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15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

List of Good Things That Have Happened Recently

Wildcat, I will help you hold your string and maybe, eventually, we can have enough of them that we can braid them to make them stronger. (did that make sense?)

Good luck at your appointments.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

Venting

Breanne, thanks for the encouragement, but I am sick of all the challenges/changes and I just want to take a break and catch my breath before the next terrible thing happens. Still gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now (not to the bathroom).

I have gone over sessions 4 and 5 and believe me, it is going to take more than 2 weeks of homework and 15 minutes of reading to make me come around. I don't see a difference and I am a very results oriented person. If I don't see results, (in a reasonable amount of time (sooner rather than later) then it isn't doing anything for me. I don't have time to wait 6 months for something to work, I need to deal with the here and now, here and now, in 6 months there's going to be a whole new pile of here and now to be dealt with.

Being positive for others is much easier than being positive for yourself, everyone says, "sounds like you are going through alot right now". This is not supportive, it is pointing out the obvious. The thing is, I have found that most people don't want to look back over the entire pile, they seem to be more into covering up the pile, than deal with the crap before using the fertilizer. Kind of like helping someone deal with their past experiences in a more helpful way and teaching them how to use these experiences to propel them forward and make them more capable of dealing with the piles in a more manageable way. Kind of like composting, if you just let it sit and decompose, there is a big stink, you must stir it and throw in the worms and take care of the pile before you throw it in your garden to grow something good.

Yikes, too much swimming and shovelling this weekend, sorry for the bi**** attitude thrown in above.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

back and forth ... again

Wildcat, take a deep breath. 1, 2, 3, 4........

Now what is wrong with giving the googly eyes, you are a woman and as such have a woman's urges (believe me I know them). The tight sweater, the pashmina, make you feel alive, sexy and desirable (for me it is waiting for the kids to leave the room and flashing my husband), sometimes when we are down, we do completely off the wall things to try to lift us up. As for the little extra attention your hubby got this weekend, wow, I do the same thing with my husband as much as possible. It can never be a bad thing if it is with the one you love. So a stranger makes you hot, you aren't sleeping with him, you wait and bring it home to hubby for some primal stress relief.

Now, before not seeing these professionals, ask yourself, is it helping your daughter, at all, in any way? If yes, say to your husband, before you leave, to go have a shower and get the bed turned down, cause when you get home, the kids are having KD and hot dogs and you are locking yourself up in the bedroom with him until one of you passes out from all the stress relief. If the osteopath isn't helping then by all means stop going.

I had a similar reaction many years ago, woohoo, all I could think about was stress relief, and how good X and Y looked in their jeans and imagined what it would be like and so on and so forth. My hubby was extremely grateful for this and as you know this does pass and you love your husband and he loves you and KEEP BREATHING.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

Venting

Breanne, thank you for your post. My post may seem angry and I do not mean for it to come out that way. I appreciate your insight and am just trying to point out that variety is appreciated as well.
While most often the words of encouragement can and are appreciated there are occasions when one has heard it too many times and feels that they are being brushed off with the same platitudes one gives a small child and not an adult.

As for a quick fix, that would be wonderful, I do believe that with all of the changes and trying things that everyone is saying that I should see some form of improvement or some tiny improvement, not leave me to wonder if this is going to fix it or if I am just following because they say I should.

I would like for some teaching in how to deal with the past in order to proceed with the future. Positive thinking, and faking it until you make it are lies and they teach use to hide from the truth rather than deal with realty and move forward with our lives to be more productive for ourselves and others. I have been faking it for many years, and believe once I stopped faking it, I felt better about myself and am attempting to deal with realty how it actually is/was rather than how I am supposed to perceive it.

cont...

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

Venting

cont...

What I would say to someone who just said what I said, I would say, soul-mate, wow, I am not the only one who thinks like this and instead of brushing it off (like I have been in the past), I would say, come let's talk about it and see if we, together, can come up with some ways to get past this. When asked to teach, I would draw from personal experiences, rather than quote from studies (as you know, I believe studies are not honest, realistic or valid).

When asked a one on one question, I would definitely need to provide my own tried and true theories and not some rhetoric spouted to me that "should" work, "proven" to work or other information spoon fed to me by those in power.

