So frustrated...

Hi guys! I'm new here, and I found you because I didn't know which other way to turn. I have suffered with panic for about 6 years now. My panic showed up along with my second pregnancy and at first I had no idea what it was. By the time the baby was 6 months old I ended up in the hospital for medication adjustment. I took the meds for 4 years while I was mostly house bound. The only thing I did was go to college and struggled with every class. The meds made me so mellow people didn't recognize me and my life was nothing but a string of pills. In Jan 2001 I found out I was pregnant again. As silly as it sounded I had hope that it was this pregnancy that will take my panic away. Meanwhile my life suddenly complicated with us getting custody of 3 other children(long story) 4, 2 and 3 mos old. Everyone thought I was going to lose my mind since I was also pregnant. I stopped all meds the day I found out I was pregnant. And I was panic free. For the first time I started taking my kids to their activities and going to school by myself. My son was so happy that "mom learned how to drive". I took 6 kids to baseball games karate and dance. I took them everywhere. My life was stressful but I loved it. I had become the super mom I always wanted to be. I even bought a new car! Then a year and a half later I had a panic attack coming back from Walmart. I haven't driven since. My kids miss me and I feel like such a failure. I had to take them out of all activities because I can't drive. Not only that but I can't even go with them if their father is taking them. I am so frustrated!!! How can I fail like this? I don't want to take meds again. I liked my new me. I had so much energy and I lost 40lbs even though I was pregnant. I look great, my kids are wonderful and I graduated college with my mom and grandma cheering me on. It seems like this is the year where I have achieved all my goals. So why do I have the attacks? Is it that the babies are older and I am not keeping myself totally stressed at all times? Am I finally getting enough sleep and this is wrong? Can someone shed some light on this? Sorry about the long message but I don't know where to turn. This condition has taken over my life and I am losing hope fast. Thank you!

exposure work?

I found your site only a couple of days ago and I immediately started the program. I was talking to my fiance about it and how I didn't think I could ever do exposure work. He reassured me that when the time comes I would do ok. Yesterday I was arrested out of the blue and forced to ride handcuffed in a police car with two strangers ACROSS THE BRIDGE!!! They refusd to stop or call an ambulance and I fainted from hyperventilating so bad. It was the worst day of my life. The charges turned out to be fase and I was relased with no consequences. Now you have to understand that I am so scared of being trapped that I get anxious if my pants are too tight. Needless to say I survived the ride there (half hour) and the ride back. It was all like a bad movie. The only thing I could think of was "this is some cognitive behavioral therapy". Anyway,what I'm affraid of now is that I might not even attempt exposure work due to this bad experience. At the same time in a sick way it's funny to find out that if you are forced to, you can have several panic attacks and survive them all. Especially if you are living a nightmare.

Help on mastering my fear of another panic attack

I was also panic free for two years. When I had my first attack it helped to blame it on something else. So I said it must be becuase I didn't eat, or I spent too much time thinking about this, or I am stressed out, or I didn't sleep enough. That helped me isolate the incident and convince myself it was just a fluke thing. So you might want to try that. Find a rational reason for it, something that you could easily change, like eating breakfast. Good luck!

Is there a pattern?

I have studied the panic issue ever since I got the first one and I noticed there are some patterns. However, none of the stuff I read mentions anything about this. I noticed that every panic attack I have starts with a feeling of anxiety, having a nervous feeling or some other physical symptom. If I distract myself meanwhile the feeling goes away. For example I decide to clean or vacuum or do a load of laundy. But when I get back to where I was (relaxed) the feeling comes back. I can "trick" my attack this way but it eventually comes no matter what I do. However, I notice I only have one major attack a day. I don't know ho to best explain this...but if I have a major attack I seem to be ok all day. Is this just something that happens to me? Or is this another one of those things I invented to help me get through my problems? Is anyone experiencing the same thing?

Dissociative symptoms

WOW! What a revelation! I remember being little and having those feelings. Of course back then my imagination was wild and I thought I was taken over by aliens or who knows what else I came up with. But yes I remember it. I don't remember having panic attacks though. I was a very emotional child and I was always affraid of the dark and affraid of unseen things like spirits and ghosts. I did have a traumatic event happen where we had an earthquake and I walked outside to see a building collapse and it was just terrible. I was 4 years old and that is the first memory I have of being alive. Could it be that my dissorder is all rooted in this? And was I having anxiety as a child and nobody knew it? I think I could deal with this a lot better if I could justify that I didn't just "lose it" over night.

