Ok... so currently sitting here on this site due to, in part, to my own actions.

Three years ago I met and was actively (and with smooth talent) pursued by a friend of a friend who turned my head the minute she walked into the room. I have never really been one to be drawn to people and have had a low volume of partners in my 54 years. For whatever reason, this time was different.

It was a unique courtship... with invitations to dinner, over-night hang outs at her place and slow introductions into her circle of friends. During this time I was told that nothing more would happen due to the unresolved feelings of grief from the loss of her wife 4 years prior. Yet, the courtship continued. With this new undefined friendship/relationship, came her introduction of daily texting... all day.... every day. I was hooked.

Here is where it turned. One weekend, where plans were made for us to do the usual hang out on a Friday.. she appeared in my end of the forest with a suitcase and no plans. With a big smile she was in town for the weekend and we were soon booked into a hotel and everything rolled from there. A romantic relationship began. This blissful adventure would soon come to a screeching hault, a short 2 months later as people slowly became aware.

To save a ton of typing, to sum it up... we (against my better judgement) stayed friends. She continued to text all day, everyday. Wanted to know everything about my day, life, thoughts. I did walk away once and was easily lured back in. I expressed my feelings... I had fallen in love. This is a very rare thing for me. She promised to respect the feelings and our friendship. This did not happen. Usually while out in group settings, she often spoke of her desire to date someone (ouch)... she would then describe what we basically shared (double ouch).

This past Christmas we took a week long vacation together along with two other friends (of hers)... during this trip I felt I was only along to assist with the cost of the AirBnB. We returned home, and I had decided it was time to change the dynamic of this odd relationship as it was becoming much too painful. Well it seems the decision was made for me two days after NYE.... in a text she messaged

"BTW met someone NYE.. we have been texting, she asked me out, I said yes. I told you I would let you know"

I walked away from 3 years of pain and confusion that day. I know I did the right thing, but wow.... this has packed a punch. The pain I am feeling is at times unbearable. I have cut all contact and have removed her from all social media.

The pain comes from a couple of places.... Love not returned, being hurt by someone who I never thought would and her lack of empathy or sympathy. In the end, she really did not care at all. I simply supplied something she needed ... and yes, clearly our mostly text relationship filled a void for me.

With a little time and distance, I have now realized I would drop everything for her. My friends all told me to walk away and I would ignore all advise. They saw it, but I was in too deep.

I am hurting hard, feeling used and angry for losing my self respect and dignity. I was honest, warm and caring and in the end, so easily dismissed.

Feels good to write it down. Naturally there is much more but this is basically it.

Hi Everyone - I wandered in yesterday and after some time surfing around it may be what I have been looking for without knowing.

I am currently working through a very broken heart but also admit to not dealing with a couple of major life events that come back to bite me every time life throws a curve ball. One being a major accident, and the second, the death of both parents very close together.

i have always know I had some form of depression but I find as I get older it has become less and less easy to work through.

my recent breakup has rocked my world and has me awake at night with repetitive thoughts of physical and emotional pain covering more than one life event. With this has come nightmares and sleep walking.

Fir the first time ever I have thought of taking time off work. I have instead seen my Dr, booked a vacation and found this resource.

Right now I’m horribly sad and trying not to consistently project it onto my group of very supportive friends

NEED to move forward

Hi Fadedfate,

very nice to meet you. Seems there are more than a few of us out there working through life stuff that has a grip on us one way or another.

I’ll be keeping an eye on your thread so know someone is hearing you.

I have a good feeling about this space and it’s resources from what I have seen so far as I’m new as well

also nice to meet you Janedoe06 & Ashley

Hi Ashley, it’s very nice to meet you and thank you for the reply.

I have been working very hard at staying in the moment. The heartache is easing somewhat. It still hurts if I let it so the challenge is keeping my focus positive and moving forward.

I am extremely lucky to have an amazing circle of friends who are warm and supportive and they have been great at sharing stories of their own heartbreak. It does bring some peace to see that it’s possible to come out on the other side... stronger.

I am an illustrator so I have started a large healing piece at my drafting table. I have also joined a meet up group and will work on expanding my social circle.

It was also suggested that I research co-dependency... I have and I certainly see a pattern.

Hi Eddiewolf, so great to meet you.

well what I will say right away is we are both expressing ourselves here. That is a rather big thing. It sounds like you are aware of your situation and do have resources. Logistics of appointments can be so frustrating.

As I live alone, I find the quiet evenings can seem long and sad. My current broken heart has been super painful and has brought a new sense of loneliness.

last week I started 3 things. I found this site so I can begin to get things out there to those who may wish to listen as I am trying not to project things into others. I am also working diligently to stay in the moment and focusing on something as simple as elevator buttons to keep my thoughts from going down that path of sad. As an illustrator I have also started a piece on my drafting table that has a lot of my deep pain visually out onto paper.

Nightmares are being addressed by my MD and I am waiting for an appointment for a psychological sleep test

I have promised myself to be active here. It is already having a positive effect and my hope is that at some point my words may ease someone else’s struggle

hang in there... I certainly hope a lot of it is seasonal for you and this is just a rough patch

Hi Eddiewolf,

hey, thank you for sharing your story. You certainly seem to have a lot of plates in the air. If you are anything like me, all the individual issues soon become one large blob and seems impossible to break down.

Im wondering if we are both currently sharing that state. I I’ll be following your journey and promise to share mine. Perhaps between the two of us a way of figuring this out, even in the smallest of ways, will transpire

keep being honest with yourself