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14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 195

Sense of Crazyiness

I saw where you mentioned about not having the ativan with you. This is familiar to me. I take valium, when needed, and I sometimes flirt with not taking any with me if I am going to the store or maybe even somewhere further from home. During stronger moments in my life I used to not even carry it with me some days.

Just a few weeks ago, I got all the way to work (25 miles away) and then realized I did not bring my little plastic bag that has a few pills in it for emegencies. I got nervous and started to worry, but then I remembered I had a couple of old pills hidden in my middle console in my car. But even before I remembered they were possibly in there, I realized that I would still be OK. I told my wife this and she smiled.

I still always try and remember to bring it with me, and just about always do. I am not saying don't carry the ativan with you, but just wanted to share my experience in hopes it would help you realize that you are not alone in thinking you can do without, but it's not a bad thing to have it with you.. I think it's always safe to have it with you, but that is just my opinion. It's only a crutch for some of us, but just the fact of having it nearby gives a little extra confidence.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 195

Anxiety attack at restaurant

OK, it was Monday again, and another episode occurred about 10 am. It was either depersonalization or dissociation.

I was working and was ready to go give a customer the results of the inspection I performed on her house. I then had a short and confusing moment of the makeup of person. It was odd, but not anything I had not experienced before. I believe it was depersonalization, but I also remembered today that I often would dissociate over the years. The best way I can describe it is that I became confused of the mental image I have of myself.

I had not taken any valium since the evening before. I did take my usual triavil that I take at bedtime. But I felt I did not need the valium, but it seems that the right time to take it would be Monday morning being that last Monday morning I had a horrible time during the bad weather and then later that day some panic at work. That was the last sure panic attack I had until this morning. So after the 10 am episode, I took half of one (2.5 mg)

Today's 10 am episode threw me back for much of the day. It started to rain and I had several appointments left and it left me depressed and anxious. I did take another 2.5 mg later in the day when I felt a little shaky.

I should note that we had to have one of our guinea pigs euthanzied on Friday evening. We have lot's pf pets.

In the morning, we fed the pigs and she would not eat and we noticed she was lethargic. She had been acting strange for a few weeks, but still was eating. We took her to the vet where we found out she had a large tumor and was starting to suffer.

The vet recommended we put her down. I immediately began to cry.

That sad day brought me back to a little reality, and it was the weekend, and weekends are my best therapy, but this sad event made my wife and I really sad. I built her a small wooden box and we buried her in our butterfly garden.

I am thinking maybe what happened to me today was a little bit of shock or just business as usual for a Monday in the winter.

Any thoughts?

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 195

Anxiety attack at restaurant

Just as last week, I had a better Tuesday. I did the smart thing at around 6:30 am: I took a whole diazepam. My wife wonders why I take so long to admit I need to take an emergency med. I think this was the first time I have taken a whole diazepam since the summer. I usually take a half and it does the job, and then if I need more I take the other half a half or hour later.

I have also started taking more B vitamins. I sometimes forget how important they are for nerves.

I know the medicine does not do everything, but it really helped me calm down today. When I awoke this morning, I was sad that the night was over and that I had to go to work. I did not want to get out of bed. It's not that I hate my job, because I dont, but sometimes you just like the safety of home.

I got good news at work today. I placed first for the month of January for sales by technicians in our branch office. And I placed third for sales leads. I work for a termite company :). I did not win any extra money, but I do get commision. So that was a nice surprise. I also made another sale today for this month, so I am off to a good start for this month. Sales are an extra duty in addition to the inspections I perform.

I did have a couple of uncomfortable moments today toward the afternoon, but I cannot expect to feel completely symptom free overnight. I have been feeling the dissociation or depersonalization for a few weeks now, on and off, so I know that it takes time.

I have a superstition that is affecting me. If I bring a peanut butter sandwich to work and if I cannot hold out from taking a bite until the afternoon, I usually have an episode in the a.m. Not sure if that makes any sense.

I took a step last night that will help. I contacted my longtime therapist about going in for an appointment. The office is now an hour away from where I live, but she's the best therapist I have ever worked with. When I first walked into her office in 1995, I was a basket case. I was on prozac and triavil and was 2 years removed from my first marriage. I could hardly talk about anything without it hurting. She told me that it would be hard work and I might feel bad certain times, but that I would feel better than I ever have once I started opening up. And I did.

I was seeing her from 1995 to around 2005. 1995-2000 was pretty steady and then as I improved I went less and then went when needed. My last appointment was late 2006. Am I allowed to pat myself on the back for the achievement of not needing therapy for 3 years? :-) I think my wife was a big reason. She's wonderful and helps me.

