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13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

Discouraged

I feel so discouraged right now. I have recently started this program. I did the Goals. I am eating pretty well...better than most I would think. That is, I eat mostly vegetarian foods, organic, homegrown and homemade, very little dairy, lots of seeds, raw vegetables and fruits. I try to exercise 5 days a week for at least an hour. 2 of those sessions are at karate class with my kids. Otherwise I walk, swim, stationary bike, stretches and weights etc. I did the Pleasant Activities and took time to watch movies, a TV show, daily reading etc. But I found that my mood did not change after the pleasant activity. It always stays the same. Now I am keeping a Thought Record. And I find that my mood changes for no apparent reason. Example: today. At 10 am I was feeling great. I sent emails with smileys on them, was laughing and giggling. Then at noon when a friend called, I just didn't feel like talking to her. And my emails started to irritate me. My kids started to annoy me (they were not doing anything different, I just now found them annoying). By 12:15 I found that my brow was furrowed and I was frowning/glaring. My mood changed in a matter of minutes but I had not done anything different. I expected to be enlightened and find the secrets that trigger my negative moods but instead I feel hopeless. If the outside word has nothing to do with my depression and nothing I change changes anything for me, then is there any hope that I can ever eliminate depression?

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

Falling

Good to hear you got the job! I hope this upturn in events helps pull you out of the downward spiral!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

Discouraged

I saw my first psychiatrist at age 7. I have since seen other psychiatrists, psychologists and social workers. The diagnosis is always different. The first one told my parents that I just wasn't getting enough affection. Not sure what the second one said (I was so young) but after awhile I was not required to see him anymore so I figure he thought I was "cured". Some called it severe clinic depression, some just PMS, one said I was having panic attacks and several said that I was just having reactions to stress. I was given a multitude of drugs to try and every one of them made me worse. Even counselling just made me frustrated!

As I am in rural Canada now, it is not like I get a lot of choice of who I get to see as a doctor. The waiting lists are years and years long. The last doctor I was able to see (about 2 years ago) told me I was just having panic attacks and not to worry about it. Big help. I was able to get access to a psychologist-in-training this past spring. My visits with her were so frustrating. She was so young and idealistic that I felt she could not understand a word I said. I had a newborn baby that went with me everywhere (I was breastfeeding) and she asked me to leave the baby at home and give myself some "me" time. The stress of leaving my newborn behind was unbearable so needless to say I started missing a lot of meetings and then her school time ended and so did my access. I am currently on a waiting list but I don't expect to get in to see anyone for a very long time.

So....this website is about my only hope....

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

Discouraged

What do "I" feel is the cause of my mood issues? Hmmm.. I don't really know, hence the frustration, but nowadays I am thinking I was just born defective. I was always described as a "sad" little girl yet there was nothing wrong with my life. My grandmother was the same; always unhappy even though life was ok. However, I hope differently. I keep hoping it is something simple...like too much indoor air...and as soon as I make a change, I will be cured!

I have started using this website but I am only as far as tracking my thoughts. I am really hoping as I go through the program the "cure" will come. So far I am discouraged as there does not seem to be any connection between the outside world and my depression. Nothing "sad" triggers it. It just "happens". I have not really learned anything new about myself or my depression other than it seems to have a mind of its own.

I am quite proud of myself for surviving this long. A depressive episode is brutal and it is amazing I get so much accomplished despite the frequency of attacks. I am on my own 132 hours a week (out of 168 hours a week) with my 5 children. I work from home so I watch my kids while I work which many people can't do. It is hard enough to just to have a job! Also, I teach my children myself. They do not go to school (well, one does...starting last month). Teaching takes many hours a week. In addition to that I have a small farm/large garden for our food, cook from scratch, and exercise daily. So yes, I am very proud of myself. I should feel great. But I am proud...and depressed. It makes no sense.

I would not consider travelling to see a medical doctor. I have absolutely NO faith in them anymore. I am on a waiting list but I am really not eager to see another doctor. I would LOVE to see a highly acclaimed specialist in natural medicine. However, I have no cash whatsoever. We have not drawn paycheques since June so I don't really have money to pay my current bills and no chance to pay a specialist. The first specialist I will invest in is a chiropractor. My back is damaged and I have excruciating back pain. My spine needs to be popped back into place but I have been waiting for a paycheque so I can go see the chiropractor. Hopefully I will have an appointment by November. He costs less than $100. A specialist in natural medicine would be a minimum of $1000 but probably much more. So it is not about finding the right health professional, but more about affording the right one. I was not always in rural Canada, and did see many medical doctors before and I have had enough of them.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

Pleasant Activities not what I expected

Like the nickname, eh? I was very depressed when I chose it and wanted to feel bright and sunny so was telling myself it was a brightsunnyday!

Yes, it is good to be out in the country where the air is cleaner and nature is close....I think. Having said that, I find that I have gotten WORSE since I moved from the city. Maybe just age....maybe something else...maybe the country air is keeping me from getting worse faster....maybe the country air is bad for me? I do have respiratory allergies....I am allergic to several weeds, trees, dust, dander...so....I dunno....

