My amazing son

Wow, wow, wow!
 
That is the most awesome story I have ever heard Pete! I would have been just flying high if he were my son. The way you describe it, I wish I had been there with you to witness his incredible performance. Knowing the challenges he's had to overcome just makes it all that more special. Thank you so much for sharing it with us! What a special, special moment. As a mom, my biggest joy in life is seeing my daughter grow up and have moments like this. We have never had one quite so incredible though. Congratulations to you and your son! Your story is so uplifting and nice. It is just what I needed this morning. I truly wish I had seen him perform.

Friendship

Oh, I just thought of one more reason why I would like a friend: to exercise with. I hate exercising, but as I get older, I am starting to see a real need for it (why do we have to get so stiff as we age!).
 
The only time in my life, when I exercised regularly, was when I had a gym membership with a friend from college, about 5 years ago. I only knew the friend for a few months. She was an international exchange student and wanted to work out, so she invited me to work out with her. I was nervous (had never been to a gym before), but I said ok. It turned to be a great thing for me. She got me to the gym, and then I would get on the elliptical machine and watch TV, and she would go do something else. We did this for about a year, until she had to return to her home country.
 
I think I would like an exercise buddy again, even if we did nothing else but meet at the gym and be accountable to each other for exercise. I sit around a lot now (probably part of the depression), and I feel myself becoming the tin man!
 
Thanks again for getting my mind going about why I would like a friend or friends. You have really made me think.

My amazing son

I just wanted to say, I know the event was quite a while ago, but it was still exciting to read it this morning. Even after all this time, your post is inspiring and uplifting, and I still wish I had been there. How is your son doing now? Does he still play?

Is Celexa working for me?

Not selfish at all! In fact, writing to you (and others) has helped me think through my own thought and feelings about things. So, in a way, you are giving back and helping just by helping us write out our own thoughts. Thanks!

My amazing son

Friendship

Lance, you are absolutely right. I only feel comfortable opening up when I can be anonymous, like Pete. I guess it's because I don't feel "safe" with face-to-face communication. I feel vulnerable, threatened. People will talk, share my innermost feelings around with everyone. I can't trust them to keep what I say confidential. I know if I shared with any family members, they would talk amongst themselves, and I find the thought to be intrusive and distasteful. I am all for adding a human element to my life, but not in an intrusive way, just in the ways listed below. Right or wrong, it is what I am comfortable with. I guess I may change my mind at some time in the future, but for now, it would be a huge step for me to even make it as far as what I have listed below.
 
 I know, on an intellectual level, that having friends will help with the depression. But I know this like I know that eating more fruits and vegetables are good for me, or that exercising is good for me. I may know all of that on an intellectual level, but may not necessarily do anything about it.
 
 For now, I am satisfied with my online "friends" here on the forum.  You are all wonderful and have helped me really think about issues I had never considered before.  :  )
 
Lance, like you, I was best friends with my spouse. But also like you, we have seriously drifted apart. I never thought it would happen, but yet, here we are. So now, I feel that my own very close friend is not even close anymore. We still hang out together, but I never share my feelings with him, probably because they mostly involve him and how I have pulled away emotionally. I just don't want to hurt him that way. We are not "miserable," but we are more like roommates now. Sometimes it is hard to feel so distant and lonely with someone you live with. It seems odd to feel that way. I used to think it was the depression, but now I am so much more stable due to medication, and yet, the feeling is still there. Something I will have to "work" on I guess. I wish I could just turn back time and make everything how it used to be before all this mess.
 
Pete, you make an excellent point about some people just liking to be alone. I have always considered myself to be like that except I usually had "one" friend (just a hang-out-and-play type of a friend) through grade school. I find it so much harder to find a "hang out buddy" since I am an adult. I never really felt that missing until I drifted apart from my spouse. I guess he was filling that role.  I also never see myself being like those ads. I truly do not want to be surrounded by a hoard of chatting, loud, demanding friends...calling all the time, always asking questions, etc. Like I said before, I think I would just like a quiet, stoic, hang out buddy who has my back. Maybe this is why I get along so much better with men than women. I don't really know, but it's a guess. Unfortunately, it is inappropriate for a woman to be friends with guys here, especially when the woman is married, and I can completely see and understand why. So I have to look for these qualities in a female and have yet to find someone who I can relate to.
 
Thanks again to both of you for keeping this thread going. You have given me much to think about.

Celebrating our Mistakes

Hello! I have a new mistake that I just learned about this morning that I thought I would share. I was over on the "Success Stories" section and while I was responding to Pete's amazing news about his son's musical performance, for some reason, I glanced down at what I thought was the "date" of the event, I saw the wrong date. I accidentally looked at the "joined" date thinking it was the "posting" date. LOL! For some reason, I thought the event had been posted a while ago and not just this week, so one of my comments made absolutely no sense!
 
