Hi everyone,

I am not really sure what to talk about because I have never really opened up about my struggles to people I do not know before, but I think it might be helpful.

I have struggled with major depressive disorder, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder for the last nearly 10 years. I was diagnosed younger with a chronic illness which made me feel more isolated, but I really didn't experience severe changes in my mood until a big traumatic family event that I was unfortunately stuck in the middle of with no one to talk to about it that understood. Despite previous trauma, I think this one really triggered everything for me because it's where I remember I began to self harm, feel emotionless, experience panic attacks, etc. I refused to take medication for it until about 4 years into it all because for whatever reason I used to believe it would make me seem 'weak'. I have been on Zoloft and another medication as of more recently (I cannot remember the name because it's a strange one). I find it has definitely helped in so many respects, but since I had not had benefits up until now and couldn't afford to continue with counselling, I had gotten a lot more unstable again. It's hard too, because I finally have two jobs in a field that I am passionate about and went to school for, and I'm aware I have a lot of good things in my life, but I still feel like I am failing. And when people around me tell me to be aware of the good, it's frustrating because I am aware, but the depression masks me being able to feel good about these things.

I am trying to set goals like going back to counselling, being more open (through writing, creative outlets), and just taking things one day at a time.

Anyways, that's it I suppose.

A.

Due to trauma in my past between my parents, I feel like I have adapted the same paranoid and anxious thoughts as my mother now has. It's so frustrating because no matter how good something is going in my life, in my head I am always reminded that everything looked perfect between my parents, but meanwhile my dad was leading this double life with extramarital affairs and we had no idea until years later. And I know that not everyone is my dad, but it seems like I just can't shake the feeling that something is going on, and I find myself searching for these things. My current boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half, and I love him to bits. About 4 months in I had found out he was talking to another girl inappropriately and even though since then he has done nothing but show me he would never do that again (let's me look at his phone if I ever feel I need to, asks me to communicate whenever I am feeling upset, has taken that specific girl out of his life, etc.) but I am still on edge always wondering if he is somehow still sneaking around. And it makes me feel like a crazy person especially seeing how it impacts our partnership. He is so amazing to me and is patient about my invasive thoughts, but I feel like it's not fair to him to never give him the benefit of the doubt. Especially because I always told my mum she either needs to forgive (but not forget) my dad and move on together, or if she can't, she has to end things. But here I am, hanging on to these constant feelings and I feel as though I can't control them even if I wanted to. This pattern has ruined many of my past relationships and I just don't want to push anyone else away.

Does anyone have insight or advice with this?

A.