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13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

This is INSANE!

Thanks for the tips.

Yes, I do see a slight difference in my mood with Vitamin B. One particular formula from Swiss worked really well, but they stopped carrying it about 20 years ago. I have another brands but I don't really notice any help. Swiss must have had just the right blends of herbs included. I tried contacting them several years back for an ingredient list but they claim to no longer have access to the formula. I have seen many many psychiatrists, counsellors, therapists, social workers, psychologists, general practitioners, naturopaths, herbalogists etc. over the last 40 years and some have suggested PMDD but were not able to "cure" my depression. I now live in rural Quebec so getting access to any medical services at this point is not going to happen, but I have tried so much and have lost faith so I am not too distraught about it. I did put my name on the waiting list, but I am not a priority. They won't give me a date but my son has been on the list to see an allergist for 8 years so far so I am not expecting a call in the next few years anyway. I'm on my own until then. Last year I did get access to a student psychiatrist but she only gave me more frustration!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

This is INSANE!

I wish my depression was THAT cyclical. At least I could plan my schedule around it! But no, it often occurs approximately 10 days before my period, but can occur at any time. If I am pregnant I am almost depression-free. But as I will never be preg again, that will not be a "cure" for me...LOL.

Depression for me starts out hardly noticeable. I am a bit jumpy, less energetic and have been told my eyes look different...like psycho scary! Then I crave carbs and stimulants..sugar....cookies...tea...chocolate which I often succumb to. Then I get irritable. Then short tempered. Then fidgety. After 3 days since the start of changes I explode. I scream in agony, run around in circles, smash my head against the wall....just lose total control until I hit my head so hard I pass out or I run out of cortisol (or whatever chemical is giving me that kind of strenght) and collapse in a heap. At this point I spend a few hours in a catatonic state and a few days so drained that I can barely walk and think. It is during these days of intense fatigue after a collapse that I get negative thoughts. And week long cycle repeats a couple of times a month. I never really get "happy" before I start going down again.

A somewhat healthy lifestyle doesn't seem to change anything. I have tried elimination diets looking for allergies. I am been vegan, vegetarian, and raw foodist. Currently I eat very little dairy and meat. Mostly fresh fruits and vegetables with beans, nuts, seeds and eggs for protein. I exercise 5 times a week with karate, swimming and weightlifting. I go to sleep at 10 pm and am up at 6 am. I keep a very regular schedule. If my kids wake me up at night, I can almost not function the next day. I play music in the car and kid's play music on the computer at home. I also take multi vitamins, flax oil, protein supplements, St John's Wort and occasionally herbs depending on my issue at the time (echinacea for immune, valerian for sleep, etc.).

I have had the "full work up" done at the doctor's several times and the doctor always says "normal range". However, I did talk to some naturopaths that say the doctors don't look at individual stats just averages so I could be low for me but within the average range. I have been told by doctors that my hemoglobin is fine but am constantly refused at blood donor clinics because my iron/hemoglobin is below what they accept. One of my former midwives said that my hemoglobin (then and from previous records) is borderline even though I supplement with iron. But other than borderline hemoglobin I always turn out COMPLETELY HEALTHY. I am a perfect weight for my height and age (140 lbs 5'7" 43 years old) so I don't need to worry...there is nothing wrong with me...have a nice life....LOL Naturopaths claim that my liver works too hard and I have exhausted adrenals but the real doctors check it and say all that is fine.

So maybe just my thoughts are sick and my body is fine. So I try CBT. But I have more positive thoughts than negative until I start to crash. I only get negative thoughts when I don't feel well and I was doing good stuff before I started to feel badly. I don't seem to have "trigger" events...depression just seems to come no matter what is going on in my life. I could win 5 contests in the same week (and only entered 8), and get someone to give me free groceries when my paycheque bounces, and have time to watch a movie, play a game, relax a bit...and then POOF...I'm depressed.

I'm stumped....

I can't figure out why I am depressed or how to get rid of it...

I am almost done this program and still have no relief.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

This is INSANE!

Funny that you say I think in "black and white " terms. My son did a personality test to find which career to pick and I tried it to. My personality turned out to be ESTJ...an analytical, concrete and judgemental type....LOL....the type that sees things in black and white!

There is a huge waiting list for physicians in my area but there is a way to bypass it. I could win the lottery and pay for a physician in the US or I could try to kill myself and get bumped to the top of the list (which still could be a wait as the list is so long!). As I have gone to a TON of doctors already and some, including the last one, just make things worse, I am in no rush to see another and not willing to go to any extremes to get higher on the list.

