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Posts created by Kristine82

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 54

Work stress

Thanks so much to you both for responding. Working On It, I know what you mean -- I also feel a lot calmer, which I wouldn't have thought was possible! AND this actually happens to be one of the craziest times of year at my job too. I've actually thought in the past, "I can't quit smoking in the fall because work is too crazy," but then I decided there's no time like the present and went for it anyway. I am glad to hear the stress levels kept on falling for you. I do enjoy feeling so much more serene and centered than when I was jumping up constantly to go grab a smoke. Maybe I will stock some candies in my desk drawer in case I need them.

Dart, thanks for the "mission" idea! I tried it yesterday -- I work from home so I made my "missions" little household chores like doing the dishes or sweeping the porch. By the time I was done for the day the house was totally clean, which was nice.

This isn't really related to work but I just wanted to write down that I had my first smoking dream last night. I've seen a lot of people here posting about them. In my dream I had already finished smoking a cigarette before I remembered I'd quit, and then I started to cry because of what I'd done. When I woke up this morning I thought the dream was real for a few minutes and I felt miserable, and when I realized it wasn't, I was so relieved. A good reminder that having "just one" will not be worth it, ever!

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 54

Fall weather

Stupidest trigger ever, right? Weather is weather! But I live in California and am in Boston for business and this beautiful fall weather is making me want a cigarette so bad. I went to school here, and needless to say I smoked constantly, as did all of my friends. Now, walking around in the lovely crisp air with the changing leaves, I am just dying to fire one up. It really makes me think about how smoking is an abusive relationship, because here I am enjoying something so nice and I just want to ruin it by filling my lungs with poison.

Anyway. I'm through two nights here and haven't smoked, even though I've been dying to. I have to remind myself of that line from the "junkie thinking" post -- I don't want "just one," I want them all. The worst part is knowing I could bum one from someone and have such a beautiful smoke looking out over the harbor and NO ONE WOULD EVER KNOW. But I'm not going to. I just keep thinking about it and had to write it down somewhere.

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 54

Monday Morning Stats Parade, 9/9/13

Husband and I hit two weeks as of yesterday! Not one puff for either of us since August 28th. :)

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 54

The hole

(Just had to vomit out some words . . . long post, sorry.)

I don't know how it's possible to be feeling worse lately, but I am. We hit the two-week mark yesterday, which should have been an occasion for celebration; my husband couldn't stop going on and on about how great he felt, but I feel worse every day, like nothing can really make me happy. Of course, he was one of those "I only smoke socially" people, while I was one of those "I only don't smoke when I'm sleeping" people. So that may account for the differences in our moods.

The best way I can describe it right now is it's like there's a hole and nothing will fill it. No point even trying, but I have tried, and I've tried just about everything: water, food, fancy wine, exercise. The times I feel the best are right after working out but they don't last long. Even then, it's not so much that I've filled the hole as that I've obliterated all thought through exhaustion. Still, it's turning into a secondary addiction, power yoga three times a week, grueling uphill runs on the other days, anything to keep myself from thinking about the hole.

The weird thing about the hole is it's not really a craving, or a set of cravings. My cravings are shorter and further apart now, and I feel like I can pretty much handle 'em; the advice I often see here, to wait a few minutes and see if the craving goes away, works well for me, maybe because I am easily distracted. The hole isn't so much a feeling as an absence of feeling. The hole is boredom and lack of enthusiasm for anything and the sneaking suspicion that nothing's ever really going to be fun again. Like, my friend e-mails me asking if we can go to a cute neighborhood and walk around and explore Saturday night, and the first thing I think to myself is "Oh great, another night of faking it." Because all activities just sound dull and lifeless and pointless, even the ones that should be delightful.

I know I'd be even more depressed if I did smoke, so it's not really about that. It's just feeling like it will never, ever get better, that I have permanently damaged my brain chemistry or something, that I'll never get joy out of anything ever again.

If I think about it rationally I know I've really only had this feeling for a few days, and I'll probably only have to slog through a few more. In the meantime, though, I'm like this zombie. It's all just exercise and playing video games and glancing at the clock every three seconds to see if it's a reasonable time to go to bed yet. The days just seem to go on and on forever, full of time I can't fill.

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 54

The hole

Thanks for the thoughtful responses, both of you. It's nice to know other people have felt this way; I think that's why I post these not especially encouraging things, because it's comforting to hear that other people felt these ways and got through it. I'm glad "zombie month" is a thing -- makes me feel less like I am losing my mind.

I wrote that late yesterday afternoon; now it's morning where I am (west coast) and I actually feel a bit cheerier than I did. The afternoons have been really hard for me, for whatever reason. This morning I am glad I didn't smoke and had a good jog and dragged myself to a dinner I didn't want to go to last night where I actually had a great time. I noticed that even though I slept really poorly (another thing that's been going on that's making it hard for me to function, which is unrelated to quitting smoking and has to do with the fact that I am having a total career meltdown right now) my skin looked great compared to how it did when I was smoking a pack a day.

I don't think it's previously unrecognized depression revealing itself, although it's certainly possible; it feels more like just rearranging all my emotions around not having cigarettes to turn to, which is hard. Working On It, you are right that it feels like losing a close friend.

I know it will get better eventually, but in the meantime, thanks for being there for me. Nobody I know in person has been through this, so it really helps.

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 54

the first hours

Hi, Lila, and welcome! I quit from just about the same place as you -- I'm in my thirties, smoked a pack or so a day, and have tried four times before. This time I did it cold turkey after trying just about everything else in the past. I'm on day 17, so not nearly as far into it as some of the really amazing folks you will meet here, but past the withdrawal part, at least.

