Hi there!

I'm 37 and live with my partner in Cambridge, UK. We've been together for nine years and I'm a fairly calm and happy person who enjoys the pleasures of life. I've had panics since I was 17 (more years with than without them!) The first one happened when my parents were away for the weekend and a boyfriend had let me down. It was a classic, heart racing, feeling something is very wrong but you don't know what, completely out of the blue naked panic. It kept happening and I was very scared and conviced I was going to die. I went to all kinds of doctors and ERs. Everybody told me a different story, low blood sugar level, problems with the vegetative nervous system, all kinds of things, but nobody mentioned that the problem might be in my head rather than my body. I was convinced I was very very sick, if only they'd finally find what was wrong with me. I also suffer from an irritable stomach and ulcers, which can make your chest feel compressed and causes all kinds of sudden mysterious pains. Again, the stomach problems were only properly diagnosed as such after several years of going from doctor to doctor, but by then the anxiety and panics were very much part of me. I get phases when I'm ok for months in a row, then it gets worse and I have an attack almost every day. There are two main scenarios that set me of: 1) A sudden pain in my chest. Ok, I KNOW this is most likely caused by my funny stomach and it doesn't mean I'm going to die, but once the adrenalin hits you your in for the ride, and the feeling vulnerable and doomed afterwards can last for hours, no matter how much I try and talk sense to myself. 2) Being in a situation where I can't easily get out or to "safety". This can be social or physical, and can even be something I really enjoy. Classics would be rambling in the mountains (How would an ambulance find me up here?), being stuck in a traffic jam (Hours before I can reach home), or a trip to the seaside with friends (What if I start feeling unwell and want to go home? I'd spoil everybody's day!) I force myself to go out and do things, but very often it gets quite traumatic and I'm scared days ahead. I draw a line at flying though - I've just had one panic attack on a plane too many! I had always been angry with myself for being so s

Flight or Fight !

Yes, I've noticed this too! I never have panic attacks when I'm down with a cold! I always thought it's because my panics are often triggered by stomach problems, and for some reason my stomach is just fine when I've got a cold. But maybe the body is just using up all the excess energy/adrenalin/whatever for fixing itself.

Guys, tell me i'm silly!

Hi Beth, I know how you feel, I'm supposed to go to a party in three weeks' time to meet an old friend, which would involve a flight, and I just can't do it. Don't know what scares me more, meeting the friend and all the social expectations etc, or the flight... Anyway, just wanted to say, you write: > More ridiculously, i'm afraid that i'll chicken out, > and keep doing this, and be single FOREVER! I'm only > 23, i should be having healthy relationships!! Says who? You're you're own person! You don't have to do anything! You stay single or you meet someone when it's right for you, but there's no law to say you have to become Ma Walton or else there is something wrong with you! Marianne

Guys, tell me i'm silly!

Thanks Beth, it's so nice to be able to share this sort of thing! I sometimes feel such a freak, everybody I know wouldn't think twice about hopping on a plane and flying to the other side of the globe, as long as it's cheap and there's a party going on! No points for guessing what I do about the party... I mailed them yesterday and said I couldn't come, too much stress. Chicken! I feel such a coward, just imagine how nice it would be to be able to just do it! I'd love to hear more about your comfort zone. What kind of things can you do, and what is impossible for you? Mine is weird, for example I can go on bike trips on my own to quite remote areas, as long as I can turn back any time I like and have my medicines and mobile with me. But earlier this year I completely freaked out when I was in a lovely seaside resort with two train journeys between me and safety (i.e. home, bed, hot bath, camomile tea etc), and the next train was only going in three hours time. I freaked! I wanted out and couldn't! My therapist once said I'd probably be ok on a plane if I could fly it myself! I just re-read your first posting in this thread and I really recognise the feeling after hanging up the phone. I do that all the time. I make plans with people and get all excited and feel all 'normal', then as soon as I get a second to myself I go aaaaaargh! I can't do that! I mean, I could just have said no straight away. Why go through the rigmarole of saying yes, I'll come to the stupid party?? I look forward to hearing from you! Marianne

Hi Everyone

Urgh, PAs in grocery stores suck! Bleurgh! Well, they suck everywere, really. Love the story about the shopping cart! Cherry, I'd love to know more about your fears when you were a child. Does anyone else find they were agoraphobic as children? I know in theory you have your first panic attack in your late teens or early twenties and from then on you start avoiding certain situations etc, but I find I've been agoraphobic for all my live. Yes, the panic attacks started when I was 17, but I've always had problems spending the night away from home. When I was little I couldn't even sleep over at the neighbours' flat, three steps away from our own front door. At twelve I cried through a whole weekend staying with a French family. At 13 I ran away from a school trip on the first day because I couldn't bear being away from the safety of my room. At 14 I had to take all the cuddly toys from my bed (loads!), my tape player (these were the days before walkmen!) and all my Elvis tapes with me so that I could bear going on holiday with my parents. Elvis had just died then and I was convinced he was protecting me from heaven. Some weird teenager I was! I'd love to hear what other people's experiences were as children! Marianne

About this forum

You guys are right! And I never noticed! Wow! It's the OBLIGATION thing that sets me off as well! I'm perfectly happy doing all kinds of things on the spur of the moment, but as soon as if I've made an arrangement with someone else, or sometimes even myself, the "What if..." train of thought kicks in. "What if I want out?", "What if I get a PA?" etc. Is this a 'losing control' thing?