I have learned that I need to learn to use this forum a bit better and to read things more carefully in the future before making a response. While it is a little embarrassing, there was no real harm done. I think I should keep this lesson in mind as I go back to school this fall: read all the instructions and words thoroughly on all my writing prompts and tests, and slow down and take my time so that I don't make silly, avoidable mistakes like that (those professors are not as forgiving as Pete!). I think that keeping this lesson in mind will help me avoid some trouble in the future.
 
I now know, the joined date is right above the avatar, and the message post date is right above the message. Kind of logically makes sense now.
 
Thanks Pete for pointing that out and not letting my "mistake" just slide by!  : )

Silly...but a success nonetheless

I have successfully showered every day this week, a new record for me for over a year and a half! Even though it's silly, I feel that it's a success of a sort. Now if I can just keep it up.

Watching a 12 year marriage disapear...

Hi Viking 195,
 
That sounds so very frustrating for you. What a tough situation to be in. I wish I could give you advice, but I am actually on the other side of the story. For the past year or more, I had mentally checked out of my marriage. I truly wanted to leave, but when I couldn't figure out how to do it without being full of regrets, I started contemplating suicide. I am sure my depression played a huge role in all of this
 
I am sure my situation is very different from yours, but from my husband's point of view, it is very similar. In response to me pulling away and being so silent and resentful all the time, he worked harder, got nicer, and helped out more.

I am still trying to figure out why I started to put up a wall of silence between us. Before I got help with my depression, I could not think about it. But now that I am feeling better, I can start addressing these issues. I now see that many instances of trust has been broken; drug use has been involved, possessiveness, jealousy, one person having expensive hobbies while the other shops at thrift stores while taking care of everything at home, etc. I have just painted a bleak picture, but there is a lot of good mixed in with the bad, such as a wonderful parent, very faithful, always comes home on time, etc. Like most marriages, it is a mix of good with the bad.

It sounds like your wife may be in a very different place than I am, but hopefully, she will start to “want” to make things better. That is the first step to healing.
 
I am willing to do it, but I am struggling. I have never told him how I feel about a lot of things that have hurt me, so I promised him I would write a long letter. I am working on the letter now. I have promised myself that I would not hold anything back, no matter how much it might hurt for him to read it.  I have a trip planned to see family, and I plan to give it to him before I leave. He promised he would read the letter, and think about it while I am gone. Then he said he wants to get marriage counseling after that.
 
I think, once I got treatment, I was able to start to see the good in him again. Sometimes with depression, all I could see was the bad.
 
I am not sure what my story really has to do with your particular situation, but when I read your story, I thought, that is me, but I am the woman. I must seem just awful to my husband. I am really trying to be better. I am surprised he even put up with me last year!
 
I guess the most important thing I can tell you is both parties have to want to make things better. I don't know how to go about making someone else want something (not even sure it is possible), but I do know that I was suffering from untreated depression, and until I got treatment, I didn't want the relationship to get better. Before treatment, I just blamed my husband for everything, thinking I was just feeling bad because of him. But now I know differently. He did contribute some to how I felt, but the depression made everything just seem so much worse.
 
I hope you and your wife are able to open some lines of communication.
 
"wondering if there's anything even left to save..  hell.. at this point - I'm wondering if there was ever anything there at all in the first place."

I remember being at this place. It is such a hard place to be at. I can now see that yes, there was something there, and yes, there is something left to save. But boy can it not seem like that during the blackest moments.

Thank you for sharing your story. It has made me rethink how much my husband must be suffering as I am working things out in my mind.

Silly...but a success nonetheless

Hi Ashley,
 
At this point, I really think it is the meds. Apparently Lamictal really agrees with me (have been on it for 4 weeks now). I really want it to keep working (this is the best I have felt in over a year) and not get that dreaded rash.
 
Since I have been diagnosed as having bipolar II, I think my depression may be more chemical in nature as compared to negative life situations or thinking.  I do have some life situation issues and emotional issues to deal with (see the post on marriage issues), but ever since I started getting medicated, those issues just don't seem that big of a deal now. I truly think I was blowing everything out of proportion and making the life issues seem much worse than they really are. I had always been able to cope just fine with problems or frustrations in the past, but over the course of this last year, I just couldn't anymore. It was all just too much. I stopped eating, stopped bathing, and stopped getting out bed. I am now amazed at how truly debilitating depression is.
 
 So yes, I think the meds are starting to make a difference. I also went out and did some things I used to really enjoy this week, such as poke around in thrift stores and go to the library. I had stopped doing that because I enjoyed nothing. The med that is working now is the 4th med I have tried.
 
I am scheduled to increase the dose next week, and I am really nervous about changing the dose. I think I am happy on this dose, but the doc said a higher dose is needed for true therapeutic benefits.
 
Even though I think the root of my depression is chemical in nature, I am still going to work through the program and get counseling (and hopefully marriage counseling), just to make sure I am treating all aspects of the illness.