I’m 33, I’ve struggled with depression since I was 8, at that point they called it generalized depression, after a car accident at 18 they called it PTSD, at 20 they called it Post-Partum, at 24 they decided it was Bi Polar disorder (which I don’t necessarily agree with, the diagnosis was based on other family members diagnosis’s not my actual case). I have been to multiple professionals in that time as insurances changed, Dr’s retired or moved, I have been on more medications than I can count, none of which did more good than the side effects warranted. I have been off medication and refusing to see a Dr for a few years, I’m just simply put tired of it. Tired of one size fits all programs and treatment consisting of a 5 min apt and a new script. I’m here to take this from a different angle, there is no why at this stage in life, and I’m hoping a re-boot of the base logic will help.

I have 2 kids, I’ve been divorced from their father and I co-habitate with a fantastic man I hope to someday call my husband. He is my biggest supporter and cheerleader. I over analyze, second guess, and my head noise is my own worst enemy. My ex used to tell me I was paranoid, I was imagining things, it was all in my head, 10 years of that and anyone would question reality (turns out he was cheating on me, he was a drug addict, he was taking my belongings and my money). I’m new here, I want this to work, I want to change my mental scenery and ditch the broken record. For me personally I don’t think another MD will do any good. I have Kaiser, my daughter is ADHD, my son is high functioning Autistic (after finally getting a real diagnosis, and real testing through his new school, he was labeled bi-polar since he was 8, his diagnosis was based on mine), Kaiser prescribes them pills and that’s it, actual treatment is only offered at school. The schools they are in are fantastic and they both have bloomed beautifully this year, my girl is the best I’ve ever seen her in terms of learning and social adaptation. My son has friends, for the first time in ages and his grades are climbing. My kids are the light of my life, and to see them doing so well warms my heart.

Working on step 2 what I found helpful was looking back at mood patterns, and drawing some connections. I realized that my manager is my A#1 trigger for spiraling mood, if I'm in a good mood I won't be for long, if I'm in a bad mood she feeds on it and makes it worse. Example last week I was in a decent mood, working on a project that is part of my job and I enjoy, she came in made snippy remarks about a co-worker, I listened to what she had to say and went back to my project (I don't like being involved in drama and office politics). She stormed back in to my office 5 min later to demand I throw 2 staplers away (one she had requested I order a few weeks ago) and to tell me to order something that actually worked, not this crap ... needless to say mood tanked. On the upside I've noticed my boyfriend does a lot to improve my mood, including going out of his way to make it better. He talks to me, gives me massages, cooks me dinner, sends me flowers and goes out of his way to make my day better.

I can't really do much for my activity level at the moment, I have a bad hip that has decided to act up, and I’m using a cane just to walk. When it started around the middle of January, my boss thought the best way for me to get better was to climb ladders shuffling boxes, when I said I couldn't I got to stand there and hold the boxes as she riffled through them, complaining that I couldn’t do the fetching. Then 2 days of filing paper work, and a trip to the store for 2 months worth of supplies, carrying cases of water, paper, paper towels, 8 cases of toilet paper … all in all a 500.00 truck load of stuff I then got to offload. That trip landed me in the emergency room and they figured out nothing was broken, and then referred me to an orthopedic surgeon. My manager figured that means I should be doing more filing, and carrying stuff up and down the stairs. 5 weeks into this the Dr put me on a cane, and anti-inflammatory meds, if the pain isn’t better in 4 weeks they start more invasive treatment. Now she just finds every reason under the sun to come in and make comments about how she has foot problems and it doesn’t stop her. Before all this started, I walked for the sake of walking, I just enjoyed it, and I’m hoping I can get back to it eventually.

My sleep pattern is already good, I go to bed and get up around the same time every day, I usually get about 7 hrs (not enough hours in the day to get 8, I need wind down after the kids go to bed).

Goals have always been a challenge for me, I don't really know how to set them, I chose "get my chores done by Sunday" because that really the only thing I struggle with, in the way of tasks. My days are very scheduled from the time I get up to the time I go to sleep, it's always the same. We cook dinner every night, I take my lunch (sandwich, light yogurt, and a coke) everyday, I eat the same protein bar in the morning (I'm not actually hungry, but I know I should eat something). I don't really have anything to set as a goal, and no time to take on anything new.

I do a lot of these "pleasant activities" already they don't really do much for my mood. I go to the movies a couple times a month because my boyfriend likes to go, I don't really enjoy it, even when it's a movie that looks interesting, or that I was looking forward to. I don't like watching TV, the bf likes to so we do. I like reading, but nothing is holding my attention I have 6 books in progress right now, I pick them up read a bit and set them back down. I enjoy doing art projects, but I completely lack the creativity right now, I've even printed out pages so I can practice shading and blending without having to "create" anything, it amounts to busy work. Even showering while I do it daily, seems more a chore I have to make time for than anything enjoyable. Everything just seems like more trouble than it's worth and I feel trapped.

I have sat down to write this response almost every day, and everyday it has timed out. I’m not that long winded, I just try to choose my words wisely. In each case my perception has changed, and that what it really boils down to is perception.

To answer your points:

1)      I have kept an activity/mood log every day. After day 2, I bought a notebook. Additionally as more tracking is required, I have included it in my efforts. I only do data entry every few days and always from my notes.

2)      Goals – I am not good at short term goals, I never have been. I am good at long term goals (I will put away x$ every month and move at the end of my lease), that goal has been completed, took a year. My long term goal is that we (Chris & I) are saving for a house. My to do list is pretty identical every day, and it gets done every day, if it isn’t someone doesn’t eat.

3)      No I am not depressed 100% of the time, my “bright spots” tend to be around my kids and Chris (my boyfriend), that’s not to say I am only depressed at work or that I’m never depressed at home. There is no pattern, my mood fluxes are based on interactions and perception not Circadian rhythm.

4)      Changes/going forward – I deal with frustration as well as many other emotions every day. Choosing to vent my frustration here was a poor decision on my part. I need to find an outlet for my emotions, I no longer smoke, I am no longer in physical condition to keep up my more active hobbies, and creatively my mind is too cluttered to do anything that won’t result in more frustration. I need to find something new to immerse myself in.

Eleveno, you are correct they are emotions experienced in relation to and or amplified by depression. I saw many Dr.’s over a 20 year period (1986-2006, no Dr. shopping, just changes in insurance), there is nothing new down that road for me. I came here because I strongly believe learned behaviors (and responses) can be unlearned, I’m just going to keep working the program. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I know they were from the heart