Hello, I'm Abbigail. I've always been a rather high strung individual. It's hard to determine when it became full blown anxiety. For several years I suffered from a severe eating disorder and when I went into remission with it, it seemed that the worst of the anxiety went to sleep too. It was always there boiling beneath the surface but I could ignore it for the most part. In recent months it seems to have reared its ugly head in an alarming way, though, so here I am. I have heard a lot of good things about CBT so I'm very hopeful, and I hope we can all become good friends and eventually get well with our anxiety. :)
Hello, I've been dealing with anxiety for many many years, some years worst than others. I have a history of anorexia, bulimia and depression, but almost a constant staple of my life has been this overwhelming feeling of mourning. When I'm depressed, I usually don't feel sad for any particular, explainable reason but it feels as if I've just lost someone, a child or a very close sibling or friend. I'm a writer and most of what I write comes out having to do with grieving and mourning. This feeling seems to be exacerbated whenever my anxiety flares up. It's the strangest thing and I've never been able to quite figure out why I feel this way.
Maybe in a way, I'm mourning for myself and I've just been too dim to realize it.
Hmmm. Well I'm typically pretty positive, I believe, and I'm quite devout religiously so my personal beliefs are dictate by those of my faith. As for how real it is to me at the time? I think that is a little more difficult a question to answer. Sometimes, I have a hard time making out what is real and what is simply my own skewed perception of events and feelings. For example, I swore up and down when I was younger that I had been in soccer at school, played on a team with my classmates and remembered putting on shin guards. It always made my mother very concerned to hear because she said I had never played soccer a day in my life. They had never allowed us to play on any teams like that as children. Other times, I can't remember important events that I should be able to remember vividly like my high school graduation (only five years ago). Logically, I am aware that I was there but it's only a fact. I can't remember being there, what it sounded like or what took place. And the snatches I think I may remember, I can't trust because it's like I'm watching it on a screen, seeing myself from outside of myself. Memory, for me, is not a dependable thing. It's tumultuous and at best, unreliable. And, I suppose in following with you line of reasoning, since my memory is unreliable, it could be why I struggle to distinguish between what is and isn't real at times. So much of my life, my entire childhood is lost to me. I'm twenty-three and I can't even remember my teachers names or friend's faces from middle school. I remember in fragments, ghosts and snatches of things that I can't even be sure aren't just day dreams. I try not to worry about it though. Surely if I can't remember it, it must not have made much of an impression, huh? Lol
@Ashley I have finished the first chapter? module? on Understanding Panic here and I'm working on the homework now. It's easy to say that I'm working on it but I really am. I'm not avoiding public places. Rather I like to go out, despite the fear and anxiety of crowds. I went to church today, I even rode with strangers. It was nice to get out of the house, despite the anxiety attack that followed on its heels. I have plans to go to the mall with the ladies in my family the day after tomorrow and I'm hoping that eventually, I'll get to be comfortable with going out again. I eat terribly, actually lol. And I don't get much exercise but I do work outside now for between 4 and 9 hours a day and I think it's done me some good to be out in the air. Sleep is something I've always struggled with: making myself actually get in bed (a cause of some anxiety for me, despite how neccessary I know it is), getting to sleep and staying asleep. It's not uncommon at all for me to wake up several times a night but I am keeping to a pretty regular sleep schedule. As for medication, my family is pretty anti-medication unfortunately so I'm trying to doing whatever I can naturally for the moment.
@Davit That makes sense really. Positive thoughts wouldn't cause a fear response. I'm hoping to pinpoint what the negative thoughts I have are specifically so I can replace them with positive ones and thus decrease or even eliminate my anxiety attacks. I know the CBT is crucial to this so I'm looking forward to the first steps forward in my recovery. :)
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