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13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

been there, done that, still wailing

Hello

I am new here, but not new to depression. I have read as far as Goals and Activities but am already discouraged. It is suggesting that I eat better, sleep better, do a balance of pleasant and unpleasant things and that will help my mood. However, I think I already do so much of that but it hasn't helped me feel better. I am still plagued with negativity even on the brightest sunny day. I eat 3 meals a day, homemade, organic, mostly raw fruits and veggies, some homemade breads, very little dairy, no meat but instead a lot of beans and seeds. I go to bed around 10 pm every day but it takes me an hour to fall asleep, I wake up several times a night, toss and turn, sometimes get up and work, by 6:30 am I am awke and out of bed by 7 am. I do not nap during the day. I exercise a minimum of 2 x 1hr per week but usually more. That is, I have 2 karate classes every week but in addition I sometimes go for walks, lift light weights, use a stationary bike, swim, ice skate etc for an average of another 3 hours per week. Also, I have 5 kids so I am not exactly sitting down all day! I do not hide away from the world. I homeschool my children, when I am not working in my home office. I take them to many excursions and group activities. I cook, I clean, I teach, I garden, I exercise...I keep very busy. I watch an hour of TV every week, I watch at least one movie every week (I love movies), I read at least one book a month. I do thinks for me also, not just everyone elsel. The problem is I am crying constantly. I cry when I wake up. I feel worthless. I feel alone. I find it difficult to get out of bed...every chore is a challenge. I constantly screw up because I can't concentrate. I am crying so much while driving, I can not drive well. I always spill things, I have trouble speaking, I am irritable, and have fits of rage when little things don't work right. Then in my fit I get hurt, hurt someone else, or break something and then I feel even worse about myself. I am doing the right things, so I think, but my thoughts are the worst ever.

So why do I feel this way? If I eat well, sleep regularly, exercise daily, have a great life with great kids, why do I hate myself so much? Am I just a bad person? What have I done wrong?

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

been there, done that, still wailing

Thanks for your reply. I have talked to doctors in the past, but currently do not have access to one (well, have one, but have been waiting years for an appointment). However, I am in no urgent need to speak to another doctor. They just make it worse. We have tried psychiatrists, pyschologists, social workers, a bunch of drugs and last time I spoke to the doctor I refused to take any more drugs so she refused to offer any other solutions unless I was on drug therapy. So...I am on my own to find answers and I found this website.

Yes, I am exhausted. I have said "no" to sooooo many things. I used to work 60 hours a week, homeschooled my kids, was home alone with my 4 acres, growing our own food, by hand, volunteered as an English teacher etc., had a gym membership, aerobics class, took kids to music, soccer, dance...But we dropped so many things. I only have one job now, and usually only work about 15 hours a week (but up to 30 hours a week). I don't volunteer for anything, the kids dropped out of most activties (except the odd free ones), I don't socialize much anymore and can't see much more I can cut out. One of my children is an infant so I usually read or watch TV when he is nursing. When the kids go to bed, I go to bed. However, I am usually the first up. I prepare for the day and get work done before they get up. I would love to have a quiet time but I have exhausted my babysitting budget (way way exhausted) trying to make it easier for myself to get things done. I certainly have no where to send them for a couple of days unless I drove to another province (which not sure my vehicle could last that far ). I don't get much alone time and would like more, but it is not really an option.

Probably my busy schedule is not really a cause of my depression, but more of a symptom. All my life I have been hyper-busy. Even before I had kids I was always overloaded. I went to university full time, while working full time, volunteered at things, always had more than one job, joined clubs or classes etc. I think that keeping busy keeps me from thinking too much . Thinking makes me sad.

I keep trying to think back to where it all began. What caused this? But I can remember being sad and anti-social as young as preschool. Maybe I was just born messed up. Maybe I can never get better. I dunno why this is happening. Everything seems right....great life, got all my needs, got a bunch of wants, but can't appreciate anything....If I did everything right, shouldn't I feel good?

