Thanks everyone for the responses! I'm sitting here this morning looking for apartments to rent in my future new city, and feeling light headed and abit shaky. Its hard to think of what I'm looking forward to when I'm feeling like this. I'm looking forward to new experiences, meeting new people, and hopefully experiencing a different side of myself (feeling the confidence that I used to feel). Doing the same job here, and the same daily routine day in day out, is not helping.
aaaaahhh! at work this morning and so anxious. I think I only slept and hour straight last night. At the back of my mind is the thought that I don't know how long I can deal with this. I know ive been feeling progressively worse because of anticipation for the move. I just feel frozen and scary thoughts are looming in my head. I can't fight this for the rest of my life. I wonder if maybe i need to go up on my effexor.??
Im feeling very out of sorts. My anxiety was so bad this week that I had 2-3 hours 3 nights in a row of sleep. On wednesday I absolutely could not sleep and I woke up feeling terrified. I decided that I can't move and do my Masters in Toronto. It's just to much of a move for me. Its moving out from home, doing 100% everything for myself, and also taking on school full time. I guess it was my body telling me that I can't cope with it. And I don't want to move there and rely on taking anti-anxiety meds and/or sleeping pills just to get through school. What's the point of that.
Needless to say I'm not happy with this decision, but its the best for me. Now I'm feeling overwhelmed. What do I do with my life here. I've pushed through the anxiety and stayed at my job over these past few years. I need a change. I want to feel better, but its been so long trying to feel better. Nothing exciteds me, I'm just going through the motions and acting. I've always been able to pull myself out of a hole and motivate myself, but I'm scared I can't. I'm searching for something inside, outside, to give me a sense of direction.
So I'm not going to move to Toronto to do my Masters. That decision is made. It wasn't easy but I feel like its the best decision for my health right now.
So I need to make some changes to my life right now. I have come to the realization that somewhere in my childhood or adolescence I stopped expressing myself or exploring myself, my interests. I'm not entirely sure why. I know that I was an extreme perfectionist, who spent alot of time studying to get top marks and alot of time focused on what I looked like because I guess this is what I thought would make me happy. I've come along way from there, but its been a tough couple of years. I find it hard learning about myself. Its hard when people tell you to start doing what your interested in, because I'm not sure what I like, or what I'm interested in. I know it sounds strange but I don't really feel alot when I'm doing things. Does this make sense? I know I should just enjoy the process and not focus on the outcome. But I'm afraid that I'll find out that I don't enjoy anything, and then the fear that I'll have to feel this way for the rest of my life comes up.
Hey everyone, thanks for all your comments and suggestions! The last week has been okay. I've been sleeping lots which is probably catch up from the past few weeks before of not sleeping well. Yesterday I felt pretty good at work and was able to concentrate for the most part.
Today I've been unable to concentrate for most of the morning. It's like I read through a few sentences and loose my train of thought and have to go back over and over (very forgetful). I am also feeling really spaced out today. It's so frustrating how one day I can feel okay, and then the next feel like this. These symptoms cause me anxiety. I try not to do the "uh-oh" to them, but its so frustrating when you've dealt with this for years.
Currently I'm taking 100mg effexor and 20mg cipralex (I have been on a slow, gradual taper of effexor over past year). My last decrease was in may 2011. I'm wondering if maybe this mental slowness and forgetfullness is due to the effexor tapering? Will have to talk to the doctor. Anyone have any experience with these meds?
Otherwise I'm exercising every second day, eating well, and doing some neurofeedback therapy at a clinic. Trying to put the frustration aside!! I booked a trip to Las Vegas for early September, should be fun.
I'm noticing some increase in anxiety symptoms today, to the point that I feel quite spacey this afternoon. The only thing I can attribute this to is that I'm planning on moving out from home for next month. Anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with the spaciness that occurs. Logically, moving out is a good step for me, as I've been in my parents ground floor suite for the past 2 yearsm, and I'm moving out with a friend that's moving here. I guess I wonder how I'll cope with my moods.
Its crazy how quickly anxiety comes in on me and then brings me down to a really negative state. I was okay on the weekend and monday. It really came on yesterday when I was thinking of viewing apartments to move into. How do I figure out if this is the right thing for me to do or not. I'm 32 and should be able to live on my own. I know I shouldn't "should" myself, but wouldn't it increase my self-esteem. I just don't want to move out and have this anxiety be really high, and then fail and have to move back in with my parents.
Thoughts!
p.s. I find when I'm in this anxious mode, I go searching for things, thoughts to make me feel better, but nothing seems to.
Thats true about the self esteem bit. I'm hoping I would feel better about myself if I accomplished that goal, and hoping maybe my mood would improve as well. Right now are family house is quite fool because my brother and his wife moved in as well and my brother is probably going through cancer treatment (not sure of biopsy results yet). So they are quite stressed, and the deal was, was that I would move out and let them have the basement suite. I can move upstairs temporarily, however for everyone's sanity, it may be best for me to go.
I feel bad for having a pity party, I just feel sad and down that I have to deal with anxiety and depression, and may have to for the rest of my life. it sucks. I know others have it bad as well, but it feels like 150% daily effort not to get down.
Thanks David, had me a pity party with whine and cheese last night.... and helped a friend study for her exams.
Its funny, I'm not anxious this morning, but I don't have to work and I don't know what to do with myself. It's strange. I'm scared of doing things, activities and continuing to feel withdrawn and disconnected. I guess then I'll have to except that I'm depressed. Why do I obsess so much over my anxiety and depression?
This week I wrote in my journal that I would work out 3 days a week, meditate daily or do deep breathing, and journal. So far I worked out once and only one day of deep breathing over the past 3 days. I'm just sick of doing these things. I don't feel good half accomplishing a goal. But deep down I feel that even if I accomplish this goal, I won't feel good about myself. It's just exhausting. I hate thinking this way, I feel like such a loser! I know I'm not, but I feel stuck.
rainy day ducky
PS. Maybe I just think about these things more than other people do. And thats what's tiring, always having to redirect myself and not focus on my feelings and thoughts.
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