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15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

Hello

I just thought I would introduce myself. First off, I am not big on "group stuff". I prefer more one on one things. Internet seems to be ok, but then I get to thinking of how many people may read this stuff and then I get concerned. I am depressed and have been for most of my life. I was a cutter, drinker, smoker, toker and sexually active in junior high. I have three kids, have been with my husband for 21 years. I don't drink, do drugs, smoke, have indiscrimate sex or cut myself anymore (everything except for the smoking has been over for many years). I quit smoking 6 months ago. I don't want anyone saying good for you or belittling my efforts. It is not something I chose to do for my health or any noble reasons, I did it because I had a choice, pay bills or smoke. I think I needed power more than I needed the next pack of smokes.

I finally worked up the courage to go to my doctor about 3 weeks ago. I didn't have the guts to tell her about the problems, but I wrote down a brief summation of things. She said I was depressed (I figured that out for myself), she put me on Celexa, she advised me to get my husband to do more (good luck there), she told me to stop fighting to get my husband's medical needs taken care of, "he should do it himself", I agree, but if we waited for that to happen it wouldn't get done, as the hospital has lost his medical chart and if someone isn't on top of them, at all times, all will have been for naught (major issues).

I have a few other health problems (high blood pressure, high cholesterol and congenital heart defects (all caused by my family history)) and have been attempting to adjust my diet accordingly, I have researched one of my problems and it is recognized as Selective Eating Disorder in the UK. I also advised my doctor of this, and her response was basically, stop being so picky and eat what you are told to. Good thing, not healthy if it can't stay down now is it?

Due to alot of the programs/appointments my husband is in, I am forced to attend group sessions, doctors appointments, medical/professional appointments. I am occassionally included in the discussions, and when I am honest with these people with such high educations, they put me and my husband down and basically make me feel worthless, not good enough to be in the same room as them, to get a better job and do everything they tell me to do. Like it or lump it and who cares about you. (I don't know of any new jobs that would allow me to miss anywhere from 1/2 day a month to several days a month for various medical appointments, without firing me).

All of my life, I have been the one that everyone goes to when they have problems. I finally cannot deal with my problems on my own and now it seems that no-one is there for me. I have attempted on numerous occassions to discuss my problems and no-one has the time, they are never around, or they have to switch it so they are talking about themselves and their issues. For example, my dad and his divorce and health issues, my best friend and her ex husbands, her kids, her health issues, my mom and her financial issues, health issues, husband's health issues, my sister and her husband's issues, her kids problems, her health issues. Not once has anyone ever just listened to what I have to say about my problems and my issues. Like I said my entire life has been there to listen to everyone else and help them and never ask for anything in return until now. I feel terrible for thinking so selfishly and then I feel angry because everyone else is being selfish.

I would prefer to find a medical professional who is willing to work with me

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

Lifestyle Changes

I may be crazy, but for the past year, I have been trying to implement lifestyle changes, better diet (more fruits and vegetables, less yummy stuff), more exercise, quitting smoking, I don't drink anyway. I am more depressed since implementing these changes than I was before. My doctor says here is the pill (celexa) and keep doing what I tell you and you will be fine. It sure doesn't feel like it. Health wise, my cholesterol is up, I have gained 30 pounds, I cry all the time. How is this better than eating chocolate cake with whipped cream icing, smoking 10 cigarettes a day and watching tv or reading a book? I know I have only been on the anti-depressant for a month but with all the lifestyle changes I made before finally talking to my doctor about my depression, I think I should have seen an improvement mentally or physically, but nothing.

So my life and the advice of professionals has effectively eliminated anything I enjoy and find pleasure in, baking (can't eat it so what's the point, don't even dare suggest I bake with the dietician suggested replacements, I would rather go without than bake things that don't smell good, taste good or feel good), going outside for a walk, gardening, shovelling and having a cigarette by myself (supposed to eliminate what you normally do so you don't get the craving for cigarettes) haven't had a cigarette in 6 months but want one every day, going to the gym, swimming etc, I find emotionally and physically exhausting after working all day, coming home, cooking and cleaning etc. (I keep trying to go, but it doesn't always work). I can't even concentrate to watch TV or read an entire book, so those pleasures are gone. Sex, that's out the window since I have been on Celexa. Well those were most everything I enjoyed, now I am stuck eating crap, being exhausted and not having sex. As for any alone time, forget it, I have 2 children at home, a husband, and I have to work 8 - 12 hours a day, my alone time is when I drive to and from work (I don't enjoy driving only do it because I have to), when I am in the bathroom or when I am sleeping.

