I really don't know what to say.

I decided to join this group as sort of a stop gap remedy until I can get into this private stress and anxiety clinic in a month or so. I've been around the mental health industry for over half my life, but the past 8 or so years not really at all. It's time for a tune up. So I'm here. I'm not currently medicated, because all doctors want to do is give you SSRIs but they make me suicidal. So I'm muddling through with the help of my doctor, my husband, my friends, and hopefully you. I look forward to talking to anyone who might care.

can't motivate myself

For me, staying motivated isn't easy but it's made easier by a little tip I learned from flylady.net (a home organization program of all things.) I can do anything for 15 minutes. When it comes to doing work assigned by my doctor or the session work here, I set a timer for 15 minutes. I work at it diligently for 15 minutes. Sometimes I stop after 15 minutes, but more often than not I keep going until it's all done. This works for mental health work as well as the more unpleasant tasks around the house.

Pleasant activities?

I'm the married mother of none, but I find myself in the "not a whole lot of time" boat as well. I work 40 hours a week, with a 45 minute commute at either end of those 40 hours. One of my treatment goals is make some of my scheduled activities also about spending time with him. My husband works the third shift, so he doesn't get up until I've been home from work about two hours, and I'm gone in the morning before he gets home. That leaves us about 3 hours on Friday night, 3 hours on Saturday and Sunday mornings and 3 hours on Saturday and Sunday nights to actually do something pleasurable together. As silly or obvious as it may seem, but sometimes we have sex during our time together. Sometimes we go out for breakfast together. With being up so early on Saturday mornings, we go to the Farmer's Market that is not far from our house and stock up on local produce. (This also helps my goal of eating better, lotsa fresh fruit and veggies!) We both got bicycles, so we try to go for an hour long ride on one of our mornings together. My friend who has two kids makes a girls' night out a priority once every month, where the guys/grandparents are enlisted to watch the kids, and they go and do something... movie, play, concert, drinks at a lounge, just something "grownup" to do. Maybe that's something to consider?

Work stress

I've struggled with letting go of the work day, and the crap I put up with from the other people I work with, not the clientele. Something that my counsellor suggested was to walk in the house, immediately strip off my clothes and get in the shower to wash the work day away. She also suggested that if I didn't have a uniform (which I don't, but you might) that there should be clothing that I only wear to work and never during my off work hours. It hasn't completely worked, but I certainly am more calm when I get out of the shower and feel clean and fresh. Sometimes I cook my dinner in my pjs if I don't have to be somewhere else! I've been through CBT before, and if there's one thing I have to remember it's that it's all about changing what you do, and not about trying to force change in how you feel. I cannot think my way into better action, so I have to act my way into better thinking.

Am I missing something? Treatment Goals and Plans

Okay, since we can't go back and look at the notes on the Session we are working on (I'm on the homework for Session Two, Treatment Goals, Plans and Pleasant Activities) I set 5 goals that are where I want to be 15 weeks. 1) To take better care of my appearance 2) To have a cleaner, tidier home 3) To make the most of the little time I have with my husband 4) To get more exercise/be more health conscious 5) To get a new job. The homework, it seems is to develop 3-5 treatment goals, develop one treatment plan and schedule one or two pleasant activities. Is that really it? Because for the first treatment goal, I've only got like 6 steps I need to do. In fact if I added up all the steps I need to take for ALL my treatment goals, I don't think they would add up to 30. Or is the point to start working on the treatment plan for one treatment goal, including the pleasant activities, for this week? Because this all seems way too simple, and the only thing holding me back is the 40 hours of grinding unpleasantness at my work that leaves me tired, exhausted and crying for an hour after I leave there.

Am I missing something? Treatment Goals and Plans

Am I not sick enough to get any feedback?

Am I missing something? Treatment Goals and Plans

Okay, what I am not clear on is if the only expected outcome of this week is to have 3-5 goals and a treatment plan for one of them, and schedule two pleasant activities and that's it, or if I am supposed to start enacting the treatment plan this week. My 5 goals only have 5 or 6 steps, and they're more like habits or maintenance behaviours rather than something I do just once and never have to look at it again. So I've been trying to integrate Step One from each of my 5 Treatment Plans (that I've already written and that's where it feels like I'm cheating the program here) and most of those Treatment Plans include scheduling something pleasant. And secondly, what I meant is that you can't go back to Session One and look at all the reading material or where they outline the homework. You can only look back on what you graded yourself and how your week was and pointing out how you may or may not be feeling. It doesn't give a review of the homework or the notes to get you there. I don't want to get ahead of myself (and the program here) and set myself up for failure, so that's why I am asking if I'm supposed to slow it down and only do one goal at a time.

Dealing with the Medical Establishment.

My GP sent me to an appointment today for what I was told was a referral to a specialized Anxiety and Stress CBT program. It ended up being a psych evaluation, during which I was informed that I do not have any "definable" depressive or anxiety disorder, because I don't have any of the symptoms of the major depressive disorders nor the symptoms of any of the major anxiety disorders. I cannot be fit in a box. Add to that my inability to take any medication involving the reuptake of serotonin and my previous adverse reaction to Welbutrin, and I'm essentially "untreatable in the traditional fashion". (His words, not mine. Since the vast majority of my anxiety and related depression is centered around work and co-workers, he decided that my problem is narcissistic, histrionic and adjustment maladaptive personality traits, but very clear that I did NOT have any of the associated "disorders". He discouraged one-on-one CBT and medication and instead wants to send me to group talk therapy to learn interpersonal and social skills. I am absolutely irate. I have had very, very bad experiences with group therapy, and generally back-slide rather than move forward in this type of therapeutic setting. This appointment is not what I agreed to and it is not where I want to go. My anxiety is based around the fact that I'm fearful that I suck at my job and it's a sign that I am in the wrong job. I can live with that. One of my goals is to get out of this damn job because it's not well suited to someone like me. This appointment has totally thrown my goals and plans off kilter. I feel as though everything I want to do and everything I want to be in the future has been kicked to the ground and stomped on with the words "Your personality will never allow you to be anything." I've been in and out of the mental health system for more than half my life at this point and this is the first time I've EVER heard this. I'm so angry and confused, and I now I have to go back to my doctor and tell her that we need to start all over. I feel as though I'm getting no where with this, and it's all just a waste of time, because at the end of the day, I'm still going to hate the things about my job that make me hate it. And that's the beginning and end of it all.

Dealing with the Medical Establishment.

This doesn't mean I can't get the therapy I want, it just means that I'm probably going to have to go through another waiting list for a different program and that might be more difficult to find. I don't want to spend half of my mental health insurance entitlement trying to find the right fit... but that is a possibility.

Dealing with the Medical Establishment.

This career counselling thing is looking better by the moment. I've been doing my research, finding companies I want to work for rather than trying to find the right posted position. We'll see if the shotgun approach works any better. I'm going to look into it, and add it to my treatment plan for the goal of finding a new job.