Some Serious Anxiety

I sure wish I could control illogical anxiety. Today, several times, I was gripped by uncomfortable worries and anxiety, all revolving around my payment for my classes at school. 
 
I registered for classes a few weeks ago, and we have 2 weeks to pay fees before we get all our classes dropped. However, I qualified for financial aid (a bit), so I have a deferral on my fee payment (at least a couple months from now), but...I can't stop obsessing over the possibility that the school may forget about my deferral or something bad might happen and cause me to lose all of my classes. It is hard to get into classes once you have been dropped. I know this is illogical, but I am obsessing over it anyway.
 
I finally told my husband about my fears tonight, and he said we should just pay the fees next week to alleviate my worries. That way my classes will be locked in, and I can breathe again. I am feeling a little better already, knowing this.
 
I just wish I could not have the anxiety in the first place. There is no reason for me to worry; yet I am finding myself getting more and more worried as the summer passes.
 
I am frustrated at myself for having the anxiety in the first place.

Stress Relievers

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Some Serious Anxiety

Hi Ashley,
 
I think the reason this is so frustrating for me is that I did this last year too (the first year I used financial aid). I panicked about losing my classes, so even though I had a deferral, I paid the fees early anyway to alleviate my fear. I am only repeating it again this summer. I am guessing that I will be fighting this anxiety each time I register for classes (spring and fall).

I think that by paying the fees early, I am only reinforcing the problem, giving in to the anxiety. But I just feel so much better, so much relief, after I have my classes locked in, that I can't seem to stop the compulsive early payments.
 
I guess the best thing to do would be to force myself to wait out the payment deferral, but I really like to be able to relax. I would have to suffer for 2-3 months with this anxiety 2 times a year.
 
I am really not sure how I could apply this to the program. May negative thoughts or core beliefs?  I am not on those sections yet though. I am still on the thought records (just started last night). I guess I will write this down as a thought too.
 
I guess I need to learn to "trust" the institution, the financial aid office, the admissions office, etc at the university, but I have such bad experience with lost records, people not doing what they are supposed to do, computers malfunctioning, data getting lost, etc, that I just don't trust.
 
I have been worried about this for a few weeks now (ever since I registered for classes). Now that I know we will be paying it soon, I feel like I can finally breathe. My depression has always been that irritable/anxious kind, so to fight the depression off; I felt that I needed to resolve the anxiety. If I let the anxiety simmer, it seems to bring the depression back with it.  : (
 
Hi Lance,
I am definitely a worrier. I used to find myself holding my breath a lot, but I am a lot better now. I have a couple breathing techniques I use (the box and a chanting one).
 
I definitely try and anticipate anxiety-provoking situations, but I almost feel that by doing that, I am reinforcing the anxiety by rewarding it through avoidance behavior. Does that make sense? Like in the case of school finances. I should be able to let the bill go unpaid until the adjusted due date, but because of my anxiety, I pay it early allowing myself to feel completely relaxed about it, causing me to repeat the same scenario again the next time I register.  I guess it just depends on what the situation is or what is provoking the anxiety that would make it seem like avoidance or confrontation would be the best way to go.
 
Thanks for your advice!

Stress Relievers

Inspirational quote

Inspirational quote

Hi Samantha,
 
I guess I am just tired of all the trite quotes on happiness or self-love.

This is one of favorite quotes:
 
I have forced myself to contradict myself in order to avoid conforming to my own taste.
By Marcel Duchamp
 
I like the idea that I can contradict my own self (such as the depressive thoughts, the anxiety, my own self-belief, etc). I had never considered this before, but when I saw the quote, it just struck me as something profound. I am still working out "how" to contradict myself. The logistics are still a little fuzzy.  :  )
 
Pete,
 
What you write really makes sense. Thankfully, I am in a different place today. But many years ago, I was filled with self-loathing (probably due to traumatic childhood issues). However, now, as I approach 40, I am actually feeling better about myself. My depression, even at it's absolute worst (when I was looking for a permanent way out) did not consist of self-hate. I was just extremely unhappy with life circumstances and did not see a way out (had that trapped feeling) without hurting everyone. I did not want to live with the pain of hurting everyone, and I didn't want to live feeling trapped. As selfish as it sounds, I was willing to "escape" my situation through a permanent solution. I know this would have hurt everyone terrible, but I would not have been around to see it or live with the guilt.
 
My doctor couldn't understand how a person could feel severely depressed yet not hate themselves. I guess I an anomaly.  LOL!
 
About past mistakes and secrets, I definitely have those. But I kind of like who I am now (I would not say love). I would not be who I am now without those mistakes. I would be different, a stranger to myself. I kind of see the mistakes as building blocks of me. While they were very painful as they occurred, they have all added up to me. I am very quirky, eccentric, way too academic, very messy yet a perfectionist (don't ask me how those go together!), a bit of a social outcast, and a ton of other oddities. I like how I am not a carbon copy of everyone else doing what everyone else is doing to "fit-in." Like my other post said though, I would like a "hang-out" buddy. Just because I am an odd duck doesn't mean I want to be alone 100% of the time!
 
Another way I feel ok about myself is through my daughter. She is amazing and so beautiful (all parents are so biased!  LOL!). I know that she is 1/2 me, which I helped contribute to who she is. I love who she is, so in turn, I really like the parts of me that are a part of her. Ok, I'm sounding weird again. This is my odd, eccentric, academic side showing. I just think the existence of my daughter has helped my own self-esteem.
 
 I do remember being in high school and absolutely hating myself. I did actually try to achieve a permanent solution to that hate. I remember in my 20s, being so thin and pretty (that's my opinion now as I look back on pictures of myself) and thinking I was ugly and fat. Now, 20 years later, I look much older and a bit chubbier, yet I like myself more. This has made me realize that mind was lying to me, hiding my own beauty from me. I think, now, when my mind tries to do the same, I remember those pictures from 20 years ago, and I tell my mind to shut up. I know it tells me lies.
 
I do still have feeling of inadequacy about doing a good job at school or work or in social situations. Even though I accept who I am, I don't have confidence about those things. The funny thing is, I usually do pretty ok at those things. Maybe it is just my mind lying to me again.  :  )
 
Now if I could just address the anxiety, the trapped feelings, and the inadequacy feeling, I would be on

Stress Relievers, Part II

Definitely leaving early has been a huge stress reliever for me. I used to be habitually 10 minutes late for everything. Ever since the depression and extreme anxiety, I now leave early to help calm myself. I never thought I could be able to do that, but I found it to be such a huge stress reliever, that I make the time to be early.