Learning to FEEL loved
Hi... I was here a few years ago when I went through a bad patch and it helped immensely. I am fortunate enough to say that serious depression is not a fact of daily life for me now. And I mention that because one line of discussion I remember from these forums was whether once you had depression, you had to expect to relapse constantly. For me that smacked of "negative thinking" and I heartily challenged it at the time, and I plan on living up to it.
However, saying that isn't intended to diminish the struggle it takes to get depression-free, or to make anyone else's experience of persistent depression seem worse because it's been so resistant. But I do want to insist that we can make it out and stay out. That said, it takes vigilance and I practice that every day. But so far so good.
That's the good news, here's the other good news. I keep working on things that I identified through this process. I haven't fixed them all, not by a long shot, but I know I can create change so I keep plugging away. And this is where I would like to ask for some help, from the people I found helped so much before.
Right now my concern is with learning how to FEEL loved. I stress the "feel" part because I have come to realise that plenty of people around me do actually love me. They act that way, they say it, the seem to enjoy my company and like me, etc. All good. But I realised the other day that I still go around in a bit of a bubble where I can see the loving stuff but it bounces off my psyche like I have some kind of forcefield around it. I am perpetually puzzled and surprised by expressions of affection towards me. And I realise that I also remain deeply lonely (not the same as depression, but still, a red flag). So isn't this odd? I can now (thanks to help) see there is loving around me. But it's not getting through to me somehow, so I still feel isolated, that loving stuff isn't causing the kind of self-esteem healing etc. that you would expect it should.
I know it's an oddball problem but it feels like I have got stuck halfway out the door. Does anyone have any suggestions or exercises or things I could try to shift this process forward? I hope this explains my situation enough (let me know if I can explain more/better) and I hope it doesn't sound too self-serving, but I know that growing out of depression means developing new skills and I realise this is one I had better work on.
Many thanks...
LBN