And now I will apologize for venting, but if anyone has any suggestions or has experienced anything similar please feel free to respond

Thanks for listening.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

graphs till I am blue in the face!!

I know how you feel, track what you eat, track when you sleep, track when you exercise, track your mood. I am not a journal type person and I won't ever look back at the tracking sheets. If I am asked to write it down, that person damn well better look at it, otherwise it is a waste of my time, because I don't have the time or energy to do something for someone if they won't bother to look at it. I do not feel it benefits me to review what I have written no matter who (professional or otherwise) says it will help you, hasn't in the past, and it won't in the future.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

Lifestyle Changes

Actually it didn't help getting it out. But the responses made me feel like someone listened.

Stress levels are extremely high.

As for the weight gain it is not medication related, stress related or otherwise, I ate carrot sticks and healthy crap to deal with the cravings. I didn't over eat. I do not over eat when I am stressed, I generally bake(no nibbling) and clean when I am stressed. For the past 2 years, since my husband's accident, and the abuse we have had to deal with in our hospitals, and health care systesm, physical and emotional, I have not been doing either. I weigh 195 pounds and am 5'11", I have lost 13 pounds in the past month so not so bad, but not so good, it has nothing to do with diet, I have been vomiting (not pregnant) and having diarhea for the past month. My doctor says this should pass and it isn't the flu.

My life has centered around fighting for my husband and his rights, the hospital lost his chart, all referrals from the initial hospitalization were lost, x-rays were lost etc.. AHIC lost him on their system (so the ortho surgeon wanted us to pay him directly). We are dealing with an ortho surgeon who is a complete ass, he lies to us, did not perform the surgery when it was required, instead he waited till there was muscle damage, nerve damage and bone crushing from the swelling. My husband was physically assaulted by a nurse and we were both constantly belittled by the "health care professionals" we were dealing with. Talking with the complaints department has done nothing, (sensitivity training for the abusive nurse) and we have been told that if they can't find his chart, they can't do anything for us.

We lost our gravel truck, we just about lost our home, we have had our utilities cut off, my van broke down, (among a multitude of other things that have basically broken or gone wrong) and we are considering bankruptcy at this point. Financially life sucks.

I saw my doctor today and she wants me to up my dose of celexa, she says to give it time to see if it works. So I will do it and see what happens. She wants me to contact the MHB to schedule an appointment to meet with a counsellor and see if that can help, so I will do that as well.

I am hoping that some good stuff happens soon because all of the negative things really aren't helping.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

Lifestyle Changes

Well guys,

My doctor (who obviously doesn't listen very well) has set me up with yet another nutrition class. Yay, that means I don't get the one on one that I asked for, I get to sit and be told how stupid I am yet again.

I also booked an appointment to see a therapist through our Mental Health Board. I wasn't too keen on seeing a male therapist, to me he cannot empathize or understand what I am going through because he is a man. So I tried to get this changed at the time I booked and the receptionist said to give him a try. I thought oh sure what the heck. But the more I thought about it, the more freaked out I became as once again what I wanted didn't seem to matter to anyone. So I called today to see if I could switch, now I have to talk to this guy to get it switched as he is now my "therapist". I haven't seen this guy at all so I can't see what difference it will make to them. Unfortunately, I had to leave a voice mail for him to call me. His accent was so thick I could barely make out what he said on his voice mail. I don't have issues with people with accents, friends, family etc. people I know, but someone new, who is a health care professional, I should be able to clearly understand every word they say and not require an interpretor.

So what do you think, am I being crazy about my choice of therapists, should I roll over and let them do what they want or should I stick to my guns and be a b*!&$%?

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

Liberation or destruction?

Hi Pete,

I recently did some "house cleaning". I, like you thought it would be a good idea to be rid of the physical clutter in my life that may be contributing to my depression and hoped that somehow this would "help" alleviate some of the "pain". I went from room to room through every drawer, cupboard, closet, box etc. and looked at everything and instead of thinking is this causing me pain or does this relate to my depression, I changed my thoughts to is this something I use, will use in the near future or will never use again. After several days of this, and several garbage bags to the dump and donations to the second hand store it was done. I felt a little better knowing I accomplished something, but I also felt sad at having gotten rid of so much.

