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My feelings today

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 456

eh sorry cammy that I am taking up this space in your post...

Breanne,

My father is my reference of the person who knew nothing about the illnesses that engulfed him! He survived 20 miserable years and died alone in his mind. We did not know how to reach him.

I am the total opposite ... I will pick apart any idea to the very last letter and sound to be able to analsys it and change it to what I need. If I cannot then i get help to do it!!!

**and i am bipolar. I know that part of this up and down is a reaction to what others consider normal life.**

So I know that each person has their battle and we unite at the end of the day as generals do to compair notes and discuss how the war progresses. It is the actively work that I do not know about. Depression takes so much that sometimes I wonder what is left to become active.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

I have to agree with wildcat....it is all quite confusing the vicious circle we talk in and walk in.

I do think some things can be changed - my behavior and negative thinking, but I don't think that will negate all the depression. I don't think so because this is a chemical imbalance and is exacerbated by environmental things and vice versa. However; through CBT and changing my behavior, I can learn to cope more effectively....or this is my hope. I have seen changes thus far....and continue to work slowly through the program realizing that it is a lifelong process.

I, like everyone else, employ different things in my recovery like tai chi, medication, meditation, and exercise for me, some use herbal remedies, etc. I doubt that any behavioral change will be sufficient for me to discontinue my medication and I will always have to employ the techniques that I have learned here to maintain stability. (I hope one day the medication might not be needed, however, I may be too chicken to try.) My greatest fear is going back where I started.

I have a goal of reaching stability at this point. I am like everyone else (my perception) that we will go to any length to try something that works for us (provides some relief).

Okay, my 2 cents worth....anyone else got an opinion?

Cammy, I can only suggest controlled breathing, try some progressive relaxation, take a break and come back, or meditation to give yourself time to regroup. I hope you try some or all of these and find something that works. I am sure there are other things, this is what came to mind.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1693

wildcat,

You are right, there are many parts to the illness...unfortunately it is not cut and dry.

Maybe part of it is up to the individual- if they have the will to want to change their way of thinking and actively work on it. What do you think?

Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 456

Hi,

no. no suggestions. I really do not know what Cammy is looking for.

I do not know if there is a day by day voyage in the past that needs to be done to find specific symptomes and consequenses for the damages that has been left.

I do not know if there is a need to identify negative thoughts and excercise positve outlooks.

I do not know if Cammy can purge himself of the past. At some point we need to let go otherwise it is a wound that poisons the present. Looking at how the parental response to the illness and recovery was interpreted, looking at how all authority seems to be judged from that period, I am at a loss. I have gone my path and have forgiven my abusers. I am not ready to forget but my veins are not venon filled. I have found the inner source again and unfrozen the core of emotion. I am not that ball of pain and I do not know how to push anyone down that path who is unwilling to walk it.

At some point we have to let go of the negative thought that yesterday was a walk in hades. Ruminating will not change it. We have to live for the now and if we are still in the inferno, then tomorrow we will reach the door. And this is the last of it. Let it go.

Moderators,

every where we discuss there being two parts to the illness. The chemical imbalance that puts the dark lenses over our eyes and the stones in our shoes. THe physical illness that makes us suseptible to threading the darkroads of the mind. But there is the environmental and the social conditioning. The part that our reasoning and therapy is meant to help. And THis is where I am at a loss right now is helping Cammy any further. There seems to be an error n the logic somewhere; a point where this conversation in going around in a circle. It is not moving backward. It is not going forward.

So no. No I have no suggestions right now.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1693

Cammy,

What is making you feel frozen? Are there any coping strategies you could use right now?

Members, any suggestions?

Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 80

Here I am in my office trying to work. I cant pick up the darn phone and make my necessary phone calls. My stomach is knotted up, Im "frozen".

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 955

cammy,

I am sorry to hear you had a difficult time at the hospital.

Facing reality can seem very overwhelming in the beginning. However, you can also achieve a lot of insight this way into yourself and your family. People interpret their own realities quite differently. How do you view yours? What do you think you can do to understand your own reality better?

It is good to hear that you slept better last night. Getting enough sleep can always have a positive effect on your well-being.

Members, any other advice for cammy?

Keep us posted on how the rest of your weekend goes cammy. We are here for you!

Sarah, Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 80

Well, I slept better last night, feel somewhat better this morning. Its scary feeling the way I do sometimes. Sometimes I feel I might just "lose it" and do something quick. I never thought I would be feeling this way.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 80

So at emerg today after 2 hours, they said they couldnt do anything today! What I did find out though was my appt time with a top notch neuro surgeon. All this darn waiting around is driving me nuts, meds I'm on for depression never seem to work. After all the "close-calls" on my life over the years , ya there been about 6 times I came somewhat close to dieing, I wonder why I'm still here. Its a real struggle somedays to just hang in there. What scares me more at this time is losing my fear of death. I just dont want to go at my own hand. I know its all very negative, but I am just as scared now as I was when I was 14 and very very close to suicide. Back then, if I had known it was encephalitis I had 2 years earlier, I would not be alive today!,,, and yet deep down inside I knew what I had been sick with was not the flu as the doc had told me. About the only things keeping me going right now are my kids and wife. but,,, at this time I "feel" no love for them. I really only existing at the moment and it is a very unpleasant feeling. Right now, because of the way I feel about my kids, I wish I never had them-- its not that I dont love them, its just that I dont feel that love and I cant be a real "dad" for them. I dont know what else to do, I have tried to be positive, I know all about the power of positive thinking, but I have done that for 35 years and its not working anymore. I'm tired of "burying' my head in the sand and I have to face reality and I dont even know what the reality is yet.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1288

Cammy,

Sorry to hear you're having a rough time. Is there anyone else you can speak to about your symptoms? Perhaps another doctor or a pharmacist. They might be able to make suggestions specific to you.

Hold tight and try to keep your spirits up.

Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator

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My feelings today