She was very happy to hear from me and said I can make an appointment anytime. I will have to see how I can work this around my work schedule. I am only in the 6th month of my new job and don't want to make a rep of taking off work too often. February is a busy month. The 6th month is when my review is due and then I maybe get a raise. I think winning the sales contest might help.

OK, sorry for running on, but I had a lot to say, and thanks so much for responding.

David

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 195

morning

Jim,

Yes, I can relate. Derealization sucks, plain and simple. I've had it before and lately I have had a soft touch of it, Mine right now is more depersonalization and dissociation during certain moments during the day.

I woke up dreading the day this morning as well. Read my thread about panic attack at a restaurant.

Hang in there,

David

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 195

Anxiety attack at restaurant

I needed to post again on this topic. I had a small but uncomfortable attack yesterday. I was trying to console my wife and upset myself in the process.

Sunday, we had just finished raking the front yard for a couple of hours and we came inside. We had watched a movie the night before, The Time Traveler's Wife, and I remembered she started crying a lot at the end. So, in my usual pattern, I tried to help her with why she was crying. This only caused my wife to cry some more and then I became anxious and angry at myself for trying to help my wife only to cause her to cry again. I need to learn to stop doing that. What resulted was a small panic attack that I brought on my self. it left me feeling depressed much of the rest of Sunday and even into today at work. I just kind of felt blah all day.

And I am also nervous about tomorrow because we have sales training with about 65 people in the group. I know I will do fine and will be OK. I also like it because I don't have to drive all the way to work tomorrow. The training is the next town over and not the 30-minute drive I always have to do.

Once tomorrow is over, then the fun begins because LOST is on Tuesday night.

OK, I started this post feeling scared and really like that I ended it positively.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 195

Anxiety attack at restaurant

Thank you both for the responses. I am feeling a bit better than yesterday, but still kind of in a daise. I was so busy at work today that I never got to eat lunch, but I also never had a chance to have any panic attacks either :-)

I spoke to my mother around midday and she helped coach me on a couple of things that have been bothering me. She is amazing.

I ended my evening on here, but not before working my biceps nearly to failure. It was my best biceps workout in quite a while. I chose the name wrestler some time ago because of my love for exercise and that I also used to wrestle in high school and like pro wrestling.

I also washed the dishes as my wife worked on her school work. She teaches elementary school.

So I have to say it was a positive day. I realize I over reacted by taking too much valium during the sales training. I nearly took 10 mg for the entire 9-hour session. I think that is one reason I am still a bit woozy. I did take 2.5 mg this morning just to calm before work. I knw it is there when I need it, but I want to be able to get back to when I did not need it just to be in a meeting with a lot of people. I know when the days start to get warmer and longer, things will get better. That does not mean they cannot get better soon than that, but I do tend to have Seasonal Affectiver Disorder and OCD pretty bad this year.

Thanks again for the nice responses and I will let you know how I progress tomorrow.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 195

Feeling nearly 100% and then bad anxiety again

I know many have experienced this.

I was feeling nearly my normal self just a few days ago and then a stressful day at work midweek sent me into a state of panic and worry a whole day and then it led to an unexpected anxiety attack (maybe out of relief) driving home from work friday.

Since friday, I have felt anxious at times to very anxious, but kind of normal when I exercised earlier today. I just need a solid middle ground and no more of these sways back and forth. I also have realized that I have carpal tunnel in my left wrist so I stopped exercising for nearly 3 days to rest it.

The bad feelings this week started Tuesday when I suddenly felt a sense of dread and wondered what bad feelings would soon follow. I started to wonder what would cause me to feel bad again. I really hate when I do that to myself.

Then bad news on wednesday when a client of the company I work for had sent a letter about me and my co worker that we performed less than satisfactory on Saturday on the property he is proxy for. I was then told that this nutty client has blasted just about anyone from our company who has ever had dealings with him, so that made me feel a bit better, but I have never had a customer personally write a letter to someone in management about me negatively, so this left me unsettled all day. I had 3 conversations with co workers throughout the day and they all said this was normal from this certain client and they wondered why I was still obsessing over it. This helped a lot and I have not muttered another word about it to anyone at work. But needless to say, the stress from this obviously played a part in my anxious days and I am still recovering.

I have felt a bit panicky and also kind of depressed. I have moments of unreality and then sudden moments of feeling really good. see what I mean about wanting a middle ground of calm?