Before destroying or discarding anything in your life ask yourself if you will use it now, in the near future or never again, and then decide what you will do with it. If you are unsure and don't know, keep it. You can always do the "spring cleaning" next year.

Take care.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

Lifestyle Changes

Just thought I would let everyone know that "like a spoilt brat", I got my way and am seeing a female therapist. I have had 2 sessions with her and she seems very nice and I am comfortable with her. (not completely but hoping to open up more). She has suggested walking for 10 minutes once a week. This is to help me sleep and to try and elevate my mood, I don't believe this will work, but I have been trying. I still cry after phsyical activity and cannot sleep. I am now at 60 mg of celexa (I have noticed a bit of a change and the family says I am not such a grump) and the therapist suggested 25 mg of seraquel to help me sleep at night.

Thanks for letting me rant and for your comments.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

Lifestyle Changes

It is not that I don't like walking, I do it every day just like everyone else that can use their legs. It is just that mood is subjective, just because studies, by exercise freaks, says that exercise will improve your mood doesn't mean that it does, just like dieticians saying eating fish it will improve your mood. Why do professionals not understand that each person is unique and just because they say it is so, doesn't make it so.

No matter how much or how little exercise I participated in over the past 2 years, it has not improved my mood, weight, self esteem or sleep. Physical activity does not upset me, it is being around "hard bodies" at the gym, it is being told that it will help, when it doesn't, and the disappointment because yit's not doing anything for you other than making you more exhausted and unable to sleep. So more stress added, because "professionals" say so.

I cannot think a certain way just because some "professional" says so.

Like they say, there is no magic pill, bullet or whatever. I will continue to try new things (not food related because there are just too many nasty things the "professionals" say are healthy that will make me vomit), but if they do not prove to moderately improve my mood, weight, self esteem, etc. within a reasonable amount of time (a month) because I am not going to continue to bang my head till the day I die just so some professional can say "see, it works" when it doesn't work for everyone.

If I cannot get a modicum of pleasure, joy or see some benefit for myself, not "their" studies, out of something, what is the point in doing it? I don't care about my physical health, because thanks to my family history, I am screwed and I will "enjoy" taking medications for the rest of my life. Making "lifestyle changes" will only extend my life, it will not improve the quality of my life. What is the point of living forever if you cannot enjoy it?

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

Lifestyle Changes

Thank you for your replies and quotes from the studies that only show what they want to show.

It seems no-one actually takes an individual's account seriously if it doesn't fall in line with 85% of whatever. "You cannot be different, you must fall in line, continue to do things because we say so" and it doesn't matter that it doesn't make you happy as long as you do what we say. Continue, continue, continue, it doesn't matter if you are more exhausted, if the food tastes like **** and comes back up, this has been what we have "proven" by "our" studies to be the correct way, right way, our way of how the world should exist and if you don't tow the line, then fxxx you, because you don't matter. This is what I hear on a daily basis, I did not expect to see it here.

I have done more physical activity over the past week (has not helped with the sleep, self esteem or anything else for that matter), due to having my own family and taking care of my dad (who is single and has no-one else to help, because they all ran away and left me to deal with everything) at his home after he had his prostate removed because of cancer. I did not go to work because I had too much personal stuff to do. I put in 1200 km's on my van going back and forth and running errands for everyone. The one highlight of my days was spending an hour playing mario party with my husband and daughter.

Now I am at work, and I don't know if I will be able to stay for the whole week or not due to various appointments for my husband (who may have prostate cancer as well) and my dad. I am seriously ready to lose it here and it doesn't seem to matter to anyone, except for me.

Well thanks for listening and have a great day!!!!!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

Lifestyle Changes

Thank you Wildcat for your input.

The proof is me. I do not need a study to prove that what the studies say doesn't work for everyone and I don't need people discounting me, as you have just done. I do not mean to attack, but that is how I view your previous comments and it has offended me that where we are to help one another, someone, always has to find a way to put someone else down. Just like group therapy, group nutrition classes, group exercise classes. I don't like "group", because there is always someone who has to make themselves appear to be better than everyone else.

Breanne, thank you for understanding that I am a unique individual and that my thoughts matter. It is appreciated to have someone who will listen and not pass judgment because my views and experiences differ from others.

I will hang in there as the alternative isn't going to accomplish anything.

Evolution Health is not a healthcare provider and does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are currently thinking about or planning to harm yourself or someone else please call 911 or go to the nearest hospital emergency room.

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