I do understand that these studies are performed by the strictest of codes and that everyone needs to eat and therefore get paid for their work and I don't fault the people for performing these studies and putting their own twist on things. Everyone is unique that way and is entitled to form their own opinions and theories. Heck if paid enough, I would swear under oath, on the stand that little green leprechauns have the cure for depression and if you can catch him and put him in a cage and feed him only toenails, he will keep you happy, healthy and free of any ills for the rest of his life. (Little St. Patty's day humour, my St. Patty (son) is 6'5" not so little).

Again, I would like to apologize if this post seems angry at all, I can see that it may, I just don't know how else to put my point across so as not to offend anyone. Thanks for listening and have a good night.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

back and forth ... again

Wildcat, you have been there for me to slap me to let me know I am being a complete twit and for that I thank you, it is time for me to reciprocate a bit as well, instead of ranting and raving and being in my own psychotic world.

Now the fantasy and role playing are my coping mechanism when realty becomes too unbearable, I do draw the line and it only exists in my home, with my husband. The fantasy may start elsewhere but it always leads me home. I lived there for quite awhile until realty slapped me so hard my head still hasn't stopped spinning.

I don't know, I sometimes get my rocks off to the more intense emotional reactions, I love the two ends ecstatic and anger they make me feel so alive after so many months or years of slumbering in the middle and being exhausted and sad. I enjoy the energy associated with it. I hate the lethargy that I am left with when it is over. I know what you are thinking, I have not been diagnosed with bipolar, I haven't had an "episode" in many, many years.

I would hope that when you go into your manic phases, you enjoy them as much as possible (the positive parts), and remember before the crash that there are those of us out there who love you and will be there to catch you when you crash. Any of the negative parts associated with your manic phase can be forgiven, you just need to find a way to control any negative aspects, medications, CBT or anything else that may help, I used to clean, cleaning was safe (except no gloves and harsh chemicals my hands look old, dry and wrinkly).

Embrace every part of who you are, enjoy the good times, work through the hard times and remember there are always people who love you and want to be with you and help you.

I know, easier to say to someone else, and not so easy to believe for yourself but we can work on it.

Lotsa love

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

Moving Along

OK, I am probably one of the most impatient people in the world. Having said that, I want my therapy with my psychologist to progress, it seems that I get to talk for a couple of minutes, she gives me "homework" and then doesn't even look at the homework at the following session.

I really like her as a person and my husband even likes her (and he's like Mikey he hates everything).

I thought that it might be helpful to maybe type up a brief story of my life (thankfully, I am only 35). Does anyone out their believe this might be helpful, or is it just me, making more work for me?

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

back and forth ... again

Wildcat,

A little suggestion, if the weather is good, go for a family bike ride and put together a picnic that you can enjoy in the family room on a blanket or if the kids are too busy, have a nice romantic picnic with your hubby.

Just a suggestion, but I bet it sure would be fun.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

Moving Along

Thank you,

I have started the novel, (hahaha). I thought I would start with the good memories first. I have enough bad stuff right now, I didn't want to make it worse, but I will tackle that as well. I have made it up to age 16 of good memories. Wow 19 more years to go.

It is harder and harder to come up with good stuff that has happened without attempting to put down the bad stuff that happened as well. I want to keep the two separate so that one day, I may be able to look back at what I have done and see the black and white, and realize the gray in between is where I am. I am tired of being in the dark. I want to have sunshine and shade but no more dark.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

How Do You Stop Yourself From Thinking

Thanks for the replies,

Still my mind races, I don't like to do nothing, unless I plan on sleeping. Even then the thoughts keep going. I will continue to breath and continue to try to not think, but I don't think this is possible for me. I don't have a "happy place", because when I think of my happy places, I think that they are all gone now, dead, sold, destroyed whatever and then I get sad and start thinking the negative thoughts and cry and get sad, blah, blah, blah. Music, I like country, not too helpful there. Imagery, my imagination, consists of conspiracies and paranoid thoughts, so not a good idea. I don't want to read a book that tells me how to relax when I can read some historical smut that makes me forget about realty for a a few minutes. Clutter, clutter, bells ringing, chores to be done, bills to be paid, go, go, go, still no "quiet time". Quiet time is when I sleep and even then it is only to dream about what has to be done, what I have done, or even crazier helping out people I don't even know.

Last night I dreamt I helped my neighbour, after he had surgery, from around the corner and he gave me his old jeep. I don';t even like to drive a standard, but there I was cooking and cleaning for a complete stranger (not really I know his name and our dogs like each other my toy pommie and his great dane, cute couple, my poor boy keeps trying :) to no avail), and driving a Jeep. I am completely looney.

Thanks for listening.

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