EvolutionHealth.care

Home
Main Forum
Depression
Relationships
I finally have my answer

Advanced Search Form

I finally have my answer

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Sarah and Wildcat,

At the moment my son is seemingly doing well. His father hasn't left the house yet so he is still a happy go lucky little guy. Wildcat, we did explain things to him much like your suggestion - he and his friends not getting along, etc. Right now he seems to be doing ok. I have no plans to be vindictive towards his father. My first husband was very vindictive and my daughters suffered. I do not want that for my son, didn't want that for my daughter's either. We are doing what we can to be civil.

I feel that divorce is right around the corner but he keeps saying that it's not. He runs hot and cold around me and I'm so confused! I assume he is too, I've already told him to get some help for his issues. He hasn't said that he has. I'm almost anxious for him to leave so the tension does too. I hate saying that but it's true. I have such an awful feeling about coming home that I'd rather not. I'm looking for a place to move so I can call it my own, but so far no luck, plus my son does not want to move. This is the dilemma I'm stuck in now.

Thanks for letting me vent again.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 456

hi MO3

I really cannot say much about your predicament, sorry.

But! being the child of an U-G-L-Y divorce, Ican say lots about the attitude about both parents and how that affects how we children come through the change. Also, our peer group has a lot to do with the "survival" stratagies we pick up.

My father was abusive and my mother mentally retarded. So their marriage lasted 2 years. My mother and he mother were bitter and hurt. My father was vindictive. I was the revenge-match trophy for 16 years. I grew up in an english area of the city where every one way of Italian-Roman-Catholic decendance. So divorce was still very bad. I was so different

So the help you forsee for your son will be very important. But how you continue this relationship with your ex will be more important. I can tell you that it is useless to pretend that everything is sunshine

and rainbows

. Be honest.

**We have troubles, like when you and your friends play. Littles have little problems that are easires to resolve and the adults have bigger problems. We even tried to get help and it did not work. So now, because we do not want to hurt each other and we do not want to hurt you we need a big time in the corner, a punishment.**

or something like that

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 955

Mom of 3, It is good to hear you are finding the support useful. Transitions such as these can be very hard for children. As you mentioned in your post, children may not always be able to express their emotions but encouraging conversations between you and him about his feelings and being supportive will help in making these transition easier on him. It is also good to hear that you are researching options for him that are connected to your counselling service. Counselling agencies often offer groups or support programs for children going through life transitions like seperation or divorce of their parents. If the children's program does not offer these groups, perhaps your counsellor may also know of other resources in your area that could assist him? Stay strong Mom of 3 and post whenever you are ready to, we will always be here for you!

Sarah, Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Sarah and Rose,

I appreciate the support I get here. Thank goodness I'm taking the Abilify!! We told my son today that his dad would be moving out. He cried of course and said he didn't want us to split up. His dad did most of the talking as I felt he should. I helped out where I could. My son seems to be doing well right now but he is like me and will swallow most of it. I fear whatever damage there is will be deep inside him. He was really big about it but I think it was for us and not for him. We'll see how it goes but I know the counseling service I go to has a children's program. I will be talking to my counselor to see what she suggests.

He just told me he has a headache which tells me all I need to know.

If it wasn't for the Abilify I'd be reduced to nothingness right now, but I'm hanging in there. There's more to write but I really don't feel like it right now.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 201

hey mom, you are more than welcome! yes, it felt like i was dragging you back in. at times, i wished i coulda reached thru my monitor and grab you. did you see godfather 3? the big punchline was "just when i thought i was out, they drag me back in" LOL goofy, god, you come up with gems sometimes: "I never said a negative word about him, and they developed their own relationship....it didn't take away from mine". wow! i didn't feel that way and trouble (big) ensued! you are smart as hell.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 955

Mom of 3, It is clear from your post that you seem very motivated to make things work. This is admirable quality. It is also so good to hear that you are asking for help, and getting what you deserve. Although this may be a difficult process for you to go through, remember that we are here for you whenever you need us!