Not really sure what to do next. I think I got one Session left in the program and then there are auxiliary sessions too so I will continue with that and see if it helps. I will finish reading the book Undoing Depression and start reading The Intuitive Way thinking it might help me with mindfulness and being a little less rigid and concrete. Then someone on here mentioned Attachment Theory so I will investigate that as well. I will see how I feel at that point.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

This is INSANE!

Sounds good mediummoodswing. I will check into that book also. I definitely hit 3 bouts of depression....lol...about 40 years ago....lol

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

Re-Introducing...

I was here about a year ago. I hoped to be done with depression. This program was my last hope. I didn't succeed. I am more aware now more than ever of how my depression has affected others and I can't handle the guilt. I can't stand hurting them anymore but if I were gone they would be sad. It's a no win. I don't know what to do next. The more I study myself in order to get better, the more I hate myself and I get worse.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

Just Cheer up!

If anyone else tells me that all I need to do is decide to be happy and see the positive things instead of just the negative I am going to hit something!!!!!

Don't they understand that I KNOW I'm negative but I can't control it? They act like I can just turn it off with a smile. I've lost all respect from everyone. I look like a spoiled brat that cries every time she doesn't get her own way. Whether I get my own way or not, I'm still crying! I just cry all the time and it has nothing to do with how good or bad my life is.

Why doesn't anyone see this as an illness? They assume I am just not a nice person and treat me accordingly. I want this horrible feeling to go away. I can't take anymore.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

No Triggers?

I don't understand. When good things happen it should send me on a positive spiral and when something bad happens it could send me on a negative spiral. However, often when good things are happening I am still going down a negative spiral. Then one day something bad will happen and I deal with it just fine, no negativity at all. I find that it is most likely for me to be crying incessantly on Day 18-26 of my menstrual cycle but it is not a guarantee. Why do my moods seem to have NOTHING to do with my actual life. I could be feeling great, recording my thoughts, understanding myself and then one day I feel like I am dying, I can't sleep, I start snapping at people that do as little as just asking me a question. It feels so useless. What I do seems to have no relationship to what I feel. What the heck is going on!?!?

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

All work and no pay makes Jill a whiny baby

My husband and I have our own small company. Two months ago he was hit by another loaded tractor trailer and hasn't worked since. Our equipment was destroyed in the accident and we are still awaiting judgement from the insurance company so we can repair our vehicle. Even when the vehicle is repaired I am not sure my husband will be able to handle the 13 hours a day, 6 days a week of work that includes heavy lifting. He has damage to his spine, left elbow and knees. I do not know when he can go back to work. I work for his company and although he is not bringing in any revenue, the office still operates and I still have work to do. Plus I have all the accident paperwork and recording keeping. But without revenue neither of us get paid. I am tired and discouraged. I can't keep up with the bills and he is in pain, angry and always insulting me. I am finding it difficult to keep going. It seems so futile to work so hard but receive nothing. I might have been able to handle it if he wasn't attacking me constantly. He yells that I should be supporting him at a time like this, and I am trying to hard to bring ice packs, bring medication, help with things, and keep doing my job, the house and home-schooling our 5 kids. I want to whine to someone but I don't want to bring everyone else around me down....

Anyone wanna hear me whine?

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

My limit

I have been married for almost 20 years. I have been depressed for about 25 years. My husband is tired of me always being 'messed up'. He feels that if I haven't recovered in 20 years I will never recover. I am trying so hard to improve my life so I can face each day but for the last few years he has become increasingly bitter and angry. 2 months ago he was injured in an accident and now he has physical pain and can't work. The stress of no money, physical pain and daily life in the same building as me has made him very nasty. He never misses a day to call me something negative. I am having a really hard time to keep out of negative spirals and to focus on the good things when I am being cut down to size every few hours. I don't know what to do to help myself. I am at my limit....

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

All work and no pay makes Jill a whiny baby

Yes, I have considered all sorts of other employment options. I haven't pushed getting a second job too much yet as I can barely handle all the work I do now and I would break if I added more to it. But if we find that my husband's injuries are going to take a very long time to heal then I will have to find someway of putting the company 'on hold' or closing it altogether without having to give up my house and then I could be free to take on an entirely new job. But more than likely if the business closes at this point it would take my house with it. (the business as gone in debt and I used my house to secure the debt)

Writing a letter to my husband? Been there done that...and it ends the same way our discussions end....not good.

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