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15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

Moving Along

Crazy as it sounds, I cannot do this part for me, it is not going to be reviewed by me, I am asked to do something, I do it, I get it done, have the decency to look at it. I don't care if it's right or wrong, I took the time to do it, and it feels wasted if the person who asked me to do it doesn't look at it. That's all I am saying.

I know what makes me miserable, I know what makes me happy, I don't know why I have panic attacks, they just happen out of the blue. When they happen, I cannot write down the when, where and what I was thinking, because it usually happens when I am least expecting it, driving, grocery shopping, phone ringing (this one I know is because I am tired of people calling and asking for money we don't have and them constantly telling me I am a liar).

I am not a detective, and I don't particularly enjoy doing all the work myself, that is why I am going to a therapist, to get help figuring it out and because I am tired of doing it all myself. I don't feel the ahaa moments like most people, I do not get a satisfaction out of being able to figure out things myself, this is something I have had to do all my life, no-one has actually taught me, it was always, you figure it out, potty training, my sister did so could I, cooking, cleaning, school work etc. just stuff I could do. I wanted the teachers to shut up so that I could get it done, because they were just confusing me.

Now I am burnt out, now I want someone to take me by the hand and tell me what to do, how to do it etc. I need the one on one, I need the guidance (I have sort of latched on to you one-on-one). I need and crave the approval, I have always heard your not good enough, you have to do more, do more for me, do more for others, you don't count, what you want doesn't matter and never will. Bah, I am just too tired to hear it and be discounted anymore.

I want to write the story down so I can get things moving. I am not ready to look back on it by myself, I want someone to look at it with me and point things out to me.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

List of Good Things That Have Happened Recently

Good things, I have responded to a newbie here, and hope that the newbie will check out the "List" and add to it.

5 new posts on the "List" since I last posted.

Well, have a great weekend and I hope to see more posts next week.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

what to do this week-end?

Hi Wildcat seems that you have alot to accomplish. You could pick up some bags and put your linens in them folded nicely Close the bag and such the qair out with th vacuum then tie up with twist tie and voila you have several small bags that can fit in closts, or rubbermaid continers but kept safe and dry. I did the a couple of years ago and this made me more space than I could ever have imagined.

Great news about your back.

Well good luck tackling the mess.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

Making excuses

No, Buts (just the behind). Actually, it is never a but, it is rather I don't want to, I don't want to go for a jog/walk or anything else, it will not make me feel better, happy, cold or otherwise, it will make me sweat, angry and not a very nice person to be around. It is not productive, it does not produce any tangible results for me or anyone else therefore it is completely useless. I have tried and will not try something I don't like more than a couple of times because if I don't like it, it isn't doing me any good.

But, thanks for the sugggestion.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

mamography ...

That is too bad Wildcat, hopefully it is nothing. It is scary and you are entitled to feel however you feel, scared or otherwise, this is your life and do not negate your need to have emotions in order to work through the difficulties.

I have a tendency to joke about breast cancer with my family and friends, they all have big breasts and mine are so small, there ain't no way they can squish them into any machine. So chin up, breasts forward, up, sideways, down (wherever they may be) and be proud of who you are and be positive we will help you fight through this even from a distance.

My best wishes to you and your family.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

Venting

Well, I have been sick for a week with the flu, I couldn't even get out of bed most days so no work, guilty feelings about not being at work and anxiety over the nasty thoughts that come into my head ie. losing my job etc. So my heart has been racing and I feel like it may explode, the headache is terrible.

I was feeling good over the weekend, still tired but workable. Sunday night, my van decided it was going to peeeeeeee and peeeeeee. So I had to call in to work and let them know that I wouldn't make it on Monday, because I had to fix it. So Monday, I fixed the leak. I took it for a test drive and with all the rad fluid all over the motor and electrical components, it decided to go funky, and become possessed, lights on off, buzzers on off freaky surges in gas etc. So I got home and parked the bugger and turned it off. Stupid thing wouldn't start again.

I rinsed off the motor and electrical components and let it dry for hours and hours, got it started yay. Slept in today, the van wouldn't start again, got a boost, borrowed a portable booster, got to work @ 11:00. Submitted my timesheet (I hope I get paid for my sick time (usually do) but as usual anxiety is lurking there). No-one has said anything bad about my missing work last week, still anxious stressed, headache, shaky.

What next????

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

List of Good Things That Have Happened Recently

Good things, if you read my Venting post, you will know not much good has happened so here goes, as small as it may be, I got up and went to work today, yay. Still would rather be snuggled up under my blankies at home, but hey, at least I am out of the house, not getting dirty and actually accomplishing something positive.

Hey guys, I know most of you out there have one good thing that they can share with us, let's make this list grow so everyone can have something positive to read to help them cheer up.

This week's challenge will be to see if we can get at least 10 posts from anyone who feels like posting something good again, doesn't have to be "WOW" or even "EHH" whatever you feel may be good is good enough.

Thanks guys.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

List of Good Things That Have Happened Recently

One more good thing, I got paid for my sick days.

Things are looking up, maybe I will treat my family to take out tonight.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

a bit about me

Areilly, sounds familiar yet distinct.

I think most of us here are on 3++++ medications for this, that and the other thing, the weight thing is a given to most people, as we do not fit into what is considered the "normal" or "healthy" range, the doctors not knowing way back when, pretending everything was fine until finally the last straw broke and you have nothing left to hang on to. The cutting is familiar to me as well, it is like letting the pain out physically that cannot escape by any other tangible means.

Now you have found a way to express verbally to people who will not judge, who like you are experiencing similar issues, who have the ups and downs (way ups and way downs), feelings of being alone and anxious, and just about every other feeling out there.

Keep posting, keep checking the posts and keep going, you can beat this with a little help from your meds, friends, counsellors, and internet.

All my best and hope to hear from you soon.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

Moving Along

Blond I am, born that way, recently went to dark golden blond (everyone says it is medium to dark brown, just like my sister). Now as for Ms. Therapist, I was sick last week, so I had to reschedule, this week I am to see her with my hubby again, I will bring it up, when I am seeing her alone.

Lonely Cyber-World goes in spurts from nothing to lots to nothing again, I think it may have to do with the moon, like full moons make everyone a little crazier

and more free etc.

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