You find that too? That your depression alleviates...sometimes even to go back to normal when the bleeding starts?
It's so frustrating. I exercise almost daily, eat mostly organic fruits, seeds and vegetables and rarely any meat nor dairy. I go to bed at basically the same time every night (Although sick kids are keeping me up the last 2 weeks) and hardly ever watch TV and certainly not in my room. I think I am doing everything right....yet...even when my life seems great....bam....down I go....only to be relieved when the bleeding comes...
I have been trying so hard to beat depression. Lately I had hope that it was within my power to be well. I have been very mindful of my feelings and kept a Mood Journal noticing any events that might trigger a depressive episode. 2011 was finally going to be my year! As the best description of my "episode" is the same as someone who might be stressed and creating high levels of cortisol to cope until they collapse. The few days of catatonic state are enough to "rest" and start over. So I have been avoiding stress at all cost. Exercising, eating well, got more credit from the bank so I don't need to stress over our lack of income right now, hubby has been home and has helped with the kids, I took some time to relax, enjoy a movie, got lots of rest, been more assertive, spent time with friends etc etc. I was watching my moods carefully, noticing any changes...and all was well when I went to bed last night. I was very tired but I felt "happy". When I woke up this morning I could barely drag myself out of bed. I was so drained I cancelled my work and activities to rest. So I have been resting and then I start crying...WTF....crying? But I am not sad! I start feeling irritable. When I can't get something to function I feel frustrated....but not normal frustration....I am short-tempered, annoyed with my daughter's hugs...I just want to be left alone. I am depressed. Why? I wasn't stressed but my body seems to be reacting as if I have been stressed. Other than physical discomfort (I have a bad back, sinus pain, sore jaw and periodic abdominal pains) there has been NOTHING to stress me at all...and it's not like I "missed" it...I was paying close attention to everything I felt! I feel so hopeless. How can I do everything right and yet still get an attack of depression! I can't keep living like this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I do feel a bit better today....at least not crying....but really ...hmmm...withdrawn. I don't really want to do anything....just lay around and read or something...anything that is solitary! Sure, I know it will pass; my depression always does. I'm just tired of it coming back! And I can't figure out WHY. Nothing "bad" has every happened to me. I don't have any deep childhood trauma or premature death in the family. In fact, I poop out lucky stars! When money gets low I FIND money on the ground, or someone gives me what I need, or I win a contest. Maybe that is why I must suffer....to balance out all the good luck I have :( ? I really want to eliminate the depression but I can't seem to figure out what is causing it. It comes randomly, yet everyone tells me there must be a trigger. I can't find a trigger. I could be in the middle of the happiest day of my life and just start getting irritable and more drained until I crash in a fit of rage. WTF?
It's not like I feel back to square one. I just feel hopeless that there can be an end when I have spent so long and done so much to "cure" myself and nothing has worked (medication, counselling, herbs and vitamins, naturopathy, hormones, CBT, mindfulness, yoga, working out, different diets etc.). The depression comes no matter what I do. It is like I was BORN this way!
I have another bout of depression. It seemed to be triggered by nothing (except being 10 days before my period as often my bouts are). So I have been studying my old Thought Records and analysing them for meaning and insight into my Core Beliefs and see a trend that seems to show that I don't like humanity, including myself. So I look back into my childhood to find what could have made me hate the world and I see that I have been uncomfortable with humans since birth. My mother claims that if she held me as a baby I would arch my back and go stiff. I remember when I was about 3-4 years old waiting for kids to vacate the sandbox so I could play there. I would not play in it if someone else was there. I didn't like other people. I remember being in school and not liking my classmates. I remember spending recess hidden at the limits of the playground so I could sing without being judged by others. I remember the school suggesting that I skip a grade three and four because I was way too advanced for the class and getting excited about meeting new kids in case I might actually like one of them (but I was not allowed to skip any grades as my parents were worried since I was already withdrawn that I would not be able to socialize with the older kids). So it looks like there is no "event" that made me hate the world. I seem to have been born that way. Why would a child be born so negative and with so much hatred for humanity? And if I was born this way, what hope do I have of changing? Surely it is my hatred for humanity causing my depression? I have "challenged" these negative thoughts and find them to be true...humans are like a cancer to the planet, they are destroying it. They are destructive. They make mistakes. Humans are self-preserving. Humans always want....want MORE. And I am human.....
That is the sad part....No, I don't really feel any better from all that I have done to rid myself of depression. What I do doesn't seem to shorten the duration, or make it less fierce. It still comes regularly...often 10 days before my period (but not always) no matter what I do. However, it does seem to make it less noticeable to others. When I try to relax and think positive...that is, go and do something I like, don't say negative things, get out of bed etc....other people assume that I feel better. My mom says I am not depressed as depressed people just sit in a chair and rock. So all that I do doesn't "cure" me, it just makes other people think I am just fine. My aunt who is depressed can't get out of bed. But when I told her she HAD to get out because I needed her to come with me for the day and then I could get her to the airport to go home afterwards, she could get out of bed. I don't get out of bed because I feel better. I get out of bed because I refuse to give up and lose my life. I have a great life and hate that I can't actually "enjoy" it. She got out of bed because she had a REASON. I have a 6 reasons living with me. But I still don't understand why I can't get rid of depression if there is nothing "wrong" with me. None of the treatments make a difference. None of the fighting changes anything. The bouts come no matter how good life is, no matter how much positive thinking I do, no matter how much rest and good food I get....
My mother claims that I recoiled at any physical touch as an infant. And the first complaints that I was withdrawn came from preschool teachers. I have no childhood trauma. Could I have been born depressed?
PS My grandmother was depressed all her life. And I am exactly like her!
a little confused...I have read session 1 and don't really see how any of those "causes" apply to an infant...so still not sure if someone can be born depressed....
would be interested in a counsellor but I live in rural quebec and just getting in to see a Dr is a joke...
No, I have never heard of Attachment Theory, but I do know my parents held a view of child-rearing that would allow a baby to "cry it out" rather than spoil it. I will try and find more info about this theory.
Since so many depressive episodes seem to come before a period I have been given the diagnosis of PMDD (severe PMS) a few times but I do not respond to the treatment. Well, I respond all right...I get WORSE! Anyway, after lots of trial and error.... it was decided that it was coincidence that many episodes come regularly especially since I have many episodes that DON'T follow my cycle. So...I have been told that although I may have PMDD, I also have depression that is unrelated to the PMDD.
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