just started the program today. I was googling serotonine and noreprenephrine as part of learning about my new scrip i got from the doc today for wellbutrin. i have had trouble before and had success with counseling but have never tried meds before. went a different way this time because my problems this past month have more to do with not wanting to do anything (especially get out of bed) and a generalized, but exteme, lack of interest in life. i think my previous problems were the same as now and i just focused on relationship problems that were more of a distraction from my own internal depression.
i really like what i have learned so far. it has given me an aha! moment when i thought back to the many failures i have had to endure at work and in my personal life this past year. situations where it was in my best interest to accept defeat rather than continue to fight. that is how my brain chemistry changed. i am looking forward to regaining my interest in old activities and returning to my old fun-loving and indefatigable self.
i started my activity log and mood tracker today, will start wellbutrin and resume ritalin tomorrow, and may even schedule an appointment with my therapist. also have to quit drinking. wow, i think that is enough excitement for now. :|
welcome. i am brand-spanking-new myself. i am ging to start meds tomorrow. you can read more about me in my intro titled "glad i found you" or something like that. look forward to sharing....laura
you got it MsPuck. i am naturally a very positive and energetic person who shares a lot. have you started the Depression Program? i found the session 1 materials very interesting. they present several theories of causes of depression. in the Evolution and Biology theory depression is what happens when the Involuntary Defeat Strategy gets turned on and doesnt get turned off again. the IDS is defined as a hard-wired biological response that triggers when when we realize that we are in a competition that we can not win. the IDS automatically signals that we are ready to concede defeat. this is where i think the brain chemisty enters in.
my most recent IDS trigger was on sept 19 when i discovered that my wallet and my identity had been stolen. i seriously wanted to kick someone's @ss. but i couldn't. i filed police reports and flagged my credit history and negotiated with banks and merchants to remove fruadulent charges, but i couldn't stop those people from stealing hundreds of dollars in my name. even though i could protect myself, i could not fight back against the people who had hurt me, so i had to concede defeat.
this was the latest in a serious of painful defeats. boyfriend dumped me (good ridance now, but then....); coworkers backstabbing me, sexually harrassing me and creating a hostile work environment but i couldnt fight back because it was just on a temporary assignment and was expected to suck it up until i could move on; and made-an-example-of in a ridiculus show on management's power where my own union advised me that i was better off not fighting.
it is interesting, i thought i was doing a good job accepting defeat when it was in my best interest. i had had problems through out my life with my stubborn nature and rebel nature and had been through some really rough times. but, it turns out there can be a price to pay in accepting defeat. depression.
i have had some rough experiences lately that have left me feeling drained. i took the depression test and scored right at the upper edge of moderate-to-severe depression. but all of my high scores related to loss of interest in all activites, loss of energy and enthusiasm and not wanting to get out of bed. but no problem with self image, no self hate, no worthlessness. sure, i have negative thoughts and they are repeating and they are: "i hate everything and everybody." and "black". but right now my negative thoughts are focused outside of me, not inside. and my negative thoughts are triggered by being forced to interact with the world, either by having to get up or having to drive or having to interact with my children. watching TV and sleeping, no problem, everything is cool. i figure my jollies-returned-for-pleasurable-activity switch is stuck and am counting on wellbutrin to inhibit the re-uptake of my feel-goods so i can return to the life that i enjoy. not that i dont have periods of low self-esteem, this just doesnt seem to relate to my current extreme apathy, which, btw, has been going on for over a month now. any thoughts?
here is a suggestion:
run with it. say ok, my hair totally sucks. what is the worst thing that could happen? someone might think i was a total loser becuase my hair looks so bad. some guy might not want to date me. some other parent might think i am a terrible parent cause my hair is yucky. what a bunch of silly people they are. maybe i will cornrow it and see what happens.
i mean really, my hair is crap. oily and dirty. big deal. i will wash it and it will be frizzy and spastic-looking. big deal. doesnt make me a loser. doesnt make me a bad parent. doesnt make me a less lovable person. just makes me a person that isn't interested in spending a lot of time and money to make my hair look better. i spent $25 yesterday to get a deep condition. she said if i did it every week it would improve. HA! not gonna happen, $100 a month? no way! all those expensive hair cuts. expensive color weaves and highlights. expensive products. all that money hasn't fixed the problem, it apprently requires time and effort styling and ironing it. forget about it. i got better things to do. and better ways to spend my money. thinking that it looks like crap surely isnt going to improve it, but it does make me feel bad about myself. what have your negative thoughts done for you lately? i can tell you who benefits from all of our negative thoughts, though, the beauty industry. if they can convince that there is one standard of beauty and get us to chase it then they get big bucks. whiter teeth. straighter teeth. dermabrasion. facial peel. new clothes. new shoes. new car. new home furnishings. all of it preys on our low self-esteem. screw them, i am keeping my money, thankyou very much, who knows, i might feel better one day and want to celebrate in a tropical local! fight back people, dont get sold on the idea that you arent good enough. lets all save our money for an i-feel-good-about-myself-and-you-cant-stop-me celebration! ;p
mspuck, as a single mom, i would love to help you enjoy some of my grass, three kids make for veritable field! seriously though, your love of children could be a seen as a gift, a fantastic gift that was given to you to share with lonely children everywhere. and you could recieve the gift of a child's love back also. try an experiment. share some joy with a child this week, those little suckers are all over the place. MsPuck, i command you to waltz on over and eat that grass, and then maybe follow it up with a good oldfashioned mudpie!
yeah, i didnt want to say it before, but i love my children. you must have considered being a foster parent. could you share why that is not an option?
this is the first time i have been depressed and not been in a relationship. it has worked out much better for me. i used to be a relationship addict. as soon as one relationship ended i was desperate to get into another. but now i am in recovery, in fact i have passed on every single relationship oportunity that has come my way in the last year and a half because i knew that i would not find happiness with them. at 42 with 3 kids i have to be very selective. also, at this age, most of the "good" partners are in relationships, leaving the guys who are not so well equiped as the vast majority. ah, well, no worries, got plenty of time.
but as to the topic, how depression as a single person has been different. the biggest advantage is that i cant blame someone else for "making me feel bad". going along with that is that i cant distract myself by fighting with my partner. also, i dont have to worry about how i am bringing someone else down. or, to flip it over completely, how i have to walk on eggshells so that i dont upset my partner. now that i am not in a dance of disfunction i can concentrate on the rythyms and cadences of my life. i love to dance by myself, finding the steps and moves that joyfully express the music in me. what is it the say, dance like noone is watching.....
i came here becuase i didnt want to get out of bed for the last month and i no longer enjoyed any of the activites i used to: yoga, cycling, dancing, crafts, weight-training, dating. i already feel so much better. must be the upward spiral. i took my first wellbutrin today, so i know it cant be the meds making me feel better. i just cant believe how much hope i have right now. i feel like i am already cured. crazytalk, obviously.
so. my goals are: to return to my active lifestyle and lose wieght. to return to dating and find an emotionally healthy person to develop a supportive and fufilling relationship with. to enjoy my kids more and take them to do fun things on a regular basis. to develop strong relationships with each of my kids, especially my son who is rather difficult right now. to not be adversely affected by my Dad's criticism. to form some strong friendships with positive people. to take up a martial art. to resurrect my old hobbies of furniture restoration and gardening. that would be totally awesome.
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