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I finally have my answer

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 201

mom, i don't blame you at all for being angry. i'm saying i've been there and it's alienating. they stop listening after awhile and you end up screaming or crying yourself blue and for what? help him pack, adios amigo! you don't need a man, you know, not a new one or an old familiar one. you need to find yourself and take care of your son. the rest of it all - put on the back burner. my 2cents, for what's it's worth. take care. i bet this is one of those "issues"

i can relate, it's the codependent in us, with think we need them, but we really don't

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Goofy, Breanne & Rose

Thank you all for writing! Your replies made me feel better and gave me things to think about. Rose you are correct, I am angry and it probably does show but then again what does he expect? If it were turned around wouldn't he be angry and wondering the same? I will try to keep calm but the panic attacks make that very hard. I feel like I'm constantly being kicked in the stomach.

Goofy, he went to look at a place today so he can move out. I know because I asked him last night before I went to bed. He hasn't told me anything more and I don't want to ask tonight. I know it's coming and I am as sad as I can be. I really hope he changes his mind and comes back but every day my hope is harder and harder to keep alive. But I continue on as if there is some.

Breanne, thanks for saying that it wasn't a bad thing to contact the old boyfriend. I've been chastising myself today. He was my first real boyfriend and he is a really nice guy. Still, I'd like to be introducing him to my husband as the love of my life, if only that could be possible some day.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 201

mom, goofy and breanne have summed it up beautifully - i've heard this myself "it's not what you say, it's how you say it" maybe that is what he means by the "enemy" you are angry, it shows up in your voice/mannerisms. be calm. calm as you can be - pick a time to talk to him that right for you....hang in there mom, we're all pulling for some happiness and peace for you.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1693

Mom of 3,

No need to feel pathetic! You should feel proud and good about yourself! It is great to hear that you signed up for facebook and that you have contacted some friends from your past. You obviously made an impact and your high school boyfriend if he decided to message you, how wonderful! You should not feel guilty, you aren't doing anything wrong. Like you said, it's nice to have a little ego boost every now and then

Keep us posted on how things are going, you know we're always here for you.

Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Mom of 3, Glad to hear you made some contacts with old high school friends! I am on facebook too. I haven't tried to contact any of my old high school friends, but connect with family (son, daughter-in-law) and all the young men who called me "mom" when my son was growing up. Of course, they are mostly married with children of their own and it's great to keep in touch that way. Anyway - nothing wrong with writing any friend you had in high school!

Have you asked your husband if he's planning on moving out? You keep getting these feelings - are you jumping to conclusions because of your fear, irrational thoughts? If so, be practical in your approach and let him know that you need to prepare your son, household and finances. Ask him why he feels like you are the enemy and what behaviors you have that give him this idea. Listen to what he has to say and don't refute his answers. Then after he is finished if you have the need to say something, say it. But don't argue about how he feels, sees things. Just tell him how you feel, see things. You've expressed in here that you are feeling afraid, insecure, anxious, angry, sad, frustrated because it appears as if he is moving out, having an affair and not being totally honest with you. I don't know your communication style or how you communicate - it's hard to read tone of voice, etc. into typed words. However, if possible, keep your conversation matter-of-fact, low volume, as calm, cool and collected as you can be - irregardless of what he says.

I can't wait to see how many friends you find on facebook - I'm a bit slow to learn how to use stuff like that - so I haven't even figured out how to search for old high school or college friends! I just connect with people connected to other people. lol There's nothing wrong with writing to your old friend as along as your intentions are platonic (my opinion). Have fun with that I like the "flair" and "bumper stickers" and have a great time with pictures! I also (being the old person that I am) like Neil Diamond and all those youngin's are like "who?" and tease me.....I keep adding his songs to my facebook to keep the aggitation going. lol It is a great diversion for me and fun to see what everyone is up to. Glad to hear you joined!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

I have a feeling that my husband is gearing up to move out. It would be nice if he would just tell me and not be so secretive about it. But then again I should be getting used to this.

He says it feels like I am his enemy - WHAT???? I am unsure how he can say this - I am not the one getting ready to turn our son's life upside down. I'm not trying to get rid of him. Who's the enemy?

I'm so tired of this whole thing, and I'm also in pain from it. I don't know what I'll be like on the other side of this because it is killing me now. I can't even begin to think about how to survive this.

