Positive Self-Growth from Shari

You're welcome Cara!

Positive Self-Growth from Shari

Having a weak moment this morning.  And, I don't have anyone to talk to, so I hope it's okay that I talk here.  Last night I had a dream that I flew to Korea to see Moon.  He talked to me, but he wouldn't look at me.  We went to Japan together.  The plane was flying really low through a jungle and we saw Crane birds.  Then, the plane crashed, but we were fine.  Then, we took a taxi van, and it crashed, and we were fine. Then, I woke up.  I think the dream means that our relationship crashed, our promises crashed, our life together and future plans crashed.  I know not to cry over someone who was cruel and harsh.  And, I wouldn't want to go back and be treated that way again.  I keep running into people who ask me about him.  And, I say we're no longer together. Everyone keeps telling me he used me.  And, because I couldn't make him rich in the USA, he dumped me.  This hurts me to the core.  Because, I don't want to believe it.  I want to believe he loved me.  Feelings of embarrassment, hurt and other uncomfortable emotions are just flooding through me.  I am crying, because what I learned from the past, is that if I stuff my feelings, that's when anxiety and panic can creep back in.  So, I'm going to shower, get out of the house and make plans with myself to create an exciting and happy and awesome life.  This too shall pass.  It caught me off guard. So, I have to deal with it and get through it and keep moving forward and push through.  This feeling won't last forever. It's temporary and uncomfortable, but that's all it is.  I hope I didn't drag anyone down.  I usually don't post unless it's positive.  But, I am human like everyone else.  It's just a broken heart, but from past experience, it will mend in time.  Thanks for listening and have a great day.  And, chin up and move forward with whatever unexpected things the day brings.  And, I'm taking my own advice :-)

Positive Self-Growth from Shari

Quick hello.  I had to go to Lab Corp for a follow up blood test to see if my thyroid level increased or returned to normal.  I thought about the blood test yesterday and was nervous, but I did other things and forgot about it.  I got about 4 hours of sleep, for no particular reason.  As my Dad says, "Never worry about not sleeping.  When your body needs it, it will sleep."  So, again nervous this morning, but I talked with the Nurse the whole time and focused on the conversation and I didn't notice the blood test.  I think I was on auto pilot distraction - ha ha.  I'm not worried about the result.  Because, if I'm fine, then I've wasted a lot of happiness in between :-)  I'm also fine from the last post.  From experience, in a day or two everything always looks brighter.  It happens every time.  Hope you're all having a great day!

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Hi, My name is Shari.  I, successfully, completed this program in 2011.  And, I have been panic free for five years.  I was able to fly around the world solo in 2014.  I was on International and National airplanes for a total of 35 hours in ten days.  It had seemed I had conquered all fear.  During those five years I've been able to manage anxiety extremely easily.  Now, anxiety is trying to turn back into panic and I need the help of this Support Group and the Health Educator's and Davit once again.  I have been surviving minute to minute for these past four months.  I will share with you what has transpired in my life which has caused such high anxiety to be triggered in my life once again.  I, finally, had the guts to leave an abusive marriage of sixteen years.  I relocated to Florida.  I had to move twice having arrived in Florida because, the first rental house was a "sick house".  It was filled with deadly toxic mold and high amounts of Carbon Monoxide poisoning was leaking into the house.  A year ago my Mom was diagnosed with inoperable Multiple Myeloma, Leukemia and Osteoporosis.  The cancers were so far gone that they could not be treated.  She was on palliative care for 366 days.  Shortly after we settled here in Florida, my Mom deteriorated quickly.  In Home Hospice was called.  A week and a half later, my Mom died at home while I held her hand and talked to her.  I know she is in heaven but, I miss my Mom.  I'm happy she is not suffering but, it is a great loss to me and my Dad.  It changed me forever.  I don't take anything for granted.  I was on good terms with my Mother so, I have no guilt.  We talked and said everything we needed to say.  My Dad has changed.  I had to be strong for him and I had to make all the arrangements.  I have supported him and I have no support system at all.  I don't have any friends or family down here.  I'm afraid I will get booted off before posting this.  So, I'll post and continue part two...