Sarah, Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Goofy and thank you for the encouragement. I don't really know where I'll end up in all this but I realize that I need to sort some things out about me. Perhaps I was ill equipped to deal with things after my first divorce and that's sad because I really am in love with my husband. However every day brings about a new hurt or a slap in my face. He is making a big mistake in not working on things now, but I said I'd do whatever it takes to make things better and the separation may just be the thing that it takes. I don't know but it makes me sad that I am in this situation. However, now that I can think a little clearer I realize that God is actually being gracious in all this and even with my hardheadedness he is able to work things out. I'm finally to the point of asking for help and getting it - that's a progress right there.

Thanks Goofy, you're a big help to me. You and Rose didn't give up on me even when I wanted to. You are true friends. Thank you.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Mom of 3, I am glad to be able to reciprocate the support.

I'm glad your parents are willing to help and that you've set those boundaries in terms of what you can/cannot handle with your son and you in terms of conversation. I hope you continue to do that as you need to, it sounds as if they are very supportive and that you can draw those boundaries if/when needed. The boundaries plus the support are a great asset!

I'm glad you are getting to see your counselor once a week, I know that this helps me to keep things from building up. I hope it offers you that same comfort.

I ended a relationship about 4 years ago...I've discussed in other posts. I, too, decided it was time to get to know me, spend some time with me and start learning to like me and be appreciative for the things I have in my life that are good. I know that things are quite a bit different as I ended the relationship, but my point is, that I'm glad that you plan to take that time for you! If things don't go as you hope, this is an excellent component of plan B, in my opinion. I know it's definitely helped me. The hardest part is the occasionally loneliness (lack of hugs primarily) but hey, I call a friend, go to my son or other relative and I'm not so lonely anymore. I think I've gotten used to being alone and probably like it way to much. I also have a hard time with the trust issue (my picker and others having my heart) but I'm working on that. If I'll be ready one day?????I'm thinking just like you - I'll worry about that when the time comes.

As far as a single parent....except for 5 years, I was a single parent and I personally think, looking back, it was awesome! My son are, I think closer, as a result of that! We had a song as corny as that may be "Wind Beneath My Wings". I know it wasn't written in that context, but hey we were the wind beneath each others wings. His father was remotely involved in his life, I never said a negative word about him, and they developed their own relationship....it didn't take away from mine. If I had it to do over again, after my divorce from his father(which I'd have preferred to remain married), I'd do it the same way except leave off the 5 year marriage in the middle! Again, I hope it doesn't come to that Mom of 3, just want you to know, there is hope if it does!

I see more strength come shining through! Hope to hear from you again soon!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Rose! I am liking the Abilify, that's for sure. I no longer have that kicked in the stomach feeling I've had for so long. And I can process a bit better now. I still need to fine tune that thinking and that's where I'm hoping the counselor helps. I'll ask her about a support group for codependents that I can join. And no, I'm not looking for a relationship if this one fails. I can't say for sure in the long run, but right now I realize that my trust base is gone. Until I have a me, I don't think I can be part of a we. I do get what you're saying. Part of my panic involves thinking I can't go it alone. I am not sure that I want to either, but aside from being with my husband there's no one else I'd want to be with. Would that change in time? I guess, but I'm unsure there's anyone out there I'd trust with my heart again. I just need to get better and learn to take care of me, let the other chips fall where they may.

Thank you for talking to me, you have helped me also over these past months. I'm glad you are here.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 201

mom - you are taking abilify? me too! i think i love it.......what about you? like you said it really clears up your thinking. wow!!! you'll be fine. my 2 cents: codependent anon. support group. if.....and it's still an if.......he goes then please don't bounce into another relationship right away, that's what we do, because we think we can't do it on our own. you can! dammit and so can i. also, one point your lawyer hopefully is aware of, you are entitled to 1/2 his pension, be it 401k or whatever. i agree with you, divorce is a disgusting process and nobody wins really. the kids lose, that's for sure. i am praying for you (in my own convoluted way) ...... you've helped me out alot these past few months, really appreciate it

Reading this thread:

today's top discussions:

This Month’s Leaders:

Most Supportive

Most Active

Most Loved

I finally have my answer