Thanks reddragon, and likewise! I had a great day yesterday--no triggers!--and spent the evening with my daughter, shopping, then dinner and a movie at home. I'm so sorry for all you've been through--and your daughters too. I split with my ex five years ago too. It's been a rough road, so my heart goes out to you.
I put on some pounds too. Valerie Bertinelli inspired me, so I joined her program about a year ago and lost it all. Very slowly, I might add. But I did it. I just kept at it. I also exercise a lot. Both those things really helped me feel good about myself, inside and out, and I'm certain that contributes to my motivation to stay away from booze.
I read on this site that although most people think of alcohol as a depressant it has some distinctly un-depressant qualities, like keeping us up into the wee hours when we should be in bed. I've had the same experience. In the end, my biggest struggles were with binge drinking. More often than not, I'd give myself a two drink limit, then approve "just a little bit more," then finish the bottle. I just could not stop. It was like a switch flipped in my brain. That's when I realized I couldn't be a moderate drinker, but had to aim for abstinence. I would stop at one bottle only because that's all I had in the house. I only bought one bottle at a time. That's how I kept myself from overdoing it--most of the time. If, for some reason, I did have more than one bottle in the house I would just keep going. Some days, I would keep myself from overdoing it by buying half bottles. But there would always come a day when I would say to myself, "It's more economical to buy a whole bottle and drink it over two days." Then I'd drink the whole thing and hate myself. It was a vicious cycle and I felt so ashamed of my lack of control.
Great advice, reddragon! I discovered, happily, that parties where I don't drink are actually better than those where I do drink. I could actually have intelligent, complicated conversations with other people, and remember them the next day. And as I get older, I realize I really want to spend quality time with my family, especially older members, instead of wasting that time in a haze of alcohol. Maybe you could distract yourself by making it a goal to learn a little bit more of your family history--get people talking about the "good old days" or telling sharing funny memories about each other. Or become the family photographer, and document the event--hard to do if you're drinking. Good luck!
splitimage, the binge you describe brings home the terrible grip this thing has on us, when we're drinking and when we're not. I too am glad you got through it and have people in your life who love you and are there for you. When I'm profoundly discouraged to the point where nothing seems to matter anymore, and my thoughts get out of control, I know I drink because it lets me check out of a world I don't believe I can handle--at least temporarily. It's a mind vacation. Do you have a counselor you can talk to? Alternatively, write about the distressing events in your life AND your feelings about them. That is, describe them and describe your feelings about them. Studies show this has real therapeutic benefits, especially when you write about BOTH what you experience with your senses and what you experience with your mind.
Welcome Karl. You've already made significant progress toward a better relationship with alcohol. Two months without a drink is a big achievement. It's also really great that you're able to keep from drinking when you're alone. It sounds as if you're most tested by social drinking. Have you tried abstaining when you're with friends? What happened? When you drink with your family on holidays and such, are you able to limit yourself?
Alcohol affects everyone differently. Some people can stop after one or two drinks. Others can't. And it doesn't bring out our "true" selves. Please don't think there's something wrong with you because you go haywire after too many drinks. Many of us struggle with the same issue. It's not you. It's the alcohol. When I was your age, I used to drink too much and then get super emotional. I'd talk like crazy and cry a river. I had a boyfriend who called these reactions to alcohol my "psychotic episodes." (Nice boyfriend, huh? He'd buy me drinks, too.) Well, I'm not psychotic. I just don't handle alcohol well. I was having a bad reaction to it. The same is true for you.
I think the best way to come to grips with your relationship with alcohol is to talk and write about it--with us here, with a counselor, even at AA or similar groups. If you get unreasonably angry and act out in a way that scares you, you may be repressing something that alcohol unleashes. You may need to figure out what that is. Talking and writing is a good way to get there.
Good luck and please stay with us. Keep us posted.
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