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14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 195

The cycle continues

Wow! Thanks everyone so much for all your responses and nice thoughts. I have to tell you that I started to feel a lot better today. It was gradual, but soon the fears that were there at the beginning of the week have turned into positive thoughts about the weekend. I was so relieved yesterday that I made my quota of 2 sales. Now I do not have to go in Saturday and can spend the whole weekend with my wife, and when my mother and brother visit Saturday. I already have to work next Saturday so I am glad I reached my quota and won't be stuck there this weekend.

Ashley, you asked what I hope to achieve with my appointments: Since it's been so long since I have gone to see her, which is amazing considering that I used to have to go every week, I hope to gain back my strength to where I am not afraid of everything again. Where I don't have to obsess over everything or have cycles of OCD that are so hard to deal with that panic ensues and all the other lovely stuff that goes along with it like dissociation and the related symptoms. I have had some bad things happen to me the past year and a half: My father died Oct 2008, which shocked my whole family; A few short months later, I got stabbed (not literally) in the back by the employer and manager I worked for and was let go for no reason than the fact that they are a crooked business, then a month later the owner tried to get me to pay back the 3 weeks unemployment I collected because she let me go, but did not want me to be able to collect it. I won her childish appeal! If I had lost I would have been humiliated and have to pay it back. The manager actuaklly defened the owner during the unemployment hearing even though she gave a great reference to my current employer: Can you say two face?

Then there was the stress of being unemployed for those 3 weeks and also the 3 week process it took for my current employer to hire me and the stress of the training for my current job. And all this while Seasonal Affective Disorder was really strong this year.

OK, that was a lot to type. Time to get ready for my workout. Thanks again. It meant a whole lot to me to see all the responses and support.

David

P.S. You guys can call me David or if you're comfortable, just keep calling me Wrestler :-)

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 195

OCD therapy

It's so funny, but I finally made another entry to my OCD therapy log. It's almost like I forgot it I started it. I guess I was feeling so good for a couple of weeks that I just did not make an entry. It's funny how when we feel bad it seems like forever even if it's only 2-3 days and when we feel Good for 2 weeks it goes so fast.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 195

The cycle continues

Thanks Ashley.

The sale week is finally over and I ended it by making an unexpected one on Friday. With that behind me, I can now focus better on not letting anxiety get the better of me. I am looking forward to my appointment with my therapist on April 28.

My Mom and brother visited today. Had a nice time. My wife's friend also visited us this morning for a little while.
They all loved out turtle pen and pond in the backyard.

I felt a little anxious earlier today so I took half a diazepam. I also did 27 minutes of cardio on our bike. Tonight I do my triceps workout. All this helps with stress and at the same time, helps my muscles. I have been into weight lifting and exercise since age 14. I am 43 now.

I still feel a bit cloudy about things. I think the reason I feel cloudy in the head is because I had a period of several weeks where I had OCD really bad which led to panic and then dissociation/depersonalization, unreality, and depression. I have a history of having panic attacks and then the result is depression for a period of time following the attack. I know it takes a while to recover from these types of things. While doing yoga a few weeks ago, I realized how confused and anxious I was when trying to concentrate on relaxing.

But then I was thinking about it: I feel more alert than the last few weeks. I know I feel a bit in a daze, but just a few days ago, I was in such a daze/fog that the unreality feelings were so strong. I know the symptoms I have mentioned all have to do with stress and are often our bodies way of safe guarding us, but they feel so darn uncomfortable.

I have also thought about how hard a time I have had with anxiety and intrusive thoughts this winter and now into the spring, and yet I am still here. I also think that feeling more alert can sometimes enhance anxiety.

What do any of you think about what I wrote here? Does any of it sound familiar?

OK, onto my workout. Thanks again to everyone for the support.

David

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 195

The cycle continues

I also have to add to my previous post that this visit by my Mother was only the second time Mom has visited us since Dad died in Oct. 2008. This time it was much more comfortable for all of us. We live about an hour apart and our busy lives make it hard to visit a lot and Mom does not like to drive.

On the subject of my Father, I don't think I factor it in enough about how losing him may be affecting me this year. I sometimes want to throw something like a drinking glass at the wall when I think of him him being gone. There's some anger there. I also have a guilt factor like maybe we did not visit him enough or maybe if we visited him more when he was ill it might have made a difference. Truth is, everyone thought he was going to get better so we all tried to treat him as normal as possible.

I think about these things often and felt I needed to post about it to show the importance of some of these feelings I am having this year.

I also must add that Dad also had OCD.

OK, done for now,

David

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 195

The cycle continues

Davit;

I do take calcium supplements, but I may raise the amount and see what happens. I don't like the confusion feeling.

The turtle pen is 16 feet by 8 feet and is screened in with 4 heavy doors atop and 1 door to get in at the end. It's great fun taking care of them. One of the turtles we have my Father gave us 2 months before he became ill. She always reminds me of Dad. We named her Sunny Shlomo. She's a Florida Box turtle. Look up the name on google and see how pretty they are.

David

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 195

finding confidence

I am sorry I am entering this topic so late. I too have trouble with confidence when my anxiety is highest and that's when the other feelings start seep into my thought pattern. I know OCD plays a large part in my trouble with confidence. It's hard having trouble just shaking a simple thought or song that you may or may not like. This can hamper your confidence abilities.

I use exercise as a great motivator - all types. I get the best feelings from using weights, but I have recently reintroduced my relaxation recordings to my workouts as well as yoga. I know a relaxed mind can lead to a more confident attitude.