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Continued from post below...I tried meeting friends at Meetup groups and tried online dating.  I was stood up on my birthday and it's been one disaster after the next.  Then, Hurricane Matthew hit.  Dad and I were without power for nine hours.  I've called Hospice for a list of Grief Counselors and Support Groups and I think I should go to an Abused Persons Support Group as well.  I have non life threatening physical issues from all of the stress.  I feel overwhelmed.  I just want to go back to my ex for a temporary fix of being in familiar surroundings and be comfortable again.  But, I know I can't.  Because, the abuse will cycle over and over again without end.  So, I stay here and keep going and I struggle and I suffer.  I keep walking through the fear, the pain, the grief, the anxiety and the feelings of panic trying to possess me once again.  I won't let it!  I don't know how much longer I can keep going.  I will never kill myself.  I keep going out to meet people to no avail.  Because of the hurricane, I haven't receive the list of Counselors or Support Groups.  So, I'm back here.  I replace negative thoughts with positive true statements and it's like when I first came to this site.  It's difficult.  Thanks for listening and I hope I didn't give anyone second hand anxiety for everything I wrote.

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P.S.  from posts below...I had to give up two Chihuahuas and three Syrian Hamsters to move down to Florida to live in a rental.  My third Chihuahua died two weeks before I moved down here.

I´m Back

P.S.S. from below posts...My Dad and I don't know if we should move closer to friends and family.  But, even centrally located to everyone back home, it would still be long drives to visit everyone.  Then, we'd have to start all over again and adjust to another new environment.  And, if Dad or I needed Hospice, in the future, we would want to move back down here to have Vitas take care of us.  They were wonderful. 

I´m Back

Hi Ashley,  It's so good to hear from you again.  Well, I'm distracting myself on a dating website.  There are lots of scammers but, it keeps me occupied.  I woke up this morning and I feel better after having a more restful sleep.  I always tell myself things will look better in the morning.  And, they usually do.  I've been taking over the counter anti inflammatory medication for muscle tension and it eases some of the pain.  Small steps of self-care.  I came down to Florida with one Chihuahua and I was told by the management that I could have another.  So, I drove down near Miami a six and a half hour round trip, by myself.  The new puppy is a God send for me and my single Chihuahua.  My Dad and I went to the pet store and he showed me a tiny baby Dwarf Roborovski Hamster and I added her to my family.  The Hamster is great company if I wake in the night.  She's a comfort.  I don't recommend people getting pets to fill emotional voids.  Sometimes they can add more stress than be a comfort.  But, I can't imagine my life without them.  I don't plan on getting more.  I have the right balance and if my Dad and I move to PA next summer, I won't have to give up any of the pets being in another rental situation.  I always have hope and I never give up.  I just keep facing the storms head on.  One day they must get better or, I must get stronger.  Thank God for this site and the support.  I'm not worrying.  And, I will look into mindfulness.  Thank you!  I try to be present and live in the moment which helps.  Bella will sit on my lap while Beso wants me to play a game of fetch.  I find myself joyful in those moments.  I laugh and it feels good.  I know life is perpetual change so, good things will come around again.  And, feelings of anxiety or panic are temporary and they pass.  I don't give in to panic nor feed into it anymore.  I learned that from the coping skills here.  I can prevent it.  It's just the memory of it that scares me from time to time.  I think it will happen but, it doesn't.  I stave it off with coping skills and it works.  I am managing anxiety better today.  I know in the end that everything will work out and be okay.  The positive is that I am learning to have patience and I'm learning perseverance.  Now, I am just going to breathe and relax.

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P.S.  I've discovered that what I focus on is what I will get.  So, I focus on the positive.  I have a heart of gratitude and I am thankful.  I focus on blessings.  I counteract every negative thought with a positive true statement and I believe it.  I am fortunate that I have a place to live.  I have food to eat.  I have the luxury of having pets.  I am out of my abusive situation and I have freedom.  I don't focus on my physical pain caused by stress.  I am grateful for my health.  I have set goals and have written steps to achieve those goals.  It gives me purpose.  Here are my goals:  Stop running, make friends and self-care.  I keep trying regardless of rejection.  I can't control other people or, some circumstances.  But, I have control over myself and my thoughts, actions and behaviors.  I try new things and I get myself out of the house.  Friends won't look for me in my apartment and come knocking on my door.  I have a list of positive affirmations and when I feel anxiety, panic coming, or depression, I read them out loud.  Here are a couple of examples:  I do not run.  I face all challenges and I go through them and I am okay.  And, I believe what I say out loud.  This is how I am handling things right now. 

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I've added mindfulness to my list of personal goals.  Step 1:  I found a great book on Amazon and I ordered it with one day delivery so, I'll have it tomorrow.  I was able to "Look Inside" online and I liked the Table of Contents and a portion of what I read.  The book is called, "Mindfulness:  An Eight-Week Plan For Finding Peace In A Frantic World", by Mark Williams.  The book is based on MBCT (Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy).  I know it will be great.  This site is based on CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) and it works!  Thanks for the help, Ashley.  I really can't thank you enough!