You're wise to know you need to ask for help now. And it's good to be mindful of what a big step it is for you as an otherwise self-sufficient, intelligent person who has done a brilliant job of hiding your addiction. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. You know the truth, and you've gotten yourself into a place where you know you need to change. You know you're only acting the part of a sober person. You're playing a role. It isn't reality. The surprised reactions your getting now from friends and co-workers is a credit to your skill as an actress. Nothing more. Recognizing that is a very big and important first step toward recovery. You're on your way, even if you don't feel like it yet because the alcohol keeps whispering to you, trying to confuse you. Have you tried AA, and specifically a women's group? You'll meet kindred spirits who are struggling with the same issues. It might be just the thing you need to bridge the gap and stay on track until rehab starts. Please keep posting, and be kind to yourself. I know you can do it.
Athena, try this. My writing students often struggle with expressing their real feelings and this often works. I do it when I start to feel like I'm going to explode, and it helps. Find a quiet time and place and sit down with paper and pen or computer and just write. Write without thinking, without worrying about grammar, punctuation, spelling, or even sense. Jump from subject to subject as they occur to you. You might even close your eyes. Give yourself five minutes to start. Rant, vent, describe, speak jibberish, whatever. Keep going if you're so inclined. It's just for you. If you're stuck with how to start try "Dear Alcohol." It's a way to feel that also seems...intellectual somehow.
Hi Thinking, and welcome to the forums. I was pondering this very issue today. I think our culture puts a lot of pressure on us to succeed and be amazing when in fact these are impossible goals. We delude ourselves into believing we're in control, but are we? All too often outside forces having nothing to do with us make it impossible to achieve what we'd like to achieve. No one among us is a superhero. We're all just...human. And that's okay. Sometimes we succeed, and sometimes we don't. Sometimes we're amazing, and sometimes we aren't. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference...
I'd like to add that I'm pretty sure you really are a smart, amazing person. Thanks for posting. I think I'm writing to me as much as to you
Last week, I had to go to family court. The experience was what I'd anticipated it to be, so I was prepared for the not especially satisfactory outcome, but it was exhausting. I was so anxious I didn't sleep the night before and I couldn't get rid of the anxiety afterward. It was also traumatic. It felt like an assault. Afterward, I went to a restaurant and had two glasses of wine. Back home, I poured a third, but couldn't finish it. I didn't drink for a few days, but yesterday and the day before, I drank half a bottle of wine. I didn't enjoy it. And I could see where I was heading. Exhaustion is one of my triggers. It robs me of all sense. All I can think about is how desperately I want to sleep. I didn't have a plan in place because this was such an unusual set of circumstances. I know better now. And I'm back on track, I hope, starting today. One day at a time.
It is hard. Hang in there. Wrap up in a blanket, watch old movies, sip herbal tea, baby yourself. Stay hydrated. Know that we're with you and understand exactly what you're going through.
I was afraid it would launch me down the same old path I'm still afraid it will, so I know I have to be careful over the next week or so. Last night, I really wanted to buy a bottle of wine on my way home from work. It wasn't until I got to my exit, and pulled out of the exit lane, that I knew I was going to abstain. I was arguing with myself--you'll feel terrible in the morning, it will start all over again, it will snowball, you'll be right back where you started or worse, you have to work tomorrow, etc. But none of those things persuaded me. It wasn't really a conscious decision. I give the credit to God. I just pulled back onto the freeway and headed for home. And there was a box of chocolates waiting for me on my doorstep. Seriously.
Hi Athena. I'm 55 and, like you, grew up in a time and place where girls were being told they could be anything they wanted to me. It wasn't until I left school and hit the real world that I got a little dose of reality. Still and all, the idea that I could be anything I wanted to be gave me a kind of strength I'm happy to have. I'm older and more realistic, and the flip side is I get really frustrated and depressed when people or events get in the way of my goals, but I also have a self-confidence my mother didn't have. I think you do too. Sounds that way, anyway. I choose my battles carefully--or try to. Like not drinking. That's a worthy battle. At 50, I went back to school and got an MFA in English. That's when I started teaching. Don't give up on your dreams. You never know...
Hang in there. These early days are the hardest. One day at a time. You can do it!
Hello shyRyan. I agree. Exercise is key. I too started putting on weight thanks to alcohol. I've dropped 25 pounds and am now at my goal weight. I take a kettlebell class three days a week--or try to. It's social and it really boosts my spirits. It also helps control my drinking because it's a tough class and I can't do it if I drink. I take a long walk with my dog every day too, which I think is equally essential since it gets me out into the light and fresh air.
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