I did one good thing - I signed up for Face Book today and found a lot of people I went to school with. It was fun to make contact with some other people and just say hi. One of the people was my high school boyfriend which I debated on contacting. I finally did and we wrote to each other catching up on family news. I didn't say anything about my marriage situation (he is single) and we only discussed our children. I feel guilty however. I know that if my husband and I were ok I probably wouldn't have contacted him. But, it did make me feel good that he wrote - I needed a little boost to my ego I guess. I just wanted to see if he'd add me as a friend and he did but he wrote me a message also which was really nice and did make me feel good. (I'm feeling pathetic now so I'm signing off)

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Everyone,

Thank you for your posts. I am holding on right now but really don't have alot of hope. There are many issues that my husband and I need to work through to stay together. He swears he's not having an affair and I want to believe him, but I'm not totally sure and am in such a state that I am unsure what to believe. There was a time that I wouldn't have thought twice about believing him but now I don't know. Am I projecting my emotions into the situation? I don't know, it's most likely I am since I am an emotional person. I think I will take Goofy's suggestion and ask for strength, since it may actually be what I need the most right now. I really don't think I am a very strong person in a lot of ways, I doubt myself and believe prayers are actually good for me, but I appreciate it that you all seem to view me as strong. I hope I can live up to that.

I told my husband that I went to the counselor and he seemed impressed by that, then wondered why I hadn't gone earlier. I told him that I didn't want to have to, that I don't want to have this issue and that there was a time that I thought I was managing ok. I admitted that I should have stayed in counseling even when I thought it wasn't helping, maybe at some point it would have. I just wish I had done many things differently, maybe I'd be better by now.

I will take Goofy's advice and try to go back to plan A

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Mom of 3, don't want to sound like a preacher but quit worrying about God's Will and God's time and pray for strength to get through whatever life brings you TODAY. Work it one day at a time. Remember God does answer prayers but not necessarily the outcome we want. That is where His Will comes in and praying for strength helps us deal with unanswered prayers. Remember that song (a country one) Thank God for unanswered prayers. When all of this is said and done, you may be thanking Him for the strength and not the outcome you'd been asking for.

I'm sorry you don't have a good person to go to and be able to verbalize these emotions to them. However, I'm glad you have this resource.

Sounds like your doing a great job with your son. Yes, he is going to pick up on the unsettled emotions and events in the household, but sounds like you are doing your best to minimize the effects. Keep up the good work!

Can you identify why "what thoughts" are causing you to feel panic? STOP and make a plan with him (husband), without him regarding every issue you identify. You were doing okay with the situation in the household until you suspected he was having an affair. You indicated you really don't know this yet but suspect and your mother (who you also said is not very supportive) also she felt like it is true. Don't let your suspicions cloud your original plan of action for dealing with the situation. Don't project emotions into the situation until you have the knowledge. Go back to Plan A. You haven't indicated that your husband has said he's now against the original plan, he is having an affair, or that he wants to be done with the marriage. Are you projecting your fears into the situation? Just wanting you to think about it a bit. I may have missed something.

Hang in there Mom of 3, doing great with the son, identifying that you don't need to be around your mom right now and hear her woes regarding the situation. In fact, you may draw a line or boundary and say mom, I really don't think we should discuss this right now, anymore, just for today. That way you don't have to listen to her stuff, just handle your stuff.

I love the little train.....I think I can I think I can and pray for strength. I prayed, it seemed continually, through dad's illness at the hospital and at home. I did better than I ever imagined I could. I persevered without sleep, forgetting my meds one day, watching the slow decline, trying to reassure him I'd be okay (he was so worried about me and my depression), putting up with my brothers' b***sh**, family sticking their nose in everything, and I believe God gave me that strength and continues to do so today. I took time for my meditation with God everyday (if only for a few minutes). Take time to connect with God and pray for strength! (preacher Goofy shuts up now, but sounds as if we have similar beliefs)

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 201

hey mom, sorry you are feeling so poorly. i kinda thought a while back it may be this. men seem to de-evolve sometimes. i picture my husband even, who is normally so mature, as being a toddler - with one finger up his nose and following his penis around. that's how they are (us, too, sometimes, i'm not generalizing) but ask any man honestly what he's thinking about at any given moment and it's sex of some kind. not your failing - his - he's a married man and he made you promises that he broke. you summed it up perfectly when you said he stated it was over before he told you what's what and gave you a chance. and goofy in her wisdom has pretty much said it all. i don't believe in the christian god, but i do believe there is a creating and binding force. karma is real, what goes around comes around. everybody has probably observed that phenomenon in their lives. time for you to elevate your status to goddess of the lighthouses or empress of the ice or She that needs no name. in other words, screw him! you are your own rock and your own branch. don't wait for jesus to do it for you. you don't need him to anyway. you are stronger than you think (rosie told you this and she would know) and i still see that butterfly coming out of the dark coccoon and finally flying free!!!!! feel the pain feel the panic feel the uncertainty and then when you're through and all cried out and exhausted - let it go.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 85

Hi Mom of 3

Sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time. I know it doesn't help much but I know that feeling of betrayal and how it consumes everything else. When I went through all my disappointments, all I wanted was someone to tell me it would be OK. Although it may feel now like your world is falling apart, it will get better and you will be OK. We are stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Look after yourself and hang in there. Thinking of you.....

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I finally have my answer