wouldn't and couldn't do it forever, but temporarily is good.
Forcing yourself to go out and do something that requires interaction with people can help. Cheaper than group therapy! And more fun.
I think that the word "belief" is causing misunderstanding among the group. The term as used in this program is not about beliefs, although these may form part of your "core beliefs and assumptions". It is something deeper than that. I have been trying to find a better term to describe what it means. It is your own personal, unconscious "theory of everything". It comes from all the many patterns you have consciously or unconsciously observed throughout your life. These accumulate to form your view of yourself and the world and you use these to make predictions about what will probably happen next. If you are told you are worthless and can only please by being perfect you may end up believing that you can never do anything right. So part of your core may be that you are a total f-up and your predictions of the outcome of a situation is that you will fail.
To change this core is not easy. You first have to stop believing in the negatives, start feeling, or telling yourself "wrong" every time those thoughts come up. Then you have to work very hard and long again and again to keep doing it or you will slip back into your old "Core beliefs and assumptions" It is so easy to slip back into that familiar core. It happens without even being noticed. So you have to keep vigilant in challenging that negative core.
That's why it is so hard. Maybe it would help if someone outside of you reminded you when you started to slip back. But sometimes they don't see it because we hide it or they become impatient because we keep slipping back into those old patterns.
Does anyone have a better way of explaining it?
It is so easy to go into a negative spiral and so hard to prevent it. Pain, of course and other medical problems contribute. I find that it is a lot easier when you grow a little older (I'm 60) and see that life has both its up and downs and experience a few of the good things along with the bad. Then you can see that, because you feel horrible today, does not mean that you will feel bad forever. I guess it is called perspective.
I have had problems with depression ever since I can remember. Even as a child, my report cards say that I was very "high strung" because I would cry easily.
It does get better. Being a teenager is the hardest thing you will ever do. And you are almost done!!! So it can only get better.
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