If I knew at least WHY I am depressed I could be focused on curing it.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

Discouraged

The bad experiences with physicians is not really "recent". It went on for DECADES so it is not that I made a hasty decision to not feel hopeful. I am not sure I understand the question : "is this a "no" if you get a referral". I am on the waiting list, and will accept an appointment when I get in. Although my experience has been bad, I still keep going back! In fact, I saw the last psychiatrist (to-be) as recently as 6 months ago. She was still a student and my time with her ended when her studies ended. I keep trying just in case the next one is helpful.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

Thought Record

BACKGROUND:

I was feeling better than I have in awhile. I had rated my depression at 20 when I awoke this morning. I laid in bed thinking about my life and my husband. He was upset over the weekend. One of his clients had blamed him for an altercation with one of their clients. The person he argued with eventually got fired. My husband went back to his client that blamed him and basically said "see, it wasn't my fault. The guy was causing problems with everyone and got fired". Anyway, to shorten the story his client continued to blame him. She made him feel like he was an trouble-making idiot and he felt disrespected. So instead of coming home for the weekend, he decided to go hang out in a bar. Eventually (about 20 hours later) he did come home for a few hours but mentioned to me that he didn't want to come home because I don't respect him and the kids don't respect him (because I don't train them to respect him) and he didn't want to be around us. Two days later, while contemplating my own inner thoughts I come up with the idea that I am experiencing distortions. My family makes me feel like a failure, when in reality I am more successful than most of my friends. I accomplish so much despite things working against me. I succeed way more than I fail. I concluded that my feelings as a failure were not reality but distortions of my own mind. And that if I accepted the reality of my successes myself I would be less afraid of my family and their criticisms of my failures. I then saw that this same principle applied to my husband's weekend experience. Reality was that he is an amazing guy. He is a respectable person...President of his company, father of 5, owns a home etc etc...and he may feel disrespected and unloved by others because he may not respect and love himself. So, all happy and excited, I decide to tell him my revelation thinking that it will help him feel better.

THOUGHT RECORD:

Today, Oct 25, 10:30 am

-talk to husband on phone to tell him about my revelation/introspection thinking it might apply to him also and it could help him

-I rated my depression before the call at 20

-I tell him that I was contemplating

-he is tired of me contemplating as I never get anywhere

-I tell him my contemplation brought me to an idea I thought might apply to him also

-I explain my thoughts

-he gets angry

-he calls me a loser

-says that I was depressed before he met me and that he's been telling me it's all in my own head and I just never F*ing listen

-he doesn't need any of my help, there is nothing wrong with how he thinks

-he is just reacting to the crap that I dish out

-if he goes to the bar and gets drunk it is because I make him feel like sh*t and that is the only way he can deal with the pathetic life he has because he is trapped with me

-I am bawling like crazy

-I rate my depression at 70

-Futitlity 100, Disappointment 90, Frustration 50, Sadness 60

Distortions:

Catastrophizing and Emotional Reasoning

I want to be 20 again. But I am afraid now. I am afraid I will spiral down. In fact, I already grabbed a chocolate bar, knowing that sugar affects me negatively.

I don't know what to do with this Thought.....

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

Thought Record

I'm just starting the Challenging Negative Thoughts section of this program, but I have spent the last 35 years trying out different drugs, therapies and techniques to try to cure my depression.

Yes, I have a journal. So not only did I use the Thought Record sheet to record it, I also have it written in my "diary". I record everything...what I ate, how I felt, what I did etc. And then I also posted my Thought Record online to see what other people thought I should do next. Overkill? Maybe...but I am desperate....

This would be a great time to turn to supportive people....lol...know any?

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

Discouraged

I do lots of things in desperation to feel better...but nothing has been effective yet....

hopefully this program will be effective....

Lack of control....hmmm...I do feel helpless, futile....I do things....it changes nothing....so yes, I do feel a lack of control contributes to my depression. Although I don't feel it is the cause of my depression as I have been this way my entire life and doubt I had stress issues or feelings of futility at age 3!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

Who are you?

I was thinking about how depressing I sound in my posts and began to wonder how I was affecting those that read them. Am I upsetting them? Hurting their feelings? I have been open about my feelings in desperation to help myself but have not considered how my posts are affecting other people here. I assumed that the "health educators" are these highly educated professionals that will not be affected whatsoever by anything I say. But then again, I never asked. After all, this site is free. These people are probably volunteers. Why would they volunteer? Maybe because they have been in my shoes and want to help someone else save themselves? In that case, they were once depressed also. And no one ever really "forgets" that. So....now I am worried that my negative attitude and snappy remarks might be upsetting to the wonderful people trying to help me...

Who are you? Why are you here? Why is this site free? How do you find the time? What else do you do? Do you have families? Other jobs? Hobbies?

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