Ready to Give Up

Lady: I just wanted to write and say that I certainly do understand about feeling worn out with the effort, and like you, I have a list of things I used to do to make it feel better. Certainly isolating myself was one of the things I had/have down to a fine art (and your post gave me a great challenge to overcome that here, so thank you). And like you I definitely have days when I wish I could just put the toothpaste back in the tube and give up on confronting these strange patterns in my life. I have no answers beyond that, to say anything more would be to pretend I have answers. But I did want you to know that I understand, and moreover, you really helped me a great deal by your post and by giving me an opportunity to respond. Thanks again

Ready to Give Up

Lady: I use the same kind of logic, that if the problem is still there when I take the steps people recommend, then I must be the problem. And like you I feel pretty isolated in my situation. All I can say to you is even if there is some "aloneness" in your situation, I'm asking myself the same kinds of questions. I don't quite know how to connect all the dots at the moment but I do know that sometimes they seem to connect themselves. I just want to get to a place where that starts to happen again. And I am hoping the same for you :-)

Why does negative self talk feel comforting?

Is it possible that negative self-talk can actually be a way of comforting yourself? I find sometimes that the "soundtrack" goes off in my head when I am trying to get over something stressful, and that it is actually comforting. And if so, how do you manage that? When I need to deal with something difficult it can be one of the things that helps me cope. I know it's not a desirable way to operate, but I really am puzzled because some part of me is unwilling to part with these habits because of what they offer me. I don't find positive self-talk at all comforting, even though it feels more virtuous and well-adjusted. It just doesn't have any impact at a gut level, while the negative stuff feels like pulling the plug out of a full bathtub of stress and letting it drain out. Your advice on this one would be appreciated, it's been on my mind for a while now. Ava

Please help me

Whynot: I know what you mean about finding it hard to look for support, for fear of how people will respond. I just wanted to post a reply and say that I hope it gets a little easier for you, but that you're very brave to be making so many tough decisions - including quitting smoking - that is a really important one. And starting to reach out here as well. You clearly do care about your family to be taking steps like this. I don't really know how your situation with your doctor is, but wouldn't the final decision on any meds or treatment etc. be your own? So perhaps you could tell him/her how you're feeling over the quitting smoking but tell them how important it is to you to handle it in a particular way, ie. to avoid the problems you mentioned. I hope this doesn't sound like advice because I really am in no position to offer any, but I wish you could have many options and many avenues of support, and if the doctor can offer you any at all it might be worth exploring. That said, I'm not very good at going and getting the help so I really don't want to be telling anyone else how to make these difficult decisions. I guess the bottom line is, again, I really wish you all the support and success in the world and to say how great it is that you are doing these difficult things for your family, and yourself. Ava

How do you "unlove" someone?

sweet: I think your title caught a lot of people's attention, so thanks for putting into words something that we've all been struggling with. There's great advice in this thread so I wasn't going to add my ten cents worth until I saw that you're just getting past a year since your breakup (if I understand correctly). I'm at about the same point, and I also had trouble coping with it, for the same kind of "I love you, I want to be with you, but I can't" kind of reasons. Or at least that's what I got told, I'm not sure I should dignify that kind of nonsense with the word "reason." Anyway, my point was to say that I am beginning to unlove him, so it can be done. I won't pretend it's easy, but it is possible, and here are a few of the steps I took to make it happen. 1. I took everything he gave me, gifts, cards, whatever little souvenirs I had and packed them away in a box and stuck them as far in the back of my closet as I could manage. I knew I wasn't up to throwing them out but I also knew it wasn't helping to look at them, or use the mug he gave me, the music we chose etc. 2. I didn't cut off contact entirely but I put a stop to the pointless messages he used to send that didn't achieve anything. I called this "poking." It's where the sole purpose of contacting me was to make sure I was still available to him. And every little message reminded both of us of this fact, which felt good for him, bad for me. Without the pokes it turns out he had nothing really to say to me, which was a good message to get. My theory is he was having trouble letting go, not because he cared about me, but because he was addicted to my pain. Seeing my pain over him made him feel good, like getting a "hit" each time. When he had enough he went off feeling good until he ran low again. When I saw it that way, I felt very differently about the little messages he liked to send. 3. I spent a lot of time with this site, and focused closely on doing the steps in the program. I got a nice folding file and multicoloured file folders to keep everything in, so it looked and felt good. 4. I focused on the things in my life that I felt had become possible because of him, and I made a plan so that I could provide those things for myself. So for example he traveled a lot

feeling lost

Lost: I felt the same way when I started. But I used the structure to keep myself going. It's all very small steps, just a little each day adds up. Get yourself a good spot to keep your papers and worksheets, maybe some nice coloured folders or a special pen, set aside time in the day for the computer, brew a cup of tea or coffee or whatever steps make it feel like a comfortable routine. No one expects your whole day to transform, but even if the rest of it goes to hell in a handbasket, you can carve out this one small piece where you start taking baby steps in the right direction. It can work, don't overthink it, just start small and follow the instructions. I wish you all the support in the world. Ava

Why does negative self talk feel comforting?