But my wife and I had a nice day today in total.

OK, that is my story for now. Please share any helpful experiences :-)

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 195

Feeling nearly 100% and then bad anxiety again

Thanks for all the kind and helpful thoughts. Sorry so late in responding back.

I have an addition to add to my post. It's been 10 days since I made that post about my anxiety attack on my way home from work. In those ten days, I began doing yoga again. It wasn't 2 days before I cleared my head of many bothersome thoughts and fears.

I decided to start the yoga again because it's what worked for me many times. It's only for about 15 minutes and I focus on my breathing and stretching deeper into stretches as my breathing relaxes me. I was always very good at yoga. So now I have mixed it into my workouts. I had a pretty good week once I started the yoga. The carpal tunnel I mentioned has improved. I am now back to my weight workouts.

OK, here's what happened today. I was doing my job at inspecting for termites when I suddenly became confused and started to dissociate or feel derealisation on the way to one of my stops. And while I was doing the next inspection, I became confused while doing the paperwork in the office I was inspecting and felt like panicking. I began to tap my foot as I wrote just to distract myself. It worked. It was scary, but I dug in and got through it. I had taken 1/2 a valium, in the morning and half just before I went to this stop. Then I remember that I had just eaten lunch about an hour before and maybe my blood sugar played a part in this. Whatever happened, I nearly panicked, but tried to convince myself that I did not need to and did not.

But I went on with my day and finished strong and came home to my wife. I walked in the door and she asked me what was wrong. Now does she know me or does she know me? LOL I guess my body language gave it away. I felt exhausted and when she saw me she knew something was wrong. It's funny how her jesture made me feel calmer. Then I had to go back out because I forgot to go to the pharmacy. That was another experience that angered me. They never seem to get it right. There's always something that holds up my order.

But I finished my night off a few minutes ago with some yoga and then rode the bike for 15 minutes.

Thanks for listening,

David

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 195

Feeling nearly 100% and then bad anxiety again

Thanks for the responses. And thanks for saying that about my wife. She's the nicest person I have ever met and luckily I married her :)

What did getting through that day mean to me? Well, my answer is good and a little bad. I know it gave me some confidence while at the same time scaring me. But being that I went right on with my day and did not have a full anxiety/panic attack, it was a success. But I am feeling the after effects. I feel kind of blank, depressed and a bit out of touch. Today I felt OK and went about my day with my inspections. But what usually follows any anxiety is depression. I remember listening to the radio today (talk radio) (about 4 pm) and I kind of got lost in what they were saying at a traffic light. I was listening very carefully and focused. It was almost like I had forgotten I was not feeling that good. Then when I started to think again, I felt a little out of body/dissociation/depersonalization. But this kind of thing normally follows any kind of anxiety I have. But I am not letting it win. I also get this feeling sometimes when I am going through a depressive stage that very good feelings are just a short time away. I had that this afernoon and am having it now.

I then came home, had some whey and worked out. Just finished. Now it's time for dinner. I guess I am also a little down because I have to work half a day Saturday.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 195

OCD therapy

Hello again everyone,

I have been reading over the panic program, and while it's helpful I know it cannot be everything for everyone. In reading some of my posts, I am sure you know I do have panic disorder, but it's tied in with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. This then leads to depression and all the other symptoms like dissociation, etc.

I can trace OCD all the way back to my childhood when I would obsess over something that was said, but I may not have heard corrected. So I would ask the person that said it to repeat it. I know this may sound normal to some, but it was very annoying at that age. I had a feeling like something bad would happen if I did not ask to person to repeat it.

This continues into present day. My wife might say something, and because I either am daydreaming or just in a daze, or maybe I just wasn't listening, I feel the strangling urge to find out what she or whoever said it, said.

I do find that when I just let it go, and do not succumb to the anxiety of having to know, it's a release and it actually makes me feel better, like I have accomplished a goal or overcome a nagging anxiety. But this does not happen all the time. There are times when the urge is just too strong and I have to ask and then I feel defeated and that something bad will happen like another panic attack or maybe something bad to me or a family member.

The reason for my post is that I am now going to log down the things I have OCD over. I have already started it and I am calling it my OCD therapy symptoms. Maybe if I can become more aware of these thoughts and how silly they are and write them down and keep a daily or weekly log, I can overcome some of them and possibly all of them in time.

It's been a nice day so far. I did have to work for 3 hours this morning, but since I have been home I have cleaned our small turtle tank and am about to go out and work on our front lawn because we are planning laying some sod soon.

Thanks for listening,

David

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