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

been there, done that, still wailing

I haven't used this online mood tracker yet but I have tracked my life before (wrote down what I ate, how I felt, what my poop was like...lol) and found some patterns. The worst depression always precedes what I call "the black stain". A few days before my menstrual cycle some light bleeding will occur. This light bleeding signals relief. The depression will improve greatly just before my time of month but come back slightly as soon as the cramping and heavy bleeding starts. I also found that when I took birth control pills I went completely insane. The stronger the pill, the more insane I went. And I found that consuming white sugars and stimulants also increases depression. Funny thing is, when I start feeling down, I crave sugar, starch and stimulants! Stress seems to also increase my depression. One of the worst triggers is criticism. Yelling at me for doing something wrong is a great way to start my downward spiral. Especially if it was something I had no control over. I also found that taking time off to "relax" doesn't help me much. It makes me antsy and gives me more time to think negative thoughts. But I do read...not thinking about my own life when I am reading...when I am not too depressed to concentrate on reading. If I am too depressed to concentrate, I find watching a movie is easy enough. But I can't watch horror. I feel the movies. So I choose comedy in order to lift my spirits. False reality...thinking of the worlds of books and movies...but at least it gives me a break from the reality of my negative mind.

Yes, I do have older children and they help me a lot. But it affects them negatively to always have to "save" mom. My last breakdown (when I could not stop crying and screaming for days) my 2nd son had to take care of the younger kids and cook their food, and couldn't do anything for himself. Within days, he was feeling sick too. He couldn't concentrate, couldn't do his school, and was irritable.

I don't have a lot of friends and no family out here (not that family would help...we don't have much of a relationship...), but in desperation I did call someone to come and help when things were the worst. I don't want to dump everything on my kids. But she was not home and therefore could not help when I needed it most.

I am following this program in the hopes that something works. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

been there, done that, still wailing

In my life tracking I also noticed that I never get really depressed when I am pregnant! I am never full of joy, especially since I get so sick (hyperemesis, back pain, dizziness, anemia etc.) but I don't get the crying, screaming fits. They start back after the birth, about the same time as my period. I am the ONLY mother I know that gets a period right after birth even when breast feeding. My friends go for a year or two without a cycle. But I never miss a month. In fact, I get a cycle every 14-22 days! I always seem to be PMSing or bleeding! Argh!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

Is this my problem?

I noticed something today.

I was at the museum with 3 of my children. The baby need a clean diaper and I left the 2 youngsters in the museum alone while I quickly ran out the side door to grab the diaper from the car. I would have been gone almost 2 minutes, but when I came back to the side door a soldier who had been loading something in a van using that side door also (staff only and he wasn't staff...neither was I) told me I had to go around to the front of the building to get back in. The side door is not the usual door as you need to use the front entrance in order to pay. However, this soldier saw me pay. My kids went up to see him close up while we were inside the museum. He saw me come out of the side door with a baby, and get a diaper. He could see that I had no coat nor purse, and as he saw me with my little kids, he knew they must still be in there and that I needed to return quickly. Although the "rule" is that one must use the front door, it would seem to me acceptable to use the side door in certain circumstances, like he was....and like I was. But, I guess soldiers are trained to follow rules, and not to think about exceptions nor why the rule is there. Anyway, he made me run around to the other side of the building and then race back through the building to get back to my kids. I was upset not just because my kids were left alone (well not totally alone...my friends were there but I had not alerted them to watch over my kids) for more than the 90 seconds I intended but also I just...I was just ...I dunno....just UPSET. I couldn't get it out of my mind, I was annoyed, angry, and spent the rest of the day stewing about it. It was silly. I could do nothing about it. So why, oh why could I not just let it go and forget about it?

Is my inability to let go.....my stewing about things that are past....my....I dunno....

Is it normal to feel so upset for something so silly?

Is this personality trait causing/aggravating my depression?

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

Is this my problem?