Confused: Thanks for your thoughts, you might be right about the familiarity, but I've also developed another theory. I wonder if sometimes when I feel like the world is full of criticism and rejection and everyone sees me in this bad light, that it's tough to be the voice in your head saying you're not so bad. It's like when everyone else rejects you, you still have no choice but to try to be the lone voice in the wilderness trying to stick up for yourself. And sometimes I just want to give in and join the crowd, be on the winning side for a change. Being the one beating myself up gives me that feeling of being on the winning side. Ava

Why does negative self talk feel comforting?

Confused: Sorry to take so long to reply (insert appropriately self-critical comment about what a horrible person I am). I really do appreciate hearing someone else has similar struggles. I hadn't thought about the self-sabotage tendencies until you wrote about them, but I think you're right, those kinds of things do tend to occur at the same time as the self-talk. On the other hand, I do a good job of compartmentalising my life so I can turn on my "work brain" and go on like everything's normal, when I need to. But what I mainly had in mind was this weird feeling of comfort I get when I am saying horrible things to myself in my head. And because it's comforting, it's harder to break as a habit. Seems like when everything already feels bleak you're supposed to give up something that feels like the only thing that relieves the pressure. As for whether my thinking has changed, yes and no. It's been more severely negative in the past, almost debilitatingly so, and that has changed a lot. I am also far more aware of when the soundtrack kicks in, with all my old favorites. But I admit it's more like I am coming to terms with these soundtracks as old friends, than I am challenging them. And I really have a hard time challenging them logically. For me they just make so much sense it's easier to adjust to that reality than invent something new. Ava

Why does negative self talk feel comforting?

Confused... The Archetype model seems appropriate in ways, although I think I cooked up this inner soundtrack of my own accord. Early experiences probably gave it fertile ground, and more recent experiences were like "Miracle-gro" but the soundtrack really does feel like an effort to reconcile myself with a world around me that isn't making sense to me. I am not sure that understanding it as a self-protective response is particularly comforting, but it resolves a puzzle to some degree. My brother once explained to me why he cut himself (pretty badly over time), saying that the intensity of that pain crowded out emotional pain so it ended up being a form of self-comfort. I think the soundtrack does the same for me. Is there a downside to adjusting to it? Clearly there is a downside to my brother's methods, so I thought I should also be dealing with my more concealed form of cutting. But maybe it isn't a good analogy since there is no immediate physical risk in my case. I will try to think of it as self-protection, and see if it makes a difference. Thanks for your thoughts and very informed feedback. Ava

Why does negative self talk feel comforting?

Confused: I don't think of the scripts like an addition, because if things are going well in my life I happily drop them with no "withdrawal". But they are a coping mechanism of some kind, to deal with stuff I find overwhelming. But what I can't figure out is why I find emotional self-flagellation comforting. As you say, the things we make habits of generally have some pay-off, but it's like finding that slamming your head into a brick wall helps cure your headaches. Part of me thinks that if you've had to deal with tough stuff as a kid, returning to something familiar can feel comforting, no matter what it is. I think your Victim idea sounds interesting, and like you say, there's some kind of self-support mechanism in there. My script, if it has a type, is very hostile. Imagine a drill sergeant standing screaming into your ear about how worthless you are to the world, and what a complete flop you are etc. etc. The only thing I can think that achieves is it inhibits me from taking any risks, because it tells me I will not only fail, but humiliate myself and further annoy people who already think little of me. So maybe it is about risk-averse behavior, I don't know. I think there's also a quite egotistical control theme going in them too. In the end, it's all about me, things go wrong because of me, if someone is curt, it's because of me, etc. etc. And as for the world that doesn't make sense, I suppose it comes from having worked very hard, and having reasonable success on the professional side, only to wake up and realise the rest of my life is in a shambles and I have nothing of value to offer other people outside of a work environment. But somewhere I had the idea if you were a "good person" worked hard, was honest and upstanding, etc. etc., things would work out fine. But that's not really true. People want more than some robot, and quite reasonably so. And I lack those skills so I find myself a failure in a social/emotional sense, without ever really having had a fighting chance. So I don't blame other people for the situation, but I know I don't fit because of my lack of social/emotional skills and the upshot of the experience is rejection, for reasons that I can understand in my head, but struggle with all the same. I shoul