The smart disease

Being on this board only recapped what I knew. Panic happens to smart people. Everyone on here is educated and seems to pretty much have their lives together, except for panic. If this disease is mostly in our heads then why can't we just talk it out of our heads. Most people say I should get used to panic and learn to live with it. I was told panic disorder is like diabeties and you live with it for the rest of your life. Yeah but here is the trick. All diabetics take insulin, some take N some take R some take both. They take it allways at the same time, they don't eat sugar and they monitor their intake of carbs and protein.Ok, I CAN live with that. They don't have to try this type of pill or that, they know they have a condition and they know when and how it works. But no, not panic disorder. With panic we have to learn how to not let the panic work. We have to make mental changes. There is no science, there is no rational treatment or explanation. I was once told by a shrink that panic only happened to smart people. He said that if I was stupid and ignorant when I felt my heart pounding I would get a drink and go on with my life not wondering why that happened. So if we're all sooo smart why can't we just tell our brains :stop! this doesn't make any sense! I don't like this feeling and I know there is nothing at the mall to be affraid of! Sorry to ramble on but I am so mad at myself for not being able to win this battle. I am the problem solver in my family, I always win or if I don't I always have a rational explanation of why I didn't win. However, I haven't been able to even win a battle against this disorder let aone to win the war.

The smart disease

That does sound like an interesting book. At one point I pictured attacks as a monster trying to enter my body and I used to tell IT get away from me I'm not affraid of you. I used to even chant that in my head until the attack subsided. But then again the rational (sometimes too rational) person that I am, wouldn't allow me to argue with useen things. I did notice however that my panic gets worse when I loose control in my life. For example when I don't have a job and I can't control how much money comes in, or when other things make my life not so perfect. So maybe this is the trick. Maybe we are focusing on the wrong stuff. Maybe we should all learn how to let go or how not to let so many things get in. Oh, I don't know...I'll post a pole to see if this is a common thing :-) Thanks for answering you guys. This board has really helped me a whole lot.

Ok, let's take a poll...

Does that crooked picture on the wall drive you just crazy? Do you get out of bed to clean that cob web because it's just not allowing you to fall asleep in that corner of your room? Do you just wish that people would start teaching their kids values? I'm sure if you're like me you spend most of your time trying to make everything just right. Here is the idea. I started thinking that maybe this is one of the causes of panic attacks. Maybe we're trying to be perfect in a imperfect world and when things don't work out we suffer inside untill our bodies say "enough! all this agravation has to come out so you're going to have a panic attack and go on with your life". In this case maybe the panic program is right, we have to challenge our thoughts, but not the thoughts of panic but rather the thoughts that we are not allowed to feel this way. Maybe we have to learn how to let go. That's why I wrote this. I wanted to know if this is the disease of perfection. We already know it affects the smart people. Maybe there is something that we (the people who actually suffer with this) can think of that would help us. See, the people who make the drugs and do the therapy do not have panic attacks. They can tell you what the experts say and what research shows. I watched that show on HBO about panic attacks and I cried the whole time. My boyfriend and my friends were looking at me as if I was nuts. That's because I was the only one who knew what that poor woman felt when she was abandoned in traffic in the name of therapy. I just wanted to reach through that TV and pull her off the highway. So we're the only ones who can actually think of answers to our problems. Yes, the therapy and the drugs work but there have to be some common triggers that we all experience that would help us learn more about this. Even with a therapist it's hard to tell him or her what really bugs you. And when you do they try to diagnose you with obssesive compulsive disorder. What I'm trying to say is that maybe if we could tell people who understand what really bother us (like the fact that my boyfriend never dries his back when he gets out of the shower :) ) maybe we could let go of some silly issues and ease our minds and learn to let the world be and maybe let ourselves be and that way maybe th

Ok, let's take a poll...

Maybe that is the kind of CBT we should do :). Maybe the therapy should be that under no circumstances can you make your bed for a whole week. Or how about have people come over but you are not allowed to vacuum? I'm getting silly now but I'll tell you what. My boyfriend has that attitude and it drives me crazy! For example he tore up the bathroom to put a new tub in it, last TUESDAY!! The bathroom cabinets and stuff are in the living room the toilet is full of dust. You have to put shoes on to go potty. He's answer is...at least you can take a shower and use the toilet. Oh yeah and you're going to love it when it's all done! Now if that was me I would stay up day and night and finish it, but not him...So how does he do it? How do people just look at the bright side? How can you just go to sleep when you're tired when the house is a disaster? :confuse:

At the end of my rope

I am writing this because I don't know which other way to go. This has gotten really bad. Today I tried to go to the store and get my daughter some fake nails she asked for. I tried to go twice and came back. The store is about 3 miles away from my house, straight road and plenty of stops. I couldn' do it. I can't do much anymore. Some things...like my kids needing something always made me get over the attacks and do it anyway. But this time I couldn't go through with it. I wasn't even driving, my friend was. I haven't been driving in about 2-3 months now. I feel myself getting more depressed with more incidents that I have. I feel so hopeless and useless. At my age I've had a life that not only can I write a book about but I can make a sequel too. I have 6 kids. I deal with stress, diapers and all kinds of crisis. But I can't take my kids to the doctor, I can't take them to school if they miss the bus, I can't drive them to a party. This really stinks anymore and I'm starting to think that they might be better off without me. I made an appointment to see the doc but they couldn't get me in until the 20th. And that is for intake.And will I even be able to go there? I know I'm rambling on but I guess I am hopig for some words of encouragement from someone. Can any of you tell me that things will get better? Is there ever going to be life without this? If there really is a light at the end of the tunnel I think they turned it off to save electricity.