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I finally have my answer

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 201

goofy, thanks i needed that. i just wake up every day and go to bed every day thinking i put my son in jail. i dream or have nightmares, rather, about what is happening to him. this isn't the first time. part of me thinks he's safer in there, part of me is terrified that he is being abused. i can't shake not being good enough, not being on top of things, not putting an end to things, not putting him first, and on and on and on. i did the tree, i did the presents, i did it for my husband. christmas sucks - it has for the last few years. i understand mom, the autopilot - i'm just going through the motions, but at least i'm moving?

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Mom of 3

First Rose306, I am not writing to contradict you, but to add to what you have said.

As a parent, I wish I could say everything went perfectly. My son is an attorney. Let me tell you about the times I bailed him out of jail when he was running wild. Let me tell you about his smart mouth. Let me tell you about all the mistakes I made, he can name them, I can name them and there are others who witnessed them. Knowing that I did the best I could at the time with what I had is all I can be! I wish he didn't have to be there hanging around my abusive, alcoholic, addicted boyfriends, watching his mom screw up. The list goes on. I did make mistakes. I wish I could take them back. I know a few things would be easier on him now. He's not the "perfect son" because he is a lawyer just as a son is not perfect if he is a construction worker, a fireman, a doctor or has made some mistakes and is in jail. You love him just the same. You weren't a perfect parent. I got pregnant at 16 - that doesn't make my parents bad parents, now we can talk about the mistakes they made, my alcoholic father, the rape, the etc etc etc. I like to refer to those mistakes as the human element. Dang it, it's part of life.

Rose 306, I do demand respect, but I also show people respect. Initially I may not get it (respect in return) eventually, I will. It's difficult to maintain over time, until that respect comes, but it will, if you hang in there long enough and keep being respectful.

It matters not the label that I have, but what I do with the situation I'm in....someone just told me that in another post....so I stoled it! It wasn't stated exactly that way - but I got it!

hang in there Mom of 3! I'm okay, you're okay and Rose306, you are too!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 201

mom, you are not bad! and i am not mean and rotten! people say things to us and it sticks like napalm, burning as it eats it's way through us. i just sent a christmas card to my sister who cut me off years ago cause i'm "mental" - her term. told her i loved her, wanted her in my life, forgave her and myself and the choice was her's. if people don't love us enough it is their failing not ours. if they are so shallow as to think the fault is never their's then really who needs that? some family members just don't care - they don't. they prefer ignorance or denial or they deal with their pain apart from you. i think it's one of life's great tragedies that some families just don't get along, one is scapegoated for whatever reason, another is shunned, and the gossip runs thick. i hate it! i think alot of your pain comes from your relationships with your children. what you've put them through, what they've become, how things didn't work out as planned. if not you, me for sure. that is the cause of my greatest pain.....yes, i feel responsible for their happiness, or lack of, their issues and lack of dealing with them. goofy, when you say you demand respect, my husband feels that way, i don't understand it......i don't, and my kids are disrespectful and i take it, it's my fault. mine and their father's. they are paying the price for my illness - and now they have versions of it, too and either act out or avoid. people tell me, too, you're strong you can deal with anything! yeah, right?!@# no i can't. stress blows me away. doctor now says maybe you are bipolar after all - on abilify now - back and forth and round and round we go. wheee!

whatever you did or didn't do you're not bad, you're a victim of brain chemistry and weren't born to dr.spock and his mrs. or whomever the ideal would have been. you didn't marry the right man, you didn't make all the right choices. let's make a deal. i'll forgive myself if you forgive yourself - we're not perfect and tireless and nobody should have thought we were.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 406

Mom of 3,

Goofy has provided you with great advice. Perhaps you can reacquaint yourself with the Session Tools/Worksheets to help you challenge some of our negative thoughts. You also mentioned that you have a good support network at your church, but that you are prohibited to approach them for help. It would be a disobeying to yourself to refuse support that you know will help you through this difficult time...the more support you have the better! Bottling it up will only make it worse...glad that you find this forum a helpful outlet.

Keep us posted on your upcoming counseling session. Hope it goes well!

Karen, Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Mom of 3,

I know you probably know - so just a reminder - don't expect great miracles on the first visit. Hopefully, it will result in some homework and things that you can try. Be sure to mention that you are working a CBT program. Though there are not alot of people trained (it seems) as CBT therapists, most are aware of it and can incorporate what you are doing here, with what you are doing there. A lot of the first session will be about what is going on in your life. Hopefully, laying it all on the table, being honest and forthcoming will help you get through to the next session.

