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Boy..that was LOOOONG

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Shall I change my name to motor mouth. Only 404 words, I must be tired.

Davit

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 4027

Welcome Jenn,

You're not alone. And don't worry about the length of your posts. I like your perfect layout, spacing.

As for Davit's 404 words...

Well I had a massage today and I'm not going to be unreasonable.

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Jenn

It is a thing called associated memory. Now this is kind of deep and you need background information for it to make sense. The problem is that if you go to the net it will give you a bunch of computer junk because high end high speed computers work the same way.

It works like this, when you pick up scissors your mind tells you most of what it knows about scissors, not just what you want to do with them at the moment. Your mind normally locks on what you planned for the scissors and drops the rest unless you actually want to know everything you can do with scissors. Okay so far, does this make sense? All these things are associated memories. And at some time you may actually want one or two. Everything has associated memories. So to extend this the thought that the point is sharp also has things attached to it such as stabbing or cutting. Even though this is not why you are thinking scissors, they are there. Sort of like looking for a book in the library. On either side of the book you want are similar books and even though you found the book you want you are still looking at the books on either side. And you will till you find a reason not to. Distractions, prayers, mantras and anger are a few of the things that work.

You may not believe it but every thing you have experienced from birth is in memory but in stacks with links to similar memories with the most recent on top where they are most handy. Most people have memories they will never use consciously but they are still there.

If a person flew every day they would have so many memories of safe flights that they wouldn't access memories of crashes they might have seen on TV years ago.

But if you don't fly you will. You will depend on associated memories to tell you what it will be like. And crashes will be some of those memories. Courtesy of the news.

This is with everything. It gets worse as you expand your world. But it doesn't have too.

Before you can get farther into this you have to have coping and relaxation skills in place. And you have to know the difference between positive and negative thought.

Welcome to the site and the forums.

Davit

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2508

Hi Jenn,

Welcome to the program and support group.

Red.

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 32

Good afternoon All,

well…here is my looooooong introduction. Here i am…all of me…and how i think i got in the mess i am in…

Looking back on my life, I guess you could say that I have always been a worrier. As young as the age of ten I remember the phone ringing and if was unable to get to it I would worry. "is this someone calling to bully me?, is this someone calling to tell me a family member is sick?"

I was bullied as a child, never really hand any friends and got myself into an abusive relationship at the age of 14 that lasted until I was 22( thank god that train wreck has been long gone). Self esteem was and still continues be be so very low…despite my husband telling me every day how pretty I am. Somethmes, i feel so worthless and that I'm not good for much.

As i got older things such as driving, flying, etc. made me nervous. I would say a "special" prayer over and over agin in my head to keep me safe. If i was interrupted by someone asking me a question i would be so upset that my prayer was stopped and would then worry I was going to die because the prayer wasn't said just right.

After moving into our first home together, I had horrible thoughts ..not of killing myself but of hurting myself. If i was chopping something in the kitchen, i struggled to not poke my eye out, holding scissors to not chop my hair off, etc..

As of late I am worried about my health. I google, obsess and worry about every little ache and pain.

I did however have a problem earlier in the year that ended up being serious ( when no doctor would take my pain seriously). I just had surgery last week to remove some "lady bits".

Now, i am consumed with the idea i have a heart problem. My heart feels squeezy, headache, dizzy. I can't even go outside to do the things i normally did for fear that this "heart problem" will kill me.

My rational brain tells me this is panic/anxiety the little monkey on my shoulder tells me it is my heart…

This whole situation is slowly killing me inside. I have been following to the tee what i am expected to do on this website..filling in my diary, etc….nothing is helping….

Can someone please reach out to let me know I'm not so very alone.

Cheers,

Jenn

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Boy..that was LOOOONG