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Posts created by Cori J

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 30

having a hard time

Hey everybody. I’ve just been lurking in the background for a while, getting lost in my thoughts and all the crap going on. I’ve been having a hard time dealing with a lot of stuff here. I haven’t had a panic attack in about two weeks now. Yay! But the stress seems overwhelming sometimes. My doctor is trying to find a counselor for me to talk to.

I’ve been fighting with my boss trying to get my hours back. The manager at my job decided (without ever talking to me) that I had an attitude problem, and chopped my hours in half. And since finances are a lot of my stress, this skyrocketed. I finally had to explain to them both everything that I’m dealing with, and that it’s not work I have a problem with – it’s life in general!

As well as all that crap, my bf and I have been dealing with a custody case for his son. This has been going on for over a year now, and it’s been really stressful and it hurts a lot too. Now pile on all the stress working for my brother, and you have one mess of a person.

My bf doesn’t quite understand what I’m feeling either. He’s getting frustrated and telling me it’s all in my head, I’m a hypochondriac, and I just want attention. He says he’s never seen anybody with so many problems. That cuts me deep; I need his support now more than ever!

I’ve decided to stir the s**t pot and I wrote my brother a letter. I haven’t sent it yet, but I told him basically I’m not hiding behind secrets and pretend lives anymore. I need to move on, and he needs to know where I stand. I’ve left the door open to him to reconcile if he wants. He’s family whether I like it or not. And I want peace. I’ve also told him not to come to my workplace. I can’t handle it. It’s too hard to try and be happy and deal with customers when I want to throw up and spaz out.

I also got my bf to read the letter I wrote to my brother, so he understands a bit more of my past, and why my head is so messed up. Some days I just want to hide in a hole and never come out. Too bad real life gets in the way of that. Anyways, that’s my vent for the day. Thanks for listening.

~Corinna

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 30

having a hard time

thanks davit. I do have a lot of anger. However, I am learning to place it where it is due. I've already spent too many years consumed by it, and turning it towards myself. After hearing my mom always blaming me, I started to believe it, and I hated myself for it. I hated myself for letting it happen, and I hated myself for believing her. I grew up in a "good christian family" where you don't be angry or hold a grudge. you just blindly forgive no matter what. It's taken me a long time to accept that it's okay to be angry. I've always had to be the responsible one, the grown-up one, the one who holds it all together. So what do I do when I need to be held together? Where do I go?

I'm glad I found this site at least. I am thankful for your support and words of wisdom. Don't worry too much about offending me. You can never upset me as much as other people have.

As for the physical release, when I have the energy, I take my bike out, and I climb hills. Up and down, up and down. Lots of times though, I'm too tired from work, or I just feel drained and I can't get out.

I know the custody case is hard on me, but it's my family. I've been living with my bf (I'll call him R) for 3 years now. R and his son are more family to me than my family was.

I've noticed what sets me off the worst. It's when something happens that is totally wrong. When somebody does something so hurtful it goes against everything I feel and believe - the injustice. I know I can't fix it all, but I've always been a caring nurturing person, and I just want to make the hurt go away. for example, R's son's mother died about 5 years ago. He went to court against her sister (son's aunty) for custody and won. Now she's taken us back to court 5 years later saying we are unfit parents and we aren't looking after his needs. Nothing could be further from the truth. We love him and take care of him.

anyways, I need to go find something positive to do. I feel like I'm drowning in tears. Thanks for listening. (reading?)

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 30

having a hard time

yes. I am learning to be angry instead of hate. Hate consumes. I've been there and it was a hard hole to get out of. It was so bad at one point I couldn't even look in a mirror I hated me that much. One look at me and all the rage and self-loathing and bitter hate would come up and I'd want to smash the thing. and I'm not a violent person either. I am learning to accept the crappy stuff in my life, and I'm learning to actually love parts of me. I still have my days, I still hear the self-destructive voice sometimes, but I know what it sounds like now, and it's a little easier to tell it to go away.

I have been keeping a journal a bit. mostly on the bad days. I call it the "Journal of Things I Can't Say". I write down all the things I feel, but can't tell anyone about. Everyone I know has this image of who they think I am, and they can't see me any different. Very few people in my life know about my past. I can count those people on one hand. My mother would have a fit if she knew I was on here telling people 'secrets'. lol. But it's not her life anymore. It's mine and I'm taking charge of it. She'd probably still tell me not to go to counseling.

Those are two of my baby bunnies. My doe had a litter of six. They are the most precious things I have ever seen. I joke that they are my therapy. It shows me there is something good and beautiful in the world still. Some unspoiled innocence. Precious life. I held those babies when they were an hour old, and they fit in the palm of my hand. And I've held them every day for 7 weeks. Four of them are off to their new homes now, and I just have two left. Some days when I was feeling bad, I'd take them outside to play on the deck. They are so goofy and spastic, running around in laps, then turning on a dime to race around the other direction. Or they jump two feet high in the air, just for the heck of it. My cat likes to sit out and watch them with me. (I've taught him to be nice) He's fascinated by them too. No matter how bad I am feeling, they can always make me laugh. I open the cage up every morning, stick my face in and say "where's my babies?" and they would all come running over to bump noses with me. soooo cute.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 30

Your top 3 - New Things to Try

1. I'm taking my first Royal Conservitory piano exam in June.

2. I want to take a self-defense class. not sure which discipline yet.

3. I also want to do some more schooling so I can get a decent job, not just a gas station for the rest of my life.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 30

having a hard time

aww. You guys are awesome. I wish you lived around me. I need friends like you guys.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 30

I'm doing it.

well my bf was running some errands with a friend, and they stopped at the womens' center. He talked to the lady there for me and got some information. She said they do free counseling there, so being broke, that works for me. I think I get a day off mid-week, probably wed, or thurs, so I'll try to go then. I know it'll help, but I'm scared to death talking about "the big secret". I still hear my mom's voice in my head saying not to tell. I just want to be free!

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 30

I didn't do it.

...but I had a valid excuse. I ended up having to work today, so there was no time for a trip into town. The girl who usually opens the store is out sick for the week so I'm picking up a few extra hours. Every little bit counts. I don't get home until noon though, and the counselor is only there until one o'clock. I have three days off next week so I'll have plenty of chances to get in there. I do still want to go.

~Corinna

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 30

I'm doing it.

well I went to the women's center today and talked to a lady there. she was quite helpful and understanding. She said that place is more of a drop-in thing, but she gave me a couple of phone numbers where they can help me. I've had enough of that for this week, but I'll give them a call next week on my days off.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 30

Your top 3 - Good Deeds

I can't really think of 3 specific things. I try to make people's days a little brighter whenever I can. for example on a miserable day if I see a customer in the store absolutely soaked and freezing I tell them to help themselves to a hot coffee. I know it's a small gesture, but most people can't be bothered to bother. I spend a lot of time outdoors in the weather, so I appreciate warming up. Or I'll take a few minutes out of my day to chat with the nice old folks that come to the store. Most of them are in there every day. I am their social life. I find I really enjoy their stories. They have a lot to tell.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 30

I'm doing it.

well my reward is going camping this weekend! a couple friends are visiting from out of town, we're bringing a couple of canoes with us, and we're going to find some quiet lake where we won't be bothered. it should give me plenty of alone time to think and sort out the crazy thoughts in my head. time in nature is always healing time for me too. it's where i feel most at peace.

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