Ah ha, I'm not the only one that perceives that strength! So it must be true!

Mom of 3, we have to quit trying to be all, do all to everyone. My psychiatrist gave me a presciption of "no's". I can get it refilled as often as necessary. If it isn't life threatening, then I can say "no". I don't use them as much as I need to, but I'm getting better at it. If I think about my priorities - ME, then I can say no more often. Because if I don't have ME, then I can't take care of anyone/anything else.

Opinion: Thinking someone is going to understand us, our thoughts, our issues, our intracacies seems to me to be unrealistic. There is no way we can show our insides on the outsides or as the saying goes "walk another mile in someone else's shoes". However, learning to take care of you, knowing yourself, knowing what works for you - takes care of YOU, is much more important than anyone else understanding you.

Sometimes we have to pretend, and when the energy starts to pretend starts to run out - then it's time to stop, look and listen

so that we can regroup and take care of ourselves.

I am picturing you in a plane, on auto pilot, with the skills, knowledge are resources to take over the controls when the turbulance begins.

Hang in there Mom of 3, here for you!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Goofy,

Thank you, but I don't feel strong. I must be stronger than I think because people generally have this opinion of me - if they could only see what's on the inside of me, if they could read my thoughts, I don't think anyone would think that. There's so much of me that is never seen, never gets out of my brain. Sometimes that is a good thing, but other times it is a very sad one because I realize that there is no one, not my husband, not even my parents, who can really know me. I am so bad now that I don't think even I can know me. It is said that no man is an island but if not maybe a woman could be - at best I am a vast unexplored territory then.

Yes, it is a very good sign that I can see someone as early as Monday. I am hoping that the thread I hang by holds until then. For now I must simply try to exist and hope no one notices that I am on autopilot. Hard to expect this because my day consists of taking care of others, I find it harder and harder to reach into myself for that extra something I always tried to give. It just isn't there and my efforts feel like lies to me. I really do hope there is something for me in this counseling thing.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Mom of 3, I am glad that you get to go see your counselor as early as Monday. If it is a sign, it is a good one. Offers, hope and encouragement!

Share when you can.....we'll be here when that happens.

I don't think everything you try is not working, though it may seem that way at times. It's when everything hits at once that we think WE must be doing something wrong and that simply isn't the case.

You are strong, do what you need to do to get through this one moment at a time, an hour at a time, a day at a time.

You will be okay.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hello everyone,

I made my appointment today for the counselor. They actually got me in this coming Monday for my first appointment. I was shocked by that, but extremely grateful. I am hopeful this is a sign that it is what I need and that it will help.

I need someone to tell me what I'm doing wrong because everything I try doesn't seem to work out.

Wildcat, Thank you for your encouragement. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your kind words.

I just want to say that I appreciate all of you here. If it weren't for you all being here and allowing me to vent I don't know where I'd be right now. I'm sorry I can't write more right now. I'd like to be more pointed with my posts but don't want to allow myself to formulate thoughts that may get away from me. After my meeting with the counselor on Monday that may be a moot point because I suspect the dam may burst. Until then I feel like I can't let my guard down. I just want to explain that because I don't want everyone to think I don't want to share it here, I just can't right now.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 456

hi mo3.

wow. I am sorry to hear that you have soo many issues to deal with right now. I know you did not want to find yourself on this particular path, no one does. I will be here when you need a shoulder, and a kind word.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Raloh,

I can't thank you enough for praying for me and having others pray for me also. I know that God always has a plan but I am unable to see it sometimes. As far as seeking counsel from clergy, I had a rather bad experience with that when my first husband and I divorced. My issues were not kept strictly confidential. My husband has forbidden me to discuss anything at the church I had been attending. I can only discuss our issues here, where no one knows me personally or in counseling where there is no personal attachment and everyone will not know our business. This has created a problem for me going to church in that I can tell everyone sees I have a problem (I tend to have problems keeping from crying and avoid questions concerning my family life, so it's pretty obvious that I have an issue) I can tell when I am talking to the people there that they're waiting for me to "open up" and I can't. I haven't gone for awhile because of this. I'm also to the point that I'm afraid I'll break down and say something - disobeying my husband. This is the main reason I have decided to go to a counselor, I am dubious that it will really help, but I need to talk to someone even if it's just me venting.

Goofy, Thank you for your encouragement and your prayers. I value your insight and encouragement and am always glad to hear from you. I know you're going through a rough time yourself and I appreciate that you took time to encourage me. I hope you are doing well.

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I finally have my answer