Guys, tell me i'm silly!

Hi Beth, Hi Suzy! Errrm, Beth, I'm actually a tiny little bit older than you, I'm 37. Having said that, I don't feel very different from when I was 23, or 16, for that matter. It's probably the life situation more than the age. I'm not married, I don't have any children, I live with my boyfriend, and I've never entered a proper career. After doing psychology at university I've now been in IT Support for the past nine years, but that's a kind of 'get up and go whenever you like' type job. I wonder if this choice of lifestyle has anything to do with the fear of being 'tied down', unable to get out. Like having kids: just the idea of being pregnant completely freaks me out. Can you imagine having something in your body that you can't get out for nine months? If in month 4 you go panicky and decide you didn't want a child after all - tough! And then having to be with and look after another person for the rest of your life? NO WAY! Taking a plane to Australia would be a doddle in comparison! Anyway, just needed to get this of my chest, I want to reply about the comfort zone and the flying etc but have to get some work out of the way first... ;) M.

Guys, tell me i'm silly!

Hello again, Beth, this may sound stupid but I was really touched by you supporting me in the not going to the party thing. Everybody else always seems to say go on, give it a try, you can do it, stiff upper lip, etc. It makes such a difference - it makes it kind of ok not to go, it's almost like I need someone's approval for what I do, it just feels better! So THANKS! I think you're really lucky to have all those people around you, a mobile comfort zone. I'm ok with my boyfriend around, he is part of my comfort zone when I'm at home, but I can't go on holiday with him. You're probably right about the undivided attention thing, when I'm on holiday with him he's forever reading leaflets and checking out train times and leaves me alone for hours on platforms in train stations. Well, he's done that quite a few times when we were on holiday. I'm not at my best in strange towns with hours between me and home, stuck there waiting for a train or a plane, and he just wanders off. Could have killed him! He 'knows' about my panics, but because he's never had one he doesn't really 'understand'. I have a friend who also has panic attacks and I feel very comfortable with him. I could easily imagine going on holiday with him as my comfort zone, but because of his particular disorder he freaks when there is someone with him, so quite the opposite of me. So basically no holidays for Marianne. (Sniff, fiddles in the background€¦). I don't think you're selfish at all about wanting undivided attention. When you're having a panic attack it feels like you're not going to survive (although some part of you knows you will) and it's the most natural thing in the world to want undivided attention when you feel like you're going to die. Anyway, I'll be alone all next week (brrr€¦). You wrote before that you had been alone for a week not long ago and that you got through it with flying colours. I'll be taking you as an example! Hope I can do just as well as you did! I'm toying with the idea of going to the seaside and spending a night in a hotel there, kind of as an exposure exercise. Now I'm all brave, sitting by my computer and looking at pretty pictures of pretty hotels, but I can just see me chickening out at the last minute€¦ Suzy, you're a miracle, you are so upb

Tension tremors

Dear Havetremor, This must be awful. I really feel with you. I wanted to ask you, are you really certain in your own mind that there is nothing physically wrong with you? I had a similar experience, not with tremors but with chest pains, and although everybody kept telling me everything was ok I just didn't believe them. I kept thinking they just didn't look properly, and I was really very very sick. I think it is important to get it absolutely straight in your mind that you are safe, you are not physically ill, and you are not going to die. Well, you are at some stage, but not right now - you know what I mean. All the best, Marianne

Sleeping changing state of mind??

Morning everybody! It's 06:50 am over here and I've been awake for the past three hours worrying about going on holiday for a few days (yawn). Anyway, Weary, I was wondering, are you overweight or do you eat your last meal late at night? Some years ago I had exactly the same problem you describe. I'd go drowsy and start falling asleep, not a worry on my mind, then I'd wake up with a jerk, adrenalin rushing, heart pounding, etc. It wasn't a panic attack, I know what they feel like. I was about two stone overweight at the time and a doctor told me I had sleep apnoea, ie you stop breathing for a few seconds. Loads of people have it, and after losing the extra weight and not eating late at night I'm fine now. Also, many people have this sudden shudder, a bit like an electric shock, as they fall asleep. I always thought I had some weird disorder, but since then I've shared a room with quite a few people who have it. Nighty night. Marianne