Constant Intrusive Thoughts

Hello, I am new to this website and group and not quite sure what to say. I'm not real young or real old, but middle aged. That is I am 46 soon to be 47 years old. I don't know why I decided to join this group, but I am running out of options. My life is spinning out of control with anger, rage, feelings of emptiness, and despair. I just started taking medication about 3 weeks ago after being re-diagnosed with Major Depression last month. It's been over 12 years since I was first diagnosed. I feel so lost and trapped and often think of dying as a way out. I know there are other people who may experience these same feelings, but I don't know how I can help. Thanks for listening anyway

Lexapro, effectiveness, and side effects

Hi, I am new to this group as well and wanted to reply to you since my PCP also prescribed Lexapro 10 mg about 3 weeks ago, although very reluctanly. As a result, I decided to see a psychiatrist and she prescribed an increase in Lexapro to 15 mg for the next 8 days and then to 20 mg. I still don't feel much relief from the depression and morbid thoughts constantly in my mind. I have so much pain inside, anger, irritable, sad and lack of ability to even cry as a relief, which I used to be able to do to relieve my symptoms for years. I was first diagnosed with MDD 12 years ago and probably suffered many milder forms of depression in between, but this time is probably the worst because I know more about it and feel so out of control over these thoughts. I have a home, full time career, young son, husband (although I am miserable in this marriage and one friend who I trust. However, even she does not know I feel. I too feel ashammed, but not enough to stop.

Wanting

I just want to let you know that while I am struggling each hour of the day to get through, I too become very discouraged and feel hopeless. I don't want to have these feelings and thoughts most of the time, but it's like I have no control over them. I tend to isolate from my family and look forward to actually being alone. It is hard to pretend all the time that things are ok when inside you are aching for relief. Does it make any sense if when you are a little depressed to eat more and when you are severely depressed you just stop eating. This is happening to me, anyone else experience this with their depression? I also have been having fainting spells early in the morning when I go outside to smoke. I think it may have to do with smoking too fast or something. I hate feeling out of control with my life since I am usually very outspoken and independent. I seem to have lost myself and can't find my way back. Another symptom I am experiencing is the inability to cry anymore for the past month and a half. Normally, I am very senitive and cry easily if just to release emotions I can't express at the time such as anger etc. I wonder if I am incapable of crying anymore, there is just no tears and this used to be a great method of releasing pent up frustrations or anger. I hope you are doing better Ms. Puck and I will continue to hope for your recovery.

not sleeping so good

Some parts of your story Gabbi I can totally relate to. Especially problems you are having with your husband. My husband is a recovering addict and alcoholic for over 13 years, but his behavior reverts back to how he acted while still using. My husband is a perfetionist and very critical, controlling and a poor communicator. We have one 8 year old son together and I have a hard time just with them both. It must be pretty tough on you for having 4 children and having to deal with your symptoms daily. One difference is that my husband does help with all the housework most of the time like laundry, dishes etc. But I would give all that up if he would just treat me kindly and with love and respect. He has anger problems as well and sometimes doesn't try to conceal his feelings in front of our son. I find myself getting so angry with him all the time, cursing him under my breath and at times I feel intense hate for him treating me this way. Then I hate myself for not being stronger to stop it all. He is not physically abusive, but definitely emotionally abusive infront of our son and verbally abusive by ourselves. I know a little about cutting yourself, not from personal experience, but from my work. You see I work in the mental health field. How crazy is that? I should know so much better than I do, but I still am suffering through this depression. My doctor told me not to feel ashammed because doctors get sick too. I feel like a failure in my profession because I can't seem to apply what I know and studied in college. I believe that most people who cut themselves do so to relieve intense anger they might feel either at someone who hurt them or at themselves. It is not a healthy way to cope, but I understand why someone does that. I'm not sure why but I think it serves as a mechanism for not having a way to deal with a situation they feel is out of their control. I know that when I write in my journal daily, it may not change anything, but it makes me aware of what and how I am feeling and gives me a way to express those inappropriate emotions without hurting myself. I hope you know that you are not alone.