The first three days were definitely the worst for me. By the third day I was already catching myself not thinking about smoking for long periods of time. Because I wasn't using gum or the e-cig or the patch or candy or anything else to get me through, I drank liters and liters of water. I was seriously peeing every thirty minutes. It sounds silly but I recommend it -- it gives you something to move to your mouth with your hand in that old pattern, and getting up to pee all the time keeps you from going crazy trying to sit still without smoking.

At this point it has gotten a lot easier. I have already developed some nice new routines instead of my old smoking routines, and I can really feel and see the improvement in my health. I smell really nice all the time and my skin looks so great compared to how it used to. I never realized how oxygen-starved I used to look. My cheeks are so freaking rosy now, and I swear my hair actually looks shinier and bouncier! For rewards I am buying myself things like good-smelling conditioner and fancy new facewash. I know vanity isn't the most important reason to quit, but you won't believe how quickly you can actually see changes in your appearance that you can feel good about.

I know how hard it can seem in those first few hours but it gets a lot easier really quickly. By the third or fourth day you'll be wondering why you didn't do this a long time ago. Good luck and keep coming back to post when you need advice or just to feel less alone!

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 54

The hole

So it has been four days since I made that really depressing post and I'm very happy to report that I am feeling a LOT better. I think just acknowledging that I was feeling really low -- here and also to my husband, who I had been trying to fake it around because he is quitting as well and I didn't want to bring him down -- helped a ton. And the weekend seemed like it had been intentionally engineered to make me feel good about quitting:

Friday night I went to a show at which the only place smoking was permitted was a tiny fenced-in area outside the venue. I didn't even think about it until we were walking out at the end and saw all the sad smokers crammed in there getting their fixes, and then I was SO HAPPY not to be one of them.

Saturday night a friend and I drove to a cute little town just outside the city to walk around and explore. Again, it wasn't until we were reading menus trying to find a place to eat dinner that I noticed the signs prohibiting smoking anywhere along the main street. I remembered all the times I'd tried to sneak one in situations like that, the dirty looks people would give me, like I was a criminal. You know, that whole world of rules and censure and deprivation smokers are aware of that non-smokers don't even know exists.

Sunday morning I had power yoga, which always felt great, but feels so much better now that I'm not semi-asphyxiating myself with cigarettes. Weirdly, I think the instructor has even noticed that something is up -- not that I quit smoking, but that I am suddenly improving much faster for some reason. He comes over and helps me with my poses a lot more than he used to and I am getting more pretzel-y with every class.

So, lots to be cheerful about on this Monday morning! I will try to remember this great feeling so I can think back on it if the sadness tries to return.

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 54

About "casual" smokers

So, I was catching up with a friend today who quit smoking so long ago I had actually forgotten he'd ever smoked. Needless to say, he had some nice advice and perspective on quitting, and I really wished I'd talked to him about it sooner. The most helpful thing he said had to do with "casual" smokers, of which his ex-girlfriend was one -- the kind of person who could buy a pack to have fun on the weekend but be fine not to smoke all week long.

He said he used to be envious of so-called "casual" smokers, knowing that they can have one anytime they want but he can never have one again. But those are also the types of people who are most likely to go on smoking for years and years -- because they never HAVE to make a formal break with it, a lot of the time they never do. And eventually there are health implications for them same as there would be for anyone else. As he put it, smoking a pack a day for 10 years is not very different, in the end, from smoking a pack every weekend for 40 or 50 years. There is really no such thing as a "casual" or "healthy" smoker, even if it seems that way sometimes.

I just really appreciated that because I have had the "I wish I could be a casual smoker" thought more than once, as I'm sure other folks here have too. It's a seductive idea, but there really are no "casual" smokers. And being off cigarettes entirely is definitely better than being a smoker of any kind.

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 54

Three weeks!

Not an especially lengthy milestone but somebody told me that 21 days is how long it takes to make or break a habit, so I had put the 21-day mark on my calendar for reference.

I feel pretty great! It has been up and down this whole time but the past few days have been mostly up. I'm glad I'm doing this.

As a present to myself that also keys in to my best time-consumer in these post-smoking days -- cooking elaborate meals -- I am buying one of those unnecessarily cute and ultra-overpriced aprons from Anthropologie. :)

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 54

Want to Take a Small Step forward towards Quitting

For me, part of the process was actually not having a plan. I was smoking like normal one night and then I got up the next morning and was just like "That was it." No big goodbye or ceremonial last smoke or anything like that. I actually still had some cigarettes in the house, and I didn't dramatically throw them away or anything, I just left them on the porch in case I changed my mind. By about three in the afternoon I was so deep into withdrawal that I knew I'd never want to go through that first eight hours again. I still didn't throw the cigarettes out, I just put them in a drawer to give to a friend. My mind was so made up that it didn't matter whether there were cigarettes in the house or not. I was a pretty serious smoker, too, like slightly more than a pack a day. You wouldn't think it would be that simple for someone like me but in the end it was.

Everyone is different, but I think in the past fixating on a "plan" actually just helped me procrastinate because there was always some step I was waiting to take before the only step that mattered, which was waking up in the morning and not smoking. For me it was about really being ready to commit to it, and I didn't plan when I would be, it just kind of happened.

That being said, just signing up here is a great first step! I came here a lot in the early days and ranted about all the things I was feeling and people were really supportive. It's nice knowing you're not alone and that other people have suffered through this stuff and survived.

I'm at 24 days now. Last night I spent the whole night outside grilling and drinking with friends and I thought about smoking maybe twice. It happens that fast, and you will be so glad you did it. Seriously. I want to run up to every person I see smoking and tell them how possible it is to quit. It is very possible! You can do it!

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