Not even sure why it upset me so much. It made me feel angry, frustrated, panicked...but when it was all over, I should have just let it go. And I don't really know why I could not. Maybe the upcoming chapters will answer that.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

been there, done that, still wailing

Yes, I have tried many doctors in the past but they have never been of any help, in fact, they have only ever made things worse. I did get access to a student psychiatrist this year, but she REALLY made things worse. And when her school term ended, so do our visits. I am currently on a waiting list to see other doctors (I am in rural Canada...so I could be waiting years) but I don't expect much from them.

I did try to access community services and I received domestic help for 4 months when my baby was 1-5 months old. However, 4 months is the maximum allowed. I did get access to a psychologist that offered marriage counselling but after one visit with my husband and I he refused to see us again. He felt my husband was firm in his beliefs and therefore if both parties are not willing to make changes, then marriage counselling is pointless.

I have not found any other services that we are eligible for. There may be pay per use services, but as we have not drawn any salaries since June, we have no money left to be paying for anything, especially not any "extras".

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

been there, done that, still wailing

I am putting a lot of hope into this website. Everything else seems to have hit a dead end. I do think my cycle is odd, and I have mentioned it to doctors before but now I am on a waiting list to see the doctor again so can't mention it again until I can actually get an appointment (I am in rural Canada so seeing a doctor is a long wait...unless I go to emergency and hang out there for a day or so but considering my past experience....no thanks) .

Don't think there is anything I am doing that helps me on a day to day basis. I am trying to eat right....organic foods, almost no meat nor dairy, no artificial flavours, colours or white sugar. I try to exercise at least an hour 5 days a week. I have cut back on my schedule to only the bare minimum so I am not having to race around any more than necessary. I try to fit in some reading to fill my mind with other thoughts other than my own life. I started watching TV again. I watch 2 TV shows on Monday nights...my TV night. I have been doing all that for awhile, but have not noticed any improvement in myself. Maybe all that is what keeps me alive. Maybe I would be insane if I didn't do that. In that case, I guess it is helping....LOL.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

Pleasant Activities not what I expected

Hello

I am fairly new to the program and I have got as far as Goals and Activties. I have used the Pleasant Activities sheet to record my mood before and after my favourite activties. I figured I was supposed to see how they make me happy and encourage me to include more things just for me. Yet, I find that my mood before and after a pleasant activity is almost always exactly the SAME. The outside world does not seem to reflect my moods well. Everything in life could be great, yet I could still fall into depression. However, contrairely I did find that while feeling "down" a negative activity can send me into a depressive fit. But if I don't feel too down in the first place, a negative activity or really bad event won't affect my mood negativitely at all. I can deal with bad things if i already feel good, but can't if i am depressed. But good things don't cheer me up when I am depressed.

Am I doing something wrong in the program already? Wasn't I supposed to see how goals and pleasant activities make things better?

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 60

Pleasant Activities not what I expected

I have moved along in the program and have been keeping a Thought Record. Every time my mood changes, I record the date, time, level of mood change and everything that is going on at the time. It is very discouraging. My moods are changing for no apparent reason. I was elated at 10 am today. I was sending emails with smiley faces, laughing and giggling on the phone and then at noon I was in my office and the phone rang. It was a friend of mine. But for some reason I really didn't feel like talking. We talked 10 minutes. Then the kids were asking me questions and I was getting annoyed with them. I was having trouble talking without stuttering. I could not think straight. I was annoyed with the newest emails. I started thinking about my full schedule, no money and other negative thoughts...out of the blue. Then I noticed my eyebrows were furrowed and I was frowning. WTH? Nothing bad happened. In fact, nothing different happened at all. I was just sitting here and voilà my mood changed in a matter of minutes.

I keep expecting that Pleasant Activities will cheer me, and keeping track of changes in my thoughts will enlighten me so I can finally get rid of depression. But I am just finding that the world around me has nothing to do with my depression. I feel so hopeless right now. If I can't change things to make myself better, what chance do I have of every feeling peace?

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