Boy..that was LOOOONG
Good afternoon All,
well…here is my looooooong introduction. Here i am…all of me…and how i think i got in the mess i am in…
Looking back on my life, I guess you could say that I have always been a worrier. As young as the age of ten I remember the phone ringing and if was unable to get to it I would worry. "is this someone calling to bully me?, is this someone calling to tell me a family member is sick?"
I was bullied as a child, never really hand any friends and got myself into an abusive relationship at the age of 14 that lasted until I was 22( thank god that train wreck has been long gone). Self esteem was and still continues be be so very low…despite my husband telling me every day how pretty I am. Somethmes, i feel so worthless and that I'm not good for much.
As i got older things such as driving, flying, etc. made me nervous. I would say a "special" prayer over and over agin in my head to keep me safe. If i was interrupted by someone asking me a question i would be so upset that my prayer was stopped and would then worry I was going to die because the prayer wasn't said just right.
After moving into our first home together, I had horrible thoughts ..not of killing myself but of hurting myself. If i was chopping something in the kitchen, i struggled to not poke my eye out, holding scissors to not chop my hair off, etc..
As of late I am worried about my health. I google, obsess and worry about every little ache and pain.
I did however have a problem earlier in the year that ended up being serious ( when no doctor would take my pain seriously). I just had surgery last week to remove some "lady bits".
Now, i am consumed with the idea i have a heart problem. My heart feels squeezy, headache, dizzy. I can't even go outside to do the things i normally did for fear that this "heart problem" will kill me.
My rational brain tells me this is panic/anxiety the little monkey on my shoulder tells me it is my heart…
This whole situation is slowly killing me inside. I have been following to the tee what i am expected to do on this website..filling in my diary, etc….nothing is helping….
Can someone please reach out to let me know I'm not so very alone.
Cheers,
Jenn