Anger Controls My Emotions

Hi Everyone, I really need some help from all of you, I have so much pent up anger, resentment that it consumes me. I started off this morning feeling ok that is until I went outside and became dizzy and lightheaded and made it back to bed before fainting and falling down on my knee. This is the fourth time this has happened in about two weeks now. My doctor reduced my blood pressure medication, but I don't think that is what causing the problem. I am so full of rage and anger most of the time that I can't seem to eat anymore. I have been trying to hide these things from my husband, but today he found me on the floor of our bedroom. He also doesn't know I am seeing a doctor for depression or that I am taking meds for it. It's kind of my way of gaining control over some part of my life. I am so lonely and sad most of the time, nothing interests me except being alone and using the computer. No one really to hurt me here. Since I have been this angry for over one month now,all I do feel is either anger or numbness, nothing in between. Still can't cry and this really bothers me because I would like to be able to cry again and just release any feelings at all. Thanks for listening

Anger Controls My Emotions

Thank you Ms Puck, I just got your message this morning since I have off from work today and my son is at daycare. I have a lot of free time today,which I relish. You too have made a difference just by responding to my message, and I appreciate it dearly. I guess we have alot more in common than I thought. Anger is such a powerful emotion what we do with it or how we release it I think is what can make the difference. You can rest assure that when I come up with the best way to release my anger you will be the first to know. You really made me feel so much better ms Puck, thanks again. If all we have is communicating with each other online, then I say I am fortunate. Take care of yourself and I will be 47 years old next week. Not that far in age from you.

heya, im new

Hi Emma! welcome to this group. I am new to the program as well, only be here for 3 days now, but it helps to be able to read and share what is really going on inside without feeling afraid of what someone will think. Take care

Anger Controls My Emotions

Hi Desperately Seeking Solace, Thanks for your input. I want to start walking soon,but right now my blood pressure is haywire, and I just have no motivation. My first appt with my doctor was last week and she thinks I should try walking as well. I know this is good advice and I plan to try some sort of exercise as soon as possible, if I don't procrastinate. I never realized how truly debilitating depression can be till now. I know I am not alone, but sometimes it feels that way. What is truly scary is that I work in a mental health center and help others who have severe psychotic disorders. I assess their mental status etc. I just never thought that this disease would catch up to me. I feel embarrased for having these symptoms. I surely know all the symptoms and can provide excellent advice for my clients, but I just can't seem to apply it to me. It seems like one day I was functioning and the next I was consumed in such a depressed state that I had no feelings left inside. I am sure it was slowly building up to this point, I just ignored the signs. I really thought that depressed accompanied tons of intense crying spells, of which I have not had. Actually, for about two months I can't even cry at all. I wish you well and thank you for responding. Talk to you again soon.

Hard to See Negative Thoughts as Distortions

Hi Ms Puck, I typed a reply to you, but before I could send it I touched the wrong key and it was all gone. Maybe it was best that it happened because on this forum I know they will edit your comments if they are too depressing or even think you may be suicidal. I know that when I saw my psychiatrist for the first time almost two weeks ago, I felt sort of angry that she made me feel guilty for even thinking about dying and said what about my son. Just what I needed. If I have to censor my thoughts and feelings then how can I release those "irrational" thoughts without acting on them. I want to be supportive and encouraging to everyone, but it just doesn't always work out like that. She increased Lexapro to 20 mg daily, plus prescribed Vistaril 25 mg and also Rozerem 8 mg for sleep, which she said is supposed to be non narcotic or addictive. I see her again this Friday as well as a psychologist for therapy. Each day I wake up and have to be around other people, even my own family, I can't wait to the evening, just to be left alone. My thoughts of despair are consuming me and this is what truly scares me. I just don't trust my own actions or impulses anymore. I can see from this support group that there are many of us out there who may have different circumstances that preceded are depression, but so similar feelings and thoughts which are painful. I hope for everyone's recovery to a better life. Take care, Wishingwell

My mother

Hi Gabbi, I am new to the program, but many things that you said hit close to home. Today is my birthday and I never even got a phone call from my husband till I called asked if he was picking up our son from after school. He came home after buying a cake and cards for him and our son, but never even hugged me or kissed me. Our life is really pathetic because he pretends in front of others to really love me when in reality I know this is not true. I am not too upset because I am getting used to him not showing any emotion or love at all. We have not been intimate for about one year and I don't even miss it. I hate how he makes me feel inside and how he has taken away my optimistic personality and hope for a happy future. I feel trapped in a loveless marriage and have no one to confind in about anything except a therapist who is paid to do it. I know how a mother or even mother in law like mine can be cruel and makes me feel like crap everytime she visits. You try to please her but she really can't be pleased at all. I have finally stopped trying and that only makes her dislike me more. I am sorry your husband is now being physically aggressive or abusive to you. About 12 years ago before I married my husband, he was an active alcoholic and recovering drug addict. He would go out and drink till he was an angry drunk and when he came home we would argue and end up at times shoving and pushing me down as well. I couldn't take it anymore so I did leave, too bad I returned and ended up marrying him. He stopped drinking and attended AA meetings, but his verbal and emotional abuse never quite ended I can see now. I hope that you don't ever allow him to hurt you again. I will be here if you need anything, just let me know. It's easy opening up and sharing this personal information because I know my identity will probably stay hidden, thank GOD for that. Anyway just know that there are people out there to help you. Take care, Wishingwell