I know the worst thing when you're having an anxious moment or longer can be when you think you cannot control it. But you can.

I had a bad morning of panic this past Tuesday and still fear it. I have done much since that day to make it just a memory. But my best advice would be to find your inner calmness.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 195

Starting a new week

Here it is, 9:50 on a Sunday and I am repeating the same things I do every week. I had a nice weekend. I had no panic, but still a little confusion, anxiety and dissociation. But I remember where I was about 3 Sundays ago. I felt completely detached and out of focus. That was the day I worked on the front yard to even out the dunes to get ready for our sod. I also did some other yardwork like mowing the back lawn. By the end of the weekend, I felt a lot like myself again.

Sometimes we forget about how bad we felt and how down we were, but others around us see it differently.

Right now I feel energetic because I just finished my leg workout and we're watching a boot copy of Alice in Wonderland. Just about to have some chamomile tea. But I still feel nervous about the week starting tomorrow. I am nervous about doing my inspection route because of what happened last tuesday with the panic that led to the dissociation.

I know I will have to take a whole diazepam tomorrow. I also know my appointment with my therapist is on April 28 - 2 weeks from this wednesday. I am so looking forward to it. I can talk about this with my wife, but she does not fully understand because she does not have the same anxieties. I thank God for that.

I think back to how well I felt just a few days ago and how I feel now. It's odd how we swing from one feeling to another. Just about a week and a half ago, I felt like saying that I think I am back to normal

Well, I have vented enough.

Thanks to all for listening,

David

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 195

Starting a new week

It's difficult to know why I sometimes make it harder on myself by thinking about bad things that could happen like panic attacks and all the symptoms that I have mentioned in previous posts.

The bottom line with what I experience when I get scared is fear of losing control. I also know that symptoms that go along with being afraid are depersonalization, dissociation, and unreality which is similar to dissociation. I also have read where these symptoms can be our bodies attampt at protecting us from the fears whether they be real or brought on by stress.

I've got a lot to talk about with my therapist in 2 weeks.

I got through today. I started out by making our morning shake with whey, blueberries, greens, bee pollen, peanut butter and rice milk. This gives us a great breakfast and along with our vitamins, a very sound diet.

I waited about a half an hour today before I took diazepam. I took a 5 mg one. it really helped take the edge off even though I bet I could have taken the edge off myself. I then took another half at about 1 pm, but not because I had an attack, but because I wanted to ween off for the day.

Work went well, and Davit, I do enjoy my job, but I have to stop my OCD thinking. Being alone, rushing and having OCD can lead me to negative thoughts. I have to learn again how to let the positive thoughts take over.

I normally get relaxed toward the end of the work day and that happened again today. I came home and then my wife and I fed our box turtle and let her walk around in the rose garden. Then we brought her out front where many roley poleys were in the dirt and watched her eat. I know it sounds gross, but she is such a cute turtle.

I know I have to stop worrying about what was and what did always happen, and I feel reuniting with my therapist will help a lot. It's been more than 3 years since I had a session.

The main thing I am having a hard time with is stability. I want to be back to where I am not scared of everything again. I had a time of about 2 years where my depression never got really bad for an extended period of time. This is why this time is so hard because I had it mostly under control.

But it's time for me to get on the bike and then weights.

Thanks for all the support and please comment more on any things I mentioned,

David

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 195

Starting a new week

Thanks, both of you.

I am not there yet but I feel I am really making progress. If I can just go about another week without having a major panic issue, I think I will become less frightened and be able to get out of this funk. It's only when I have one after the other that the cycle is hard to break.

I worked my butt of in my gym tonight. Twenty Eight minutes of cardio and then it was my day for chest workout. I was going to skip the chest workout, but my wife decided to do cardio after me so she inspired me to do the weights. I was whipped after the cardio. Then we had dinner and finished watching Alice in Wonderland.

Do you guys know what I mean when I say depersonalization or dissociation? I know it can mean different things for different people. Combine the two and you have confusion. Confusion of self, what's around you and the two together create a confidence problem. Mix OCD in with it and that's what so hard about trying NOT to think about it. If I can just focus on normal things and not focus on what is not real (reasons for panic, etc) then I am fine. It's kind of like the movie A Beautiful Mind. My wife helps me sometimes by reminding me that the character in the movie was seeing and talking to people who weren't there. She tells me the same thing about my reasons for anxiety. I always worry about things that most people probably don't even think about. It's kind of like if I do not have anything to worry about, I always fine something.

I've delt with this on and off throughout my life and I always think it's never going to go away and then it just goes. Isn't that weird, but also good? First time I had it really bad was when I was 16. Life was simpler then and I just figured it'd go away. It actually stuck with me for about 8 months, with a few moments of clarity in between. Throughout every episode I haver with it, Exercise has always been a key in feeling better.

OK, I know I have rambled a bit, but it really helps to write.

David

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 195

Starting a new week

I had a really good day today. Even better than how I felt last week. I really did not have any serious anxiety or panic moments the entire day. A little OCD, but nothing serious. I know I can chalk it up to all the exercise I did last night, the therapy of writing on here and receiving such helpful feeback from all of you. I always have had success when I address my problems directly.

To answer your questions: The feeling I have of detachment or dissociation is a feeling almost like I am not even here. Almost like a dream state. I know I am experiencing everything, but it's almost like I feel detached from my body and self in an unreality. It's odd and hard to describe, but I am sure there's a medical term for it.

I did more cardio exercise tonight, but am skipping the weights. LOST starts in 13 minutes.

David

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