Still alive
Truths about me.....hmmmmm.....
I'm lonely, isolated...a misfit. I'm egocentric...I see things like a child would....from my own perspective...and can't imagine anything I have not already seen and done myself. I have really bad spatial perception hence I am clumsy and accident prone. This causes a lot of fear. I don't want to DO things. I can tell someone else how to do something for me, but I can't actually do it myself. Hubby says I act like a princess....because I don't DO anything physical myself...I expect someone else to do it...like I am too good to do physical labour. I'm a paper pusher...tons of lists, records, documentation. I put everything in print. My life is document in a photo book. If I don't have a photo of it, it never happened. I'm a subtle adrenaline junkie. I don't do dangerous stunts for the rush, I am too accident prone to dare try that, but I can not sit still. I often work multiple jobs, and usually have a course of study on the go, I sign up for every activity that catches my fancy. I don't want to miss anything. I am constantly racing around with my schedule sooooo packed that I need to book time to pee and bathe! When I force msyelf to stop and just relax....like lay in a bubble bath...I get agitated, annoyed. It is not relaxing at all. It is like elevator music or someone scraping fingernails down a chalkboard. I don't drink coffee for coffee....I use it as a drug to keep me going when I tire. If I feel like I am burning out I medicate with chocolate LOL.
Hmmm...strong, compassionate and articulate? Thanks. I guess I would have to be somewhat strong to still be here...lol. And I love my family. I am desperate to please them, but hubby complains I am not very comforting or nurturing. But I definitely can't stand to see them suffer or do without. I take from myself to make sure they get what they want. Articulate? Hm...too smart for my own good! LOL School is easy....so I keep doing it. I love to learn. I love to read. I love to know stuff! My appetite for knowledge is insatiable.But it also alienates me. As I want to discuss my new discoveries with others and there are not many people around me capable or interested in the same as me. In fact, they laugh at me. And call me over-analytical. I don't watch a movie just to be entertained. I break it apart into themes, messages and like to discuss the philosophies presented in the film but nobody else saw any of that. It makes me feel outcast and alone.
Other truths about me...hmmm...
I'm over-critical...of myself and others. It is hard to live up to my standards. My son started public school in Sept 2010 (he was homeschooled for high school but went to school for his last year to get a diploma). He got mostly 80+ on his first report card except for French as a First Language and Math given in French (he was taught in English at home but public school is all in French). The average class mark for French was 65. He got 64. For math, I taught cultural and social math (basic math) but he signed up for technological math which required basic knowledge of a lot of formulas and symbols he had never seen before so he failed the first term. Anyway, he was upset that I was angry at his report card. He thought he did great but I KNOW he could do better. He just doesn't care. He just wants to meet girls and get a diploma. He doesn't care about actually getting good marks or learning anything. He only does enough to get what he needs. He doesn't have a work ethic. Or maybe I have TOO MUCH work ethic. I am always "at work".
I dunno....here I am rambling...and not actually answering your question about what truths I see about myself. You can tell my depressive episode is coming. I can feel it. I am irritable, whiny, craving sugar and stimulants, impatient, drained, tired, etc. I can feel an attack coming...maybe in the
