Venting
Hi Wildcat,
This may not go over well, and I don't know what will, I just want to explain myself a little bit more clearly (in my mind, if it seems muddled or unclear or offensive, please let me know, I am trying to unmuddle things and get my thoughts to stop jumbling).
I love your posts to me. At least there is one person who will push me to think and who pays attention to what is written and not stop or completely ignore me when they see something they don't like or not have an answer for. I do not mean to put you down or anyone else for that matter, it is all a matter of how something is perceived and what twist one's thinking puts on things (not wrong or right, just individual).
Just to explain a little, it is difficult when I ask a point blank question, such has how many people wanted to participate in the study but did not get to participate because they didn't fit in with the same belief systems of the study, for example, people like me who would like to participate but cannot because they don't like to exercise and don't believe that it will benefit anyone except the money that the study takes in? This is something that should have an answer to. As a study, all of this should be included to test the validity of the study, a person's whole belief system should become public knowledge when implementing a study whether they do the study or participate in the study, as this impacts the outcome of the study more so than the actual study activities, or drugs themselves.
I do not sit and do nothing all day long, I do what needs to be done and I even go swimming and walking for my husband, and my doctor and my therapist, it is not something I would do for myself and it is not something I enjoy, nor can ever see myself enjoying, I feel completly idiotic and overwhelmed, teary, sad, angry and exhausted when I do more than is necessary (regular daily activities, housework, stairs, work-work, something with an immediate result not a result that will never be reached or will be reached in 6 months or a year, I need things done now as I am sick and tired of waiting (selfish child that I am).
I have tried a multitude of physical activities in my life and have not found one (aside from recreational pro-creation with my husband) that makes me feel better physically or emotionally. I lose weight, my self-esteem doesn't budge, I gain weight my self-esteem doesn't budge, I am who I am and no amount of diet or exercise will change that, the so-called health benefits are that I may live longer, but not necessarily enjoy the things I like .
With my depression, I just feel hopeless and awkward because I don't "fit it", I can't make my thoughts and beliefs change just to blend in with others. I don't want to lose myself.
I do not like group activites, I do not like strange people touching me or talking to me. I have enough of this with my husband's and my health care providers I don't need or want any more. I keep looking for things that I may like but so far aside from staying inside my home and being with my family I haven't found anything.
I must admit I do like to argue, but that is my sick, perverted way of getting other people to think that there is something more than just their side of things and not to push one-sided way of thinking on me (there are two sides to everything, I do see things from both perspectives, I just get a pleasure out of pointing it out to others that their way isn't the only way and that they should look deeper than just the surface). As for the "freaks" these are the people who continuously push only one side of things, they exercise, they eat "healthy", they follow along unquestioningly